Day of Love

Yesterday I was grocery shopping at Walmart and as I walked past I saw 30 men staring very earnestly at the chocolate boxes trying to decide which one was right for their special someone.  I kind of laughed inside.  Trying to find Beau a gift he thinks is cool or special can be a real task at times.  I try to approach things from his point of view.  He always seems appreciative, but I always wonder if I could have done better.

Eating healthy on V-day is tough work.  If you go out many restaurants will have special items to celebrate the love of their patrons, the stores are covered with chocolate and candies and goodies.  Even the exchanging of valentine cards is often accompanied by a sweet something.  I am grateful I am working from home today.  I don't know if I could resist all of those sweet treats!

I decided to try a new doctor since my back pain is not improving.  I found a doctor that does both acupuncture and chiropractic.  He examined my back and did some strength testing.  He determined that I have strained my back, and that I am having significant muscle spasms.  Finally I know that I am not being a baby, and I am not crazy.  I am in fact injured.  He said that it will take a little while to get things fixed, but he believes he can help me.  Finally someone who spent enough time to look into what I was saying and experiencing!

This week I made it to a total weight loss of 64.6 pounds (which rounds up to 65 pounds on