What Failure Looks Like

Since I have tried to improve my health and eating habits, I have faced every day as it began: a battle.  Perhaps that is why I feel so fragile about sharing my journey.  I don't feel like I am succeeding.  I feel like I am failing every day.  How can I still be struggling so hard after doing this since September?  Some person (like the reference?!?) once told me that it takes 3 weeks to make a change into a habit.  Well we are far past the 3 week mark.  I guess it is habit to look for the right foods, and eat the right things, but I still think of the things that will take me away from success first.

I feel like a failure every time a craving surfaces and I dream, yes dream of creamy chocolate ice cream, candy bars, or cake.  I fantasize about biting into something completely indulgent or decadent and wish that I could.  Even simple things like top ramen or macaroni and cheese seem so deliriously delicious that they are hard to pass up.  Ridiculous!  Why am I so tempted by such crap?

To add insult to injury I gained 1.8 pounds last week and I can't really say where it came from other than maybe I was retaining water because of a salty dinner the night before.  I seriously wanted to put up my white flag in defeat!

Now don't get me wrong.  I have lost weight.  I am down 26.4 pounds.  It feels so good (when I am not falling apart at the thought of sugar and butter and carbs).  My clothes are much looser, and some even are not staying on very well.  My belly doesn't rub on the steering wheel when I drive.  I have more energy to play with my daughter. These are all good and positive things, but these battles are really exhausting and I fear I am not up to the task.

I try to take each day one by one.  Each meal one by one.  I try to focus on my triumphs and overlook the rest, but I am human and it is hard.

This morning one of my friends posted a video where a woman told her story.  She had been divorced and left with her 2 or 3 kids.  They all slept together in one bedroom, and she slept on the floor because she couldn't afford a bed.  She was given the opportunity to go to a therapist.  In her appointment she told the therapist that she used to be a good mom who made her kids homemade meals and spent a lot of time playing with them and taking them to the park and such.  She explained now she fed her kids processed food, and they spent the day in front of the TV as she went alone to her bedroom to cry away from their view.  The therapist looked at her and told her she was a great mom.  She kept her kids fed and nourished even though she hardly had the energy to take care of herself, and she kept them happy watching cartoons while she shielded them from her tears.  The therapist told her to look at the whole situation with its struggles and how well she was rising to the occasion to help her family.  Her message: you are doing better than you think or are giving yourself credit.

So what can I learn?  I am doing better than I think.  I am working to better myself for my own benefit, and the benefit of my family.  The work I am doing now is worthwhile as long as I keep trying to do better.  I have a full plate.  It is okay to recognize that my life is full and stressful and stress is my number one food trigger.  So even if the cravings are coming, it is okay.  As long as I keep trying, and eating what I know is the better option.  I also need to cut myself some slack and remember that setbacks will happen, but they are part of the process and I must not lose hope.

A woman at my church heard I was going to Weight Watchers, and she told me that it took her 5 years to get the weight off, but she never put it back on again.  So the process may seem slow, but I am making progress. Even if it takes me 5 years, I know that I am 26.4 pounds closer to goal.

Some thoughts for today...