Getting Really Real

A couple of people have asked if I will be going back to Weight Watchers.  Well I went back... a month ago.  I started strong, and then failed...miserably.  I can give you all sorts of reasons why I stumbled, but the truth is I let myself fail.  I didn't intend on succeeding.

I walked into my first meeting back thinking that something would inspire me and I would just naturally fall back into my old habits and routine.  I am not the same person I was before getting pregnant though.  My whole world is centered around my little princess.  And with looks like these who wouldn't be completely obsessed.

But pretending that it is okay to let myself go in order to "take care" of my baby is just not true.  Just like my body needed me to get healthier and lose weight in order to become pregnant, my newborn needs me to care for my body so I can provide healthy nourishment, and energy to play with her.  By not taking care of myself I let her down.  Now I am not going to dwell on this, and let the new mom guilt kick in too hard, but I am going to learn from my mistake.

I told myself that I could eat unhealthy because I am nursing and I would burn off the extra calories.  The irony is that WW makes allowances for nursing moms, and already added in extra points.  I told myself I was too tired to worry about making food for me, and it was easier to just grab whatever was handy.  This usually meant something unhealthy that would make my body feel robbed of necessary nutrients and energy.  I told myself that I did not have time to think about or worry about my food because Johanna needs me every waking (and sleeping) moment, so I better not tie myself up in the kitchen making a healthy meal.  Well all of these things are crap.  Really.  Even the last point.  It is okay to put the baby down for a minute and make myself something healthy.  Even if she gets a little fussy, she will survive for a minute while I take care of myself so I can better take care of her.

The other night I had a dream of a few years in the future.  Johanna was a toddler with a lot of energy and enthusiasm for life.  I can't remember what I looked like or what shape my body was in, I just remember wanting to keep up with her.

I decided to start fresh and go back to the things that helped me before.  I am tracking what I eat.  I am making time for me.  I am planning meals.  I am blogging.  Honestly, I thought this was going to be easy.  It isn't.  I am fighting cravings for sweets and chocolate.  I could go for almost anything deep fried.  But I want to be healthy more than I want to eat cheesecake.  I will make the hard choices one choice at a time.  I will do it for me, so I can be who I need to be for her.

Our little bundle has arrived!

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had posted.  It has been too long.  I guess the third trimester and the time since she was born just flew.  Here is the story of her birth.  It was a miracle.

My blood pressure had been great my whole pregnancy until week 36.  It started to creep up, so the doctor scheduled my induction for the 37th week.  I checked in early on October 10th, and started with the induction process.  After 48 long frustrating hours she had not dropped, my water had not broke, and I was not really even dilated a little.  So they sent me home with instructions to pay attention to any warning signs of preeclampsia.  They also scheduled a second attempt the following

My parents had arrived the evening of the 9th, so they stayed at the house all weekend when we were in the hospital.  My mom was a saint and cleaned my house, and helped with some of the items on my to do list.  They stayed the next week with us (actually they stayed a whole month) and helped me work on the nursery and organize my house before the baby came.

On Friday the 18th we went out to dinner with my parents and smiled as we told each other that the next time we saw each other there would be a baby.  On the way to the hospital my water broke (ironic, right?), but I thought I might have just peed myself a little bit.  Once I was checked into the hospital they hooked me up to all the monitors and then they told me my water had broke.  She was sitting really high (and transverse) so they had me get an ultrasound to see exactly where she was.  Once they confirmed her location they started the medications to induce me.  We kept having a hard time keeping the monitor in the right location, and we were getting weird readings on the baby heartrate monitor.  They called the doctor, and she said to stop all medications for induction and that she would be by in the morning.  When she came by she told me that the baby was not in distress, but she could become that way.  We needed to make a decision, and in her opinion the c-section was the best option.  Once everyone was on the same page we immediately went into the Operating Room, and prepared for the c-section.  When they had me open they realized what the issue we were seeing on the monitor - the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck three times.  She also had meconium.  When she came out she was breathing, but not well.  The pediatrician immediately took her and worked on helping her get some air.  Right before he was going to intubate she started breath better on her own.  I had been nervous to look at her.  She didn't cry when she came out, and I was scared.  When I started to hear her little cry I was so thankful.  Beau pulled the curtain out of the way enough that I could see my little miracle.  The nurse brought her over and laid her right next to my head and I was able to kiss her.  I have never felt so blessed.

Johanna Joie was born on October 18th at 11:49 am.  She weighed 7 lbs 15 ounces and was 20.5 inches long.

Both of us recovered very well from the c-section and birth.  She is a happy and healthy little baby.  We just love her so much.  Everyday I almost have to pinch myself to believe how much I love her.

Johanna with Grandma.

Just after she was born.

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Johanna with her great Grandma (Yaya)