Dangerous Waters

I have been here before.  I lose 40ish pounds and then somehow lose focus or get over confident that I know what I am doing and then things fall apart.  On Friday night Beau asked me if I wanted to eat at a buffet, and the thought was terrifying.  I could feel my resolve leaving me.  I could binge on all sorts of soups, breads, and desserts.  This sounded wonderful - for a moment and then horrible.  I told Beau I didn't know if I could eat at a buffet.  We actually had a really good conversation about losing 40 pounds and then how things go to pot.  In my defense the last time there was a life changing event that occurred (one of the only things I will not discuss on this blog) and through me for a complete loop.  I was derailed, and turned to to the only thing that felt safe - food.

I am confident in saying that nothing like that is going to derail me this time, but call it superstition - I am scared.  I finished off last week strong and lost 3.8 more pounds (I am not sure why I have lost so much in the last couple weeks, but I expect things to slow down again soon).  Then Monday evening brought back another desire for bad food and indulgences.  I held it together.  Tuesday Beau wanted Pizza for dinner, and I loosely counted points.  I weighed yesterday morning to hold myself accountable and died a little when I was up since my Monday weigh in.  So I recommitted and went to work.  Literally, I drove into the office in Lake Oswego.  They provided a Holiday Luncheon complete with salad, pasta, bread, and tiramisu.  I was very careful as I loaded my plate 2/3 full of leafy greens with a nice vinaigrette dressing.  Then I had just a taste of a couple pasta's and a meatball.  Everything tasted yummy, but my brain wanted more.  I indulged in a small piece of tiramisu and called it a wrap.  I finished yesterday strong.  Still struggling, but even in these struggles I am learning.  I have lost 45 pounds.  While this is an amazing accomplishment I am not done and cannot rest.

I have a doctor appointment today and am actually excited to step on the scale.  Why? Well because the last time I was at the doctor's office I could not weight on their scale because it didn't go high enough to register my accurate weight.  I know that this should not be the case today.  I will be able to step on the scale and have my weight measured - like a normal person.

I am a little nervous for Christmas.  I haven't considered the food as much as I considered Thanksgiving.  I think I am either in denial that there will be tempting food, or Christmas dinners feel like just another day to count points and enjoy family.  I am not sure which one most successfully represents my current state.  Maybe a little of both.  I think what I am most concerned with is my quickly approaching baking session.  Beau works with a lot of great people (so do I for that matter) and he asked me to bake goodies for Christmas that he will be able to share.  I haven't really baked cookies since starting this change.  The reason is that one is never enough.  So I will be baking and then shipping out the goodies as fast as possible.

I guess there was one other thing this weekend that was hard.  On Saturday Beau and I were at Costco and he wanted to buy a Costco Cake (chocolate cake, with chocolate mousse, and chocolate buttercream) to have at a family dinner we were having at our house on Sunday.  I told him no - I could not have it in the house.  The thought made me panic.  Especially since we were only feeding 8 adults total (one is me, and two others don't eat gluten), and a toddler and a baby.  An entire Costco Cake can feed a small army.  That is when Beau shared a concern.  He told me that he didn't think it was fair that just because I was eating differently that he could not have yummy foods anymore.  This was a tough topic.  I am kind of split in two on the subject to be honest.  I don't want a Costco Cake in the house.  I don't need it and neither does really anyone else for that matter.  I even feel conflicted on the idea of baking goodies to promote other peoples bad eating.  I have indulged in a dessert here and there, but it has always been within my points.  I decided that I understood his point, and I allowed him to buy the chocolate cake.  We didn't open it until after dinner on Sunday, and on Monday morning Beau took the remaining (after eating the cake and giving away some) half of the cake to work to share.  I did have a piece.  It was everything that Costco cake should be - including a huge temptation.

I think I have come to the realization that it isn't the 40 pound milestone that has potentially derailed me this time, but instead my poor decisions.  I made the excuse that it was the 40 pound mark that made my thinking change and allow my indulgences this week.  I am feeling refocused and ready for the challenges that come.  I haven't gained any weight (during my weekly weigh ins at WW), so I can still continue to work hard and avoid trigger foods.  Life is good.  There is always going to be yummy foods that tempt me.  I can either choose to make excuses and succumb, or I can be strong and overcome.  45 pounds down tells me that I can do this.  I can do this hard thing and so many others!