Leaving on a Jet Plane

I made it through my first weekend.  Weekends are always the most difficult for me to eat healthy because a doughnut or french toast is a nice reward for surviving the week.  Going out to eat Friday night with my hubby is fun, and even better if it includes a huge bowl of buttery movie theater popcorn! I have been giving some thought to what my idea of a reward system truly is. 

I have had this internal debate going back in forth in my mind for a while.  It goes something like this... Some people can eat whatever they want (cookies, cake, ice cream, etc.) and never experience weight problems and yet some people (like me) cannot eat whatever they want whenever they want.  So the food itself isn't the entire problem, right?  People a hundred years ago could eat all the baked goods and food they could stomach, and they didn't have the obesity issues we have today.  What is the difference?  Why can't I just eat what sounds best to me?  Then I had this realization.  Growing up I was always the chubby one.  The overweight one.  The fat kid.  So, in an effort to help me, my doctors and parents encouraged me to alter my eating habits in order to lose weight and become healthier.  Other children my age did not have to eat less, or change their diet and they were still thin and healthy looking.  Now, 20+ years later I see many of those "healthy" kids struggling with weight or other health issues.  Which makes me wonder, if even though they could eat what they wanted did it still impact their bodies over the long haul.  Do our metabolisms change purely due to age, or do our systems get tired of processing crap?  Then the thought occurred to me that people back 100 years ago did not live as long as we do.  Yes, we have penicillin and other drugs to prolong life and ward off illness, but could their diets have also contributed to their shorter life span?  Is there more to a persons diet than meets the eye, or has been proven by science?  Obviously many studies have been done to study the human diet, but considering there are so many "Kings of Diet and Weight Loss" I feel fairly certain that not all "experts" agree on what makes us healthy.  Not completely.  I know.  I am babbling, but the reason I bring this up is I have felt like it just isn't right that I cannot reward myself with a nice piece of cake at the end of a long day or hard week.  But maybe no one should really be rewarding themselves with cake either.  At least not on a regular basis.  I have been lying to myself.  I have been trying to convince myself that rewarding myself with food is not only allowed, but completely justifiable.  There, the lie is out there.  I also feel slighted that I am actually a decent baker, but cannot eat of the fruits of that labor without hurting myself.  But what if the true lie is that food was never meant to be a reward system.  When you look at food strictly as fuel does that change the way you would want to eat?  Does this make sense to anyone else?  Am I crazy?

Okay, now that I have completely confused everyone, I will move on.

I am looking for a better way to reward myself for surviving a long day or a job well done.  Cause ice cream isn't going to work anymore.  I have considered buying clothes as I reach goals, or fun gadgets that I have been eying.  What about working toward a vacation?  What really motivates me?  Because the lie that food does is just superficial.  Are rewards in and of themselves superficial?

I leave this evening to go and celebrate the life of my Grandpa.  Beau and I are flying to Utah to to remember the life of this wonderful man.  I smile a little inside because I will be riding First Class (I was upgraded!!) while Beau is stuck back in Coach...hehe  I am a little nervous about leaving home so close to the beginning of this change.  I will not be on my own schedule and eating from my own fridge.  I will have my greatest supporter with me to remind me to reign it in if I get sidetracked, but this kind of trip has been the death of me and my efforts to become healthier in the past.  I will also be celebrating my 6th wedding anniversary this next weekend.  I have spent some time thinking about how to make sure I am successful.  This goes back to what I was talking about above, have I regarded traveling incorrectly before which has allowed me to justify eating poorly when I am away from home?  Lets be honest, I have.  Just because I am away from home doesn't mean I need to hurt myself and sabotage my efforts.  Now I will tell you that I will not be eating quite the same as I do at home (I am not going to be that person that drives everyone crazy because of their dietary needs) , but I will pay close attention to portions and what makes it to my plate.  I weighed myself this morning (down another pound - 13 pounds gone total!!), and will check where I am at when I get home.  I will let you know where I am.  I will be brutally honest. 

