The reason we even discovered that we were expecting was because I was so short tempered and well down right mean that one of the theories to my attitude was hormones. I figured it was just that time of the month, but I was late and Beau thought that our marriage might be over. So I took a leap of faith and took the test. What joy and terror was felt as the realization that our lives would never be the same again. For years I have felt confident in my ability to be a mother, and I wanted so bad to be pregnant that it hurt. Then I see the affirmation of the miracle inside of me and in comes the floods of doubt and fear. Can I do this? Will I be a good mom? I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready, but is anyone really?
I have already written about the food and dietary changes. I have not made all of the changes they suggested, but I have not gained additional weight (since the initial increase) so I feel confident that whatever I am doing is working fine. I have spoken of other health concerns on my blog before. High blood pressure, insulin resistance, heart murmur, to mention a few (besides the fact that I am morbidly obese). Due to these circumstances I have had the opportunity to meet with specialists and experience extra testing. Each time the tests have been performed I have found myself turning to the only thing that has remained constant. My faith. Each time an ultrasound was hard to read (I wasn't far enough along, but we didn't know that at the time), or my OB would listen and not find the heartbeat, I would pray and feel the comfort of a loving Father. This has been an excellent lesson in faith and love.
These struggles with health and hormones have also provided Beau and I the necessity to be open and honest about fears with each other. We have always worked hard to keep the lines of communication open. In fact I feel that we speak more frankly to each other due to Beau's inability to read facial expressions and implied meanings. With this pregnancy and many different unknowns and worries I have worked with Beau to discuss the struggles and find strength in his support and help. There have been moments that his worries have gotten the best of him, and I have been able to calm his fears. This brings me to my next thought.
Being pregnant changes the way I think. Carrying Beau's baby makes me love him more. I feel so much love and devotion for this little peanut and my whole way of thinking about life and family has changed. We had a real scare a few weeks ago. We thought we were going to lose the baby. I realized that I would do anything for my baby. Then fears of what could happen to the baby even after birth started to worry me. Faith is what carries me through though. I put my trust in the fact that all of this is not under my control, and I just need to keep doing what I can to help carry and raise this child. I cannot see the future, and I chose to not dread it.
I celebrated my first mother's day this year. Beau was so sweet and surprised me with a crib. He set it all up, washed the bedding in baby detergent and everything. He asked if he did okay. I told him that as a pre-mothers day gift it was great, but next year I expect something different. I love how thoughtful he is. He got the style crib that I like, and told me it is okay if I use different bedding. I will be changing the bedding, but the presentation would not have been complete without it.
In case you can't tell it is Safari themed.
All in all this pregnancy has been wonderful. I have definitely had my moments of morning sickness, but I can't complain too much. I have friends who have been much more sick, so I am counting my blessings. In a few weeks we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I am just getting excited to meet the little one. I am still unsure what I am going to do once this baby comes, but I am really excited to learn and love this little one.
