Why Not Me?

On Sunday I heard inspiring words from the mouth of a women who has been battling breast cancer.  She is a stay at home mother of 6 (the youngest can't be more than four years old), and is not even 40 years old.  She is not the typical person diagnosed with this, but she did get diagnosed earlier this year and has been undergoing treatment.  She shared her story in church about how she relied on her faith to pull her through this trying time.  One of the things that really stuck out to me was when she told the following story.

About ten years ago she had her son who had a cleft palate.  They underwent surgery and the health problems associated and she often asked "Why me? Why do I have to go through this?"  By the end she learned that we are given the opportunity to learn and grow.  So when the diagnosis came this time she said "Why not me, and what can I learn?"  This was eye opening to me.  Am I so special that I should not have to do hard things in my life?  Why do I ask "Why me?"

When I was told prior to marrying Beau that having children would be difficult because I have PCOS, I thought, why me?  Why do I have to have a hard time.  I have a big heart, and I want to be a mother.  I figured the doctors were exaggerating the situation, but now 6 years being married and no babies I can see they were not.  My body just doesn't want to get pregnant.  This lesson was hard for me to accept.  I thought I was special, so God would perform a miracle so my body could carry a child. I know these are dangerous pathways to hope, but I have faith, so everything will go the way I want, right?  When I tried to lose weight a couple years ago I knew that I needed to get healthy so my body would be in better shape to carry a child, but I think I was still in denial.  I wanted to believe that all I had to do was show a little effort, and then the great blessing would come.  It did not come.  In the end I gave up and went back to old habits.  I was too busy asking "Why me" when I should have been asking, "What can I learn."

This new journey is much more geared toward the idea that I have something to learn.  I have not loved each lesson.  Realizing my addictions and tendencies was hard.  Accepting that I will have to live differently for the rest of my life seems terribly unfair at times, but I am learning a lot about myself.  I am stronger than I thought.  The hardest thing to master for me is self control.  But I can master me.  I always thought that fat girls were weak, I think because that is the stereotype, right? So if fat girls are weak, and I am a fat girl, then I must be a weak girl also.  This lie allowed so many years of self loathing and depression.  I think one of the most discouraging things a person can do is give into stereotypes.  Just because someone like you has done something, been something, or whatever, doesn't mean you have to follow suit.  I think of my future children, and I hope they know how special they really are.  Going to church I was taught that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father.  I stated it every Sunday as a youth, but somewhere along the line I missed the message.  I am special.  Not because I shouldn't have to experience struggles or trials, but because I am His.  I have a loving Heavenly Father who loves me so much He is willing to let me struggle through infertility and obesity, and He hasn't abandoned me. He sent His son to suffer for me and my afflictions.  My Savior knows what I am experiencing.  He has felt every temptation and heart break along this journey.  I have not been alone as I have shed tears and professed weakness.  So, why not me?  I am grateful for the lessons I learn every day, and for a loving Father to help me through this.

Yesterday at my WW meeting I weighed in 6.8 pounds lighter.  I am not sure what happened last week, but this stellar progress brings me to a total loss of 41 pounds.  That is equivalent to the weight of 5 gallons of water, an average human leg, two car tires, four 10 lb bags of potatoes, and the average 5 year old.  I feel great!  People keep asking me how I feel compared to where I started.  I feel better, but there is still a long road ahead.  I am now in wonderland as I have less than 200 pounds left to go (maybe, I haven't decided what my goal weight is 100%).  I am still trying to wrap my brain around what I want to weigh when this is all said and done.  I haven't been in the 100's since middle school.  I am pretty sure I weighed more than 200 by my Freshmen year of high school.  I have a doctor appointment next week, and that is one of the things I want to talk to her about.  What is a realistic and healthy goal weight.  I just keep taking things one pound at a time, but I do need to consider where I want to finish.