Short Grain Brown Rice

The morning of Day 5 brings us to Saturday.  Saturday's are for sleeping in, and lounging around the house, right?  No, not here.  No rest for the wicked...lol... I went to bed last night after learning that my dear loved one had passed from this world.  His passing was quiet, but the effect he had on all of those who new him will ever resound in our hearts.  I miss him, but I am so grateful his suffering is over.  This morning I woke up with memories of the times I shared with him, and could not get back to sleep.  Although this passing is hard, I would not trade this heartache for even one of my cherished memories.  This dear loved one is my maternal Grandfather. 

My Grandpa was one of the most important men I have had the privilege of knowing.  He was a man who never gave up.  There was no challenge too great for him.  After having a stroke and losing much of the function of one side of his body he was asked why he didn't complain or stop trying.  His reply was simple, in the Air Force you learned to do what needs to be done with the resources you have.  You adapt.  My Grandpa was a wonderful example of charity and love.  When he was with you he made you feel like you were the most important person in the world to him.  When I was a little girl my mom worked with my Grandpa in his Orthodontics lab.  She would bring me to work, and apparently I was a little mischievous.  Grandpa had a tube of Chapstick he kept in his drawer for soldering, and my three year old little self would go in and steal that Chapstick and put it all over my lips.  He tried to convince me not to use that tube, but I was stubborn.  He instead bought a brand new tube of Chapstick for me to use to my hearts content, and then he hid the other tube.  As a child he would take us fishing on his boat at Lake Almanor.  I never caught anything worth bragging about, but he would happily take me out again when I requested.  As a teen he took me fishing on the ocean.  One trip in particular we filled a 50 gallon ice chest with Snapper.  The chest was so full I wasn't sure how he would get it to the dock to clean.  When we fished for Salmon, he would let me reel in all of the fish because he knew I thought it was fun.  These are just a few of the memories I have with this wonderful man.  My last memory was Skyping with him on Wednesday.  He could not talk well, but he told me twice "I love you."  What words cannot express was shown through his eyes.  I will miss this man every day, but I am so glad that his pain is over. 

About my journey...

I have been continuing my journey of self improvement.  I couldn't wait to step on the scale again, so this morning I found I have lost another 6 pounds.  I am down a total of 12 pounds.  Again, I realize this is a lot to lose in a few days, but it is not unheard of for me when changing my eating habits.  I can contribute some of the success to the supplements I have been taking.  The first part of this challenge is an herbal cleanse.  I am enjoying most of the foods I eat, and some I am enduring.  I would not consider myself a picky eater, but there are definitely fruits and veggies that I prefer more than others.  One of the things I was most nervous about was giving up my white rice, pasta, and white bread.  I have discovered some yummy alternatives.  At Costco they have short grain brown rice which I actually think is yummier that the Cal Rose rice that I love.  I have also discovered a 12 Multi-grain English Muffin which tastes so yummy and fulfilling with just a little raspberry jam (no butter is a huge sacrifice typically, but not in this case).  I have also started experimenting with Quinoa and I have to say I am a fan.  I still haven't had any pastas.  That is one food that is really hard for me to portion control, and I have not found a wheat pasta that I liked as much as normal linguini.  So I guess I am picky.  I want food that is yummy! 

 I have once heard that changing eating habits is so hard because food is not like other harmful substances .  You can't just stop eating.  An alcoholic can still live without alcohol and a drug addict can still live without their drugs.  But if I stop eating I will not live for long.  Learning to control what I eat is the only way to overcome my health issues.  Although I cannot stop eating, I can stop going to fast food restaurants where I am tempted to choose the worst item on the menu.  I can stop walking down the chip, cookie, and ice cream isles in the grocery store where I always walk away with much more that I intend.  I can fill my fridge and pantry with healthy eating options.  Last night as my 8:30 PM craving for a Butterfinger Blizzard started singing in my mind, I reminded myself that I am detoxing from all the crap I have been putting in my body.  It is normal to crave them.  I just cannot give into the craving.

