Struggling

I am happy to be home again.  This week was one of the most difficult I have had in a long time.  I kept asking myself over and over again why I started my life change.  Too many times I just wanted to cover my troubles in chocolate and whip cream.  Often times in the past going out of town has been my undoing in a weight loss attempt.  Adding in a lot of family the loss of my Grandpa this was truly a recipe for disaster.  I told myself to take things one step at a time.  So, I did.

Monday we flew to Salt Lake City, Utah.  I ate well in the morning, and drank my water.  Our flight was at 6:30 at night, so I figured I would get dinner at the airport.  Going out to eat is still a struggle, so when all I could find was hamburgers and pastries, I opted for a snack instead of a meal.  I enjoyed oatmeal at 5:00 PM.  We boarded the plane, and I felt that I was off to the right start.  When we landed we were picked up by my cousin's husband, and I realized that I was starving.  My cousin offered me Pizza or Hummus with a Pita and baby carrots.  It was the perfect late dinner.  I have never been so happy to see a baby carrot in my life.  Monday finished well. 

Tuesday morning we took a train to Provo, and then spent the morning at my Grandma's house.  My sister needed a skirt for the funeral, so we went to the mall to search for the perfect skirt.  We had lunch in the University Mall's food court.  They had a Chick Fil A which I have missed since moving from Idaho last year.  I wanted a chicken sandwich with those wonderful waffle fries, but I had a yummy Market Salad instead with grilled chicken.  Dinner was going to be a birthday party for my mom.  Pizza and cake.  Panic!!  I limited myself to one slice of combination pizza, and a 2 heaping servings of salad.  My aunt grew most of the salad ingredients in her garden, and they tasted wonderful.  So much better than what you can buy in the grocery store.  I had been careful with my calories, so I indulged and ate a piece of Costco sheet cake.  I am a sucker for sheet cake.  It was yummy, but I realized I really only needed a couple of bites, and should have stopped there.  I still ended the day within calorie range.

Wednesday I didn't manage to eat breakfast.  The family was having donuts, and I just was too nervous to give in and start my day that way.  We went to Wendy's and I enjoyed a salad with grilled chicken.  Wendy's Grilled chicken is pretty tasty.  I have to admit. Dinner we went to Cracker Barrel.  Again, gasp!  I love Cracker Barrel's mac and cheese and fried okra, and fried apples, and a biscuits.  To my relief (thank you Kris for helping keep me focused) they have a new "Wholesome Fixins" menu that are meals all under 600 calories.  I enjoyed fish with grits and steamed broccoli.  I also ordered a salad.  I gave in at the end and shared a piece of cake with my sister.  But I didn't exceed my recommended caloric intake for the day, so I felt like I won.  Unfortunately two days of cake made being bad on Thursday really easy.

Thursday was the funeral.  Again, I skipped breakfast, and by the time we made it to the luncheon prepared for the family after the funeral I was over hungry.  I had cheesy potatoes.  I kept my portion sizes in check, but when we had leftovers for dinner my resolve was gone.  I ate my feelings.  Heaping piles of cheesy potatoes and fruit salads full of sugar and creamy goodness.  I ate Pumpkin Cake, and rolls.  In fact at the end of the day I was 1344 calories over my suggested intake.  I was so disappointed in myself, but I recorded every bite.  I held myself accountable.

Friday started well.  I ate my breakfast shake and lunch was a yummy turkey salad at Kneaders.  I am jealous of anyone who has this restaurant near them.  It is awesome!!  Dinner was our anniversary celebration.  Beau and I have been married for 6 years tomorrow, and we wanted to celebrate this joyous occasion (I love that man so much)!  I wanted Chinese and Beau wanted Pizza, so we ordered Pizza.  I am a carboholic!  I love bread!  I had Breadsticks and pizza.  But I stopped myself from eating everything in front of me and ended the day with 528 extra calories.

This morning I was worried with having had the last two days go over on calories, but I stuck to the plan and as of 5:00 PM I am still on track.  I did weigh myself, and I gained four pounds.  Of course I weighed myself at 4:00 PM after drinking water, and eating today; (I usually weigh myself first thing in the morning) not to mention water retention from traveling, I don't feel too bad.  I will weigh myself in the morning again to truly access the damage.

Overall, I survived two really hard things (a funeral and traveling) while still figuring out this lifestyle change and I feel proud.  Obviously I did not do perfectly, but I didn't completely give up on myself either.  I tracked every speed bump in my journey, so I can learn from my mistakes.  Since this is a lifestyle change I have to understand that life happens.  When I experience struggles I just need to get up and dust myself off.  I also need to realize the things I did right.  I ate out every day this week, and was able to make good decisions (as well as I know where I can work next time).  Interestingly I found that the food didn't make me feel better, instead it made me feel worse.  Eating food to mask feelings and hide fears doesn't work. 

The struggle isn't over.  There will always be a reason to give up on the plan.  There will always be some trial to smother with caramel and chocolate.  That is why I shouldn't.  I need to deal with my feelings.  It is okay to experience heart break, and hurt.  It is even okay to cry.  The truth at the end of the day is no amount of cake will make me miss my grandpa less, but it will make me feel bad about myself.  It is not medicine.  I don't need to take it.