Visible Differences

This weekend I put on a pair of pants that I can take off without unbuttoning or unzipping.  No they are not yoga pants!  They are jeans.  A pair I could hardly squeeze into a couple months ago.  That is the sweet results of success.  I love it! 

I was talking to a friend, and she all of a sudden stopped and said I have been trying to figure out what has changed with you.  I thought maybe your hair, but it's your face.  It's thinner!  She apologized for interrupting me, and I told her that she can interrupt me with that news all day.  I want to hear that kind of feedback.

I was even told that my waist is starting to have more definition.  Loving it!  So, it has taken about 8 weeks for people to start seeing the changes.  Thank heavens.  I am feeling a little lighter.  I have a bounce to my step, and I feel like I can hold my head up high.  I still have many miles to go, but I am making visible progress. Winning!

I also had a realization over the weekend - I am young.  Sometimes I forget this.  I have so many friends with several kids and I felt like I was horribly behind.  I thought that we might not be able to have the family we want because we don't have any kids yet.  Maybe we will only be able to have one because we are so "old."  Guess what?  I'm young!  I will be turning 29 in a couple weeks, and that is okay.  Even if it takes me 5 more years to get healthy enough to carry a child, who cares?  Women can have babies well into their 40's.  If I want a big family it is not too late.  Even if we can't conceive our own kids, there is plenty of time for adoption.  I need to stop thinking that all of my opportunities have come and gone because I didn't do something in my 20's.

I have been dreading turning 29.  This birthday has seemed like a death sentence.  I have said many times that I will be having my last birthday because I don't want to be older that 29.  I often dreaded this age thing because I thought that my 20's were such a waste.  I am not where I thought I would be at 28.  Funny how life happens differently than you plan. 

In the Fall of 2006, I returned to BYU-Idaho to refocus my education.  I took those scary steps out the front door and attempted to redefine who I am.  I was 21, almost 22, and I thought I had the world figured out.  I was fat then too.  So my plan was to go to school and work on my education, lose weight, so that by the time I graduated I would look like the kind of person someone would want to employ.  I had been told early in life that overwieght people never get good jobs because people are prejudice against them.  They are viewed as lazy, and therefore not a good fit for employment.  I feared this so much.  What if I stepped out into the big world and no one would hire me.  So, I began my journey.  I thought that no one would want to marry a fat/lazy person either, so I figured that I would lose weight so that someone might want to love me.  I know, this is pathetic.  But it was the way my brain worked/works.  That fall semester I was thrown a curve ball, and met the love of my life.  He loved me for me - curves (lumps) and all.  I still to this day struggle to believe him when he tells me I am beautiful because fat people aren't beautiful.  I did lose weight that semester, but over the next year as I planned a wedding and married my dream man, I allowed the stress of everything to enter my mouth.  I continued my education, and graduated in 2010.  I was able to get a great job.  The only thing missing was the family I desired.  So, I tried to lose weight again to try to get my body to allow a pregnancy.  I did well for several months, but when yet another curve ball was thrown my way, I stumbled - defeated.  I gave up on all attempts to lose weight.  I was hardly holding on.  Through a lot of personal introspection and discovery I have found that I totally use food as a crutch.  I also use my weight as an excuse not to try hard to succeed or excel.  That is why I am not where I want to be.  I allow myself to get in my own way.

Moving to Oregon last year was a really positive change for Beau and I.  I have known since the move that it was time to so something about my health, but I allowed my fears to defer my progress.  Now that I am on this difficult journey I realize that procrastinating making the change only delays my success.  I am in charge of my course.  I can choose to stay on track or I can throw myself off course.  I am constantly having to correct my thoughts, so that I can stay on track.  This will not be an overnight process, but I am young.  I have time to take this journey and do this right.  It is okay if I don't have everything I thought I would have by now.  Life is not always going to be what we expect, but I can make the choice to point my sails in the right direction and press forward.  Today I am working to make tomorrow better.  I will do everything today to make it the best today it can be.  I will be present in my life, and not give up because things are not how I expected or thought they should be.