"Where there is no struggle, there is no strength." Oprah Winfrey

I am becoming strong, one struggle at a time. 

Starving

Starving is such an interesting word.  I think most would think of orphans in a third world country when that word comes to mind.  It is a little different for me.  Yesterday I decided to continue on my path and do better than the day before.  I have learned from a few mistakes on day 1, and proceeded to day 2.  The eating plan I am on allows for snacks throughout the day, so I did not feel any hunger pangs until about 8:30 PM last night.  All I could think about is I'm starving.  I looked at my food journal for the day (I am using MyFitnessPal and it is so easy to use on the computer, phone, tablet!) and realized I had eaten plenty.  I was not starving.  My mind wanted an evening treat.  You know that reward for making it through the day.  I could justify it too.  I have a very sick relative who will pass from this life any day.  I was given the opportunity to Skype with them and tell them "I love you" one last time.  The emotional toll of this event is still presenting itself today.  When I am sad I turn to rich creamy ice cream.  The starving person inside of me told me that everything would be okay if I just had a little ice cream.  We have frozen fudge bars in the freezer, and even the quick substitute of cool whip.  I have things right at my disposal (it may be time to clean out a bit...), but the truth of the matter is no amount of ice cream is going to fix the hurt I feel at the soon passing of this dear loved one.  I was really impressed with Beau because the day before I started my journey I told him that I couldn't do it - who starts a diet when so much sadness is present.  He told me that my dear loved one would want me to do what will make me a better me, and to not put this on hold.  Beau doesn't even really support the supplements I am taking right now, but still had that wisdom to help me realize that I need to make a change for me.  To make my life better.  My loved one would want that too.  I really married an awesome guy!

We had the Mormon Sister Missionaries over last night, and I made Taco Salad.  I served Taco Salad without sour cream (which seems like a cardinal sin...lol).  I offered the sisters flour tortillas to make their own tacos (Beau was grateful for this as well) instead of a salad if they preferred.  I had cheese on the table, but I didn't have any.  I was so grateful that I spent Tuesday evening prepping veggies.  Putting together the salad was a cinch.  I even made some homemade Pico de Gallo with tomatillos and tomatoes.  As I ate the salad I didn't miss the cheese at all.  I missed the sour cream, but I added some avocado which helped fulfill my need for creamy on my salad.  So I have overcome the dreaded - what do I do when guests come over and I am eating this way, feeling.  I didn't make a dessert, but I served pineapple with dinner so I felt my obligation for something sweet was fulfilled.  I drank water, but served Pink Lemonade.  I don't know that anyone noticed I was doing anything different, but I did. I knew that I was making the choice to put me first. 

I stepped on the scale this morning. I know 2 days into a lifestyle change is probably too soon to see any changes, but I did.  I have lost 6 pounds.  Don't worry this is pretty normal for me. I had someone tell me it has to do with my size.  I always lose a bit faster the first little bit of a change, and then things taper off to about 2-3 pounds a week.  I was so excited to see improvement.  I will probably wait another week before stepping on the scale again, but it was so exciting to see that the effort I was putting forth was helping!

Today is a new day full of possibility.  Hello world!  Let's do this!

Day 1

Starting a journey toward life improvement is probably one of the most daunting tasks a person can face.  They set them up to experience set backs, possible failure, unexpected results, and so on.  I can think of so many times I have tried to change and failed, so when I decided it was time for a lifestyle change I was nervous.  Am I really up for the challenge?  I have decided that yes, in fact, I am ready.

My sister in law, Tiffany, told me about this 24 day challenge that is geared toward jump starting your weight loss.  I could use a kick in the pants, so I decided to go for it.  This challenge consists of a specific nutrition plan, and taking supplements to help along the way.  I know this sounds like a fad diet, and I am not going to try to convince you that it is not.  I don't have to.  I decided this is the right choice for me.  Moving on....

