Why

Since I have started thinking about this important journey, I have been considering why doing this is so vitally important.  There are the obvious health and quality of life improvements, but there are specific reasons why I must change.  I am going to document these things so when I struggle I can remember what is important.

The first reason I am making this change is because I want to be a mom.  Before Beau and I were married I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome).  My doctor told me that this would make getting pregnant more difficult since my ovulation is irregular.  The cause is most likely my weight.  After being married for a year, Beau and I decided we were ready to start trying to become parents.  We just hoped that things would happen naturally, and after one year of nothing, I asked the doctor what he thought.  He told me there are things we can do to increase the chance of getting pregnant, but he was uncomfortable with recommending them for me since any pregnancy I had would be high risk due to my size.  I accepted this information, and moved forward.  I kept saying that a child would come when it was time, and yet we still waited.  Then I graduated from school, and still no baby.  Then we moved to Oregon, and still no baby.  After being married for  five years, and trying for four to become parents, I started taking medicine that would increase my ability to conceive.  All it did was increase my irritability and introduced me to the wonderful world of hot flashes.  I can honestly say that I hope I don't experience menopause any time soon.  Since we have moved to Oregon I have been able to spend a lot more time with my nieces and nephews.  Being around them has made my desire to be a mother even greater.  I finally came to terms with the fact that my size is preventing me from becoming a mommy.  I acknowledge that there are more ways to become a mom than to get pregnant, but I want to experience the whole thing.  I am not ready to adopt.  Each day that I work hard to eat healthy and make better choices, I am getting myself one step closer to preparing my body for motherhood.  I do understand that there is a chance that losing the weight will not increase my fertility, but I won't know until I try.  That is why this is my first reason.

Another reason that I want to live a more healthy life is so that I can experience the world.  When I decide to go clothes shopping, I cannot go just anywhere.  I can only shop in select stores.  Many shoes don't fit my wide feet, so I often times have to shop online or special order shoes to fit.  Sitting at a restaurant can be embarrassing since I don't typically fit in the booths.  Flying is embarrassing since I am too close to the person next to me, and I have to get a seat belt extension to be able to buckle my belt.  While we are on the topic of seat belts, let me also mention that in many cars I cannot fasten mine because they are long enough to reach across my large torso.  When we go anywhere that I have to sit down I choose to stand if I am not sure that the furniture will be able to support my weight.  In fact we have invested in too many camp chairs for that exact reason.  I will not sit in anyone else camp chair for fear that I will break it to pieces.  I can't sit in many chairs that have arms because my hips are too wide, and if I do fit I will often get stuck trying to get out of them.  Driving some cars is impossible because my belly gets in the way of the steering wheel.  My point is, I cannot go anywhere or do anything without worrying that my weight is going to impend my ability to interact normally with others.

I have already experienced an impact to my health due to my excessive weight.  I have been on medication for high blood pressure and insulin resistance for years.  I have a heart murmur and an irregular heart beat.  I have real water retention issues, and joint pain.  I am 28 years old, but I am on several prescriptions for self induced health problems.  I hate taking pills.  I hate having to worry about filling prescriptions and not missing a dose of medication.  I am too young for this.  Not to mention that if this is already started then I will have many years of reduced health if I do not make the necessary changes.  I want to run.  I want to hike, and swim, and bike without running out of breath, or experiencing major pain from my already overstressed joints.  I want to be healthy and feel healthy.

I was warned at a young age that overweight people, especially women, will never progress professionally because others will perceive their weight as a general laziness and lack of ability.  Whether this is true or not, this message has always been one that I have had as a nagging worry in the back in my head.  I never want to go into an interview or meeting and question whether others in the room question my ability based on my weight.  I want to be able to have the confidence in knowing that my exterior is representing my interior.

The one thing I do not want to change is my relationship with Beau.  I love him so much, and I know these changes are scary.  He has only ever known me as a bigger girl.  My life will change as I lose weight.  I am going to make sure that our relationship doesn't dwindle with the pounds, but in fact increases as I conquer this challenge.

This is Beau and I a year ago in Idaho.  Our lives have changed so much since this picture.  The woman in this picture had no idea what was coming.  We have survived job changes, moving, graduation, loss of a loved one, and much more.  He tells me that he doesn't know what he would do without me, but I think I would be completely lost without him!