Getting Really Real

A couple of people have asked if I will be going back to Weight Watchers.  Well I went back... a month ago.  I started strong, and then failed...miserably.  I can give you all sorts of reasons why I stumbled, but the truth is I let myself fail.  I didn't intend on succeeding.

I walked into my first meeting back thinking that something would inspire me and I would just naturally fall back into my old habits and routine.  I am not the same person I was before getting pregnant though.  My whole world is centered around my little princess.  And with looks like these who wouldn't be completely obsessed.

But pretending that it is okay to let myself go in order to "take care" of my baby is just not true.  Just like my body needed me to get healthier and lose weight in order to become pregnant, my newborn needs me to care for my body so I can provide healthy nourishment, and energy to play with her.  By not taking care of myself I let her down.  Now I am not going to dwell on this, and let the new mom guilt kick in too hard, but I am going to learn from my mistake.

I told myself that I could eat unhealthy because I am nursing and I would burn off the extra calories.  The irony is that WW makes allowances for nursing moms, and already added in extra points.  I told myself I was too tired to worry about making food for me, and it was easier to just grab whatever was handy.  This usually meant something unhealthy that would make my body feel robbed of necessary nutrients and energy.  I told myself that I did not have time to think about or worry about my food because Johanna needs me every waking (and sleeping) moment, so I better not tie myself up in the kitchen making a healthy meal.  Well all of these things are crap.  Really.  Even the last point.  It is okay to put the baby down for a minute and make myself something healthy.  Even if she gets a little fussy, she will survive for a minute while I take care of myself so I can better take care of her.

The other night I had a dream of a few years in the future.  Johanna was a toddler with a lot of energy and enthusiasm for life.  I can't remember what I looked like or what shape my body was in, I just remember wanting to keep up with her.

I decided to start fresh and go back to the things that helped me before.  I am tracking what I eat.  I am making time for me.  I am planning meals.  I am blogging.  Honestly, I thought this was going to be easy.  It isn't.  I am fighting cravings for sweets and chocolate.  I could go for almost anything deep fried.  But I want to be healthy more than I want to eat cheesecake.  I will make the hard choices one choice at a time.  I will do it for me, so I can be who I need to be for her.