Yesterday was the beginning of my journey.  I wasn't sure I would make it through the day.  I questioned even starting something like this right now.  You see I am in the middle of a family crisis, and I thought adding this to the mix was a recipe for failure.  But then the calm rational side of me reminded the irrational side that there will always be a reason to put off life.  I have come to realize that I haven't been living for quite some time.  I have focused on feeding myself, and doing as little as possible to maintain my incredibly unhealthy lifestyle.  I have made excuses for my poor eating choices like, "We might as well get fast food for dinner because my husband likes it better than my food," or, "I have worked to hard today and am too tired to make dinner."  Another is, "I don't want to get up early to worry about packing a lunch for work, I will go out..."  These are just a few of the "gateway" statements I tell myself before ordering a super jumbo sized meal, and an ice cream dessert.  I look at myself, and there is no hiding what I have done to this body of mine.  Everyone else can see it too.  I'm fat.  There are more politically correct ways of saying that, but I don't see how they help the situation.  So, I made it through day 1.  I drank a ton of water, enjoyed my fruits and veggies, ate lots of protein, and I went to bed satisfied with myself for not giving up.  I even went through all of the product in the house and prepared it so it will be easy to grab and go with.  I am not saying that I am perfect, or even a model of healthy living.  I am far from it.  But I began a journey to take my life back yesterday.  I ate good healthy foods, and I didn't give up on myself, even in the face of adversity. Today is a new day with new challenges.  I will take things one day at a time.  I can master this.  I can fix me.  I know that there is a long road ahead before completing this journey, but I can't worry about tomorrow.  I will worry about today and make sure it is the best day possible.

"In reality, there aren’t many things in a day that are totally without significance. Even the mundane and repetitious can be tiny but significant building blocks that in time establish the discipline and character and order needed to realize our plans and dreams. Therefore, as you ask in prayer for your daily bread, consider thoughtfully your needs—both what you may lack and what you must protect against. As you retire to bed, think about the successes and failures of the day and what will make the next day a little better. And thank your Heavenly Father for the manna He has placed along your path that sustained you through the day."
—D. Todd Christofferson

Exhaustion

I hurt.  Have you ever had a day that everything just felt off and what was going on around you was all wrong.  I feel that way today.  I think I know what it is.  I am feeling the consequences of some of my bad decisions.  Some might call that Karma.  I just call it life.

I have spent some time considering those around me lately.  Dangerous, right?  I look at the lives of those around me and feel like I should have done things differently.  I should have done things better.  I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I spoke with a friend this evening who is struggling in very similar ways that I have struggled.  As she spoke my heart broke for her.  I knew every embarrassment and have cried many similar tears.   I kept thinking how frustrating life's struggles truly are.  I wanted to call someone and cry on their shoulder, but instead I decided to write. I have lamented long enough.  I am now going to find the good.

A very wise man said these words that remind me that crying over the past doesn't help.

"Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."
—Jeffrey R. Holland

Have you ever been really excited about a new outfit?  You know the one that you have been eying in the store window and finally muster up the courage to get.  You go to the store to find they only have one left - the one on the mannequin, so you buy it and take it home to realize you bought the wrong size.  Despair sinks in.  Your heart breaks.  How can this be?  Okay so who does this really happen to?  But today I went and found my prized clothing and took it home to find it doesn't fit, and I purchased the largest size they make.  Despair sinks in.  I have done this to myself.  Maybe I should quit?  Maybe I am done.  This is too heartbreaking.  Too hard.  This hurts.  So how do I overcome this pain? I look within for the answer.  I listen to that voice that tells me not to quit.  To keep walking.  To remember there is help and happiness ahead.  What I desire is the ability to become more than the girl who can't fit into the clothes she wants.  But more importantly, the woman who can become what she is intended to be.

"Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities."
—Thomas S. Monson

Today I have been reminded of the possibilities I want to reach.  Of the woman I can be. The time is now.  No more excuses.  There will always be a reason to wait until tomorrow to start living.  What I have forgotten is all the reasons to start living today.

