Rise Up

I am not really sure what to write about today.  I feel like a post is in order, but I don't have anything mind blowing or even partially entertaining to report.  I lost 2.8 pounds this last week, so I have recovered from my weight gain last week.

Over the weekend I detailed our "new to me" car.  There has been an unpleasant smell in it since we purchased it, and I have been waiting until we were moved out of our old place before tackling the project.  Beau helped me take all of the seats out, and I spent several hours Saturday scrubbing and cleaning the carpet to rid the smell from the car.  After those several hours, back and neck pain, and a carpal tunnel flair up the smell remains.  I wanted to cry.  I decided that I am going to need to take the carpet out and replace the padding, and that should alleviate the problem (after additional scrubbing on the carpet).  Back when I started my journey I never would have considered taking on this kind of project.  My body would complain and struggle too much with the task.  There is still a part of me that wonders if I am up to the task.  The task involves removing all the seats (again) as well as removing the center console and other trim pieces to free the carpet.  I have never attempted something like this before.  I got to thinking about it, and I realized that since I got married I have not really tried these kind of projects because Beau can and is much better than me at them.  I have released my independence and allowed myself to become dependent.  Now I don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing in all cases as we are married, and it is good to rely on each other.  But I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel proud of who I am.  If I am constantly allowing Beau to do things for me I am denying myself.  So this weekend I will tackle the scary task of working on my car...again.

I think my approach to the car situation really sums up a lot of my life - especially the last several years.  I have taken a back seat approach.  I was merely surviving through the daily tasks I was faced with.  I was easily defeated, and gave in without a fight when I did not "seem" equal to the task.  Why did I give up?  Why was I so weak?  I could write it off and say it was because of the weight, or other unfortunate aspects of my life.  I don't really think that is the answer though.  I gave up.  I didn't think I was.  I called it surviving.  It was not survival it was throwing in the towel.  I made excuses that satisfied my conscious and let go of the things that make me who I am.  I wasted a lot of time feeling sorry for myself.



I am afraid of failure.  This fear has allowed me to cower and hide when tasks seemed even the slightest bit beyond me.  I would rather never try then try and fail.  Well that is the old me.  I can try and fail, or I can try and succeed.  Is it really worth giving up the chance of success just because there is also a chance of failure?  I think of little babies as they learn to walk.  They are unsteady on their feet and often fall down.  Yet they get back up and try again.  In the scriptures we are told to be as little children.  I think that applies to more than just faith.  Little children are not afraid to fall down, or to make a mistake.  They pick themselves back up, brush of the dirt, and try a new path.  What is the worst thing that could happen if I fail?  Possibly I might embarrass myself.  But is everyone else so perfect that they don't fail in one way or another?  I also feel like I can't start something unless I have all of my ducks in row first.  That is another misconception.



So starting today, right now in this moment, I am going to stop being so scared to stumble and enjoy the successes with the failures.  I am going to put myself in situations that I would typically avoid.  I am going to become the woman that I want to be, not the one I think everyone else expects me to be based on my size, shape, education, gender, religion, family, etc.  I am going to be true to the woman inside of me.  I am going to rise up and become the person I am meant to be.