This all came to a head as I each of my clothes became a little snugger, or worn out completely. I have been putting of going clothes shopping because it is always the one thing to remind me that I am not taking care of myself... again. A reminder of all the hard work seemingly gone to waste from before I got pregnant with Johanna. Well finally the last pair of ill fitting pants has shown signs of preparing to bite the dust, so I had to go shopping. Clothes shopping is not okay. It is evil, and must be destroyed. It not only can deplete my bank account, but it can deplete my self confidence in no time at all. I looked at one rack of pants and could feel my blood pressure rising, and my anxiety rearing its ugly head. I basically fled the scene. Beau was trying to be supportive, but he could tell me I'm pretty from here until eternity, and until I change my way of thinking nothing will get better.
So, here I am. At the beginning of a new journey. The journey to be the kind of woman I need to be for me, my family, friends, and the kind of person who can be there for those around her.
Today in Relief Society (read all adult women's gospel study) class, the teacher shared a story about a 60 year old woman who had come into the hospital she was working. This woman was wheeled in by her husband, and when questioned as to why she was in the wheel chair, it basically came down to laziness. She was too lazy to be bothered with walking around and taking care of herself. I thought to myself as I sat there, "I have been too lazy. I don't want to be this lady."
Back in January I left my job of the last 6+ years to work from my Mother-in-law to help her at Pine Lodge at Rivermist Labradoodles (shameless plug)! This enables me to have Johanna with me all the time, as well as work either at my in-laws or at home. I realized this would mean that I would have a flexible schedule which would allow me to do the things I have been wanting to do, but haven't had the time or energy to do. Like plant a garden, and completely reorganize my entire house. Maybe make a quilt, and make fantastic home-cooked meals every night for dinner. I am going to read my scriptures everyday alone and with Johanna, as well as having morning and evening family prayer. While I haven't been completely unsuccessful, I haven't been successful. My yard still looks like it hasn't been cared for in years, my garden is covered in weeds. My house looks like a bomb went off in it. Why? Because I have been lazy. Now I have made some meals, and picked up here and there, but I am not happy with my progress. I tell myself it is because I am too busy still to take care of these things, but that isn't true.
So where do I go from here? Where do I start? I am going to start where I am. I am going to do an inventory of what I want to do, and what is most important. Then I will figure out how to do it. The only thing holding me back is me.
I am going to pretend I am brave, and embark on another journey of self-discovery. I have this idea that has brought radiance to my life.
Once again clothes have been the catalyst to spark change. But the change is not only so I can find clothes and buy them. Although that would be wonderful. I am making over my life for me.