Life is good.  Even in the darkest of nights, the sun does rise and remind us that we too can start anew.  It is not too late.

So it's been a little while, again...

I really do want to be one of those people that write down their life's story to share with others.  Not that I think I am particularly inspiring, but because I want to have something to show for all the lessons I learn after each bump in the road. So instead of trying to recap, which at this point seems impossible, I am going to start from today and move forward.

I feel like I woke up a couple of days ago from a long slumber.  I have spent a lot of time in the last couple years just trying to make it from day to day.  I thought what I was doing was a positive way to deal with what seemed like an unreasonable amount of stress and business.  Really, I made excuses for my shortcomings and refused to face the facts of life.  I realized I had become comfortable.  The idea of discomfort was not only discouraged, it was avoided at all costs. This resulted in a life of survival of the unfittest. Don't ask me to exercise, eat healthy, or try to lose weight.  Don't dare breath a word of changing my routine, or considering a different  lifestyle.  Also, don't you dare point out the reason I am unhappy has to do with my daily routine of laziness and comfort.  If my life is supposed to change I will get a sign.  So, my doctor diagnosed me with high blood pressure, a heart murmur, and insulin resistance.  That isn't my fault.  I am a trying to get my husband graduated, and further my career.  These are normal consequences of this time of my life, Right?  Then I work with my doctor on infertility, and she does all she can do and then says I am too high risk and need to go to a specialist.  She is giving up on me, Right?  None of these things are due to my Morbid Obesity and general unwillingness to do one healthy thing in my current schedule.  So as I pondered cleaning my house, and realized that it would be difficult for me since I am so out of shape, and I have back and knee problems due to my size, I come to the conclusion: This is not normal behavior for a 28 year old.  I was shopping online for some new clothes and can't find anything cute or age appropriate because my size has gone beyond normal clothes sizes.  Even for plus size girls.  Then I think about my family reunion this summer and having to go swimming - that means a bathing suit - NO WAY.  Then it hits me.  I could change all of this.  I don't have to be this person.  I could choose to be uncomfortable.

I was listening to some music online when I ran across this song, and it describes how I feel completely:

A Life Uncommon by Jewel

And lend your voices only
To sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength
To that which you wish
To be free from
Fill your lives
With love and bravery
And you shall lead
A life uncommon

I’ve heard your anguish
I’ve heard your hearts cry out
We are tired, we are weary
But we aren’t worn out
Set down your chains
Until only faith remains
Set down your chains

There are plenty of people
Who pray for peace
But if praying were enough
It would’ve come to be
Let your words enslave no one
And the heavens will hush themselves
To hear our voices ring our clear
With sounds of freedom
Sounds of freedom

Come on you unbelievers
Move out of the way
There is a new army coming
And we are armed with faith
To live, we must give
To live

And lend our voices only
To sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength
To that which we wish
To be free from
Fill your lives
With love and bravery
And we shall lead
A life uncommon 
 
Today I am pledging to live a life uncommon.  There are many things I need to change to be able to achieve this.  This will not be an easy or a quick thing.  This will take time.  This will take effort.  This will be uncomfortable.

Life keeps Ruffling...

I haven't posted in several months.  As you can imagine that is due to the fact that I haven't accomplished all that I hoped to.  I don't know if you would call it laziness, or a bad response to stress, but so far this year has been a dozy!  Beau will be graduating in three short months.  With his graduation around the corner, we have had many different options come into view as he is preparing to begin his post-graduation career.  The possibilities are endless.  We could stay here in Southeastern Idaho, or move to the Boise Area, or move closer to family in Oregon.  In order to move we will have to sell our house which involves fixing certain things in the house.  I am excited by the prospect of life continuing and getting better, but I am scared to death.  I love my home, and job.  I have friends here and stability.  So I guess the point is, there will always be ruffles.  Whether I am trying to change or not, the ruffles will continue.  I can either try to control the ruffles, or I can let them control me.

"I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. "


William Ernest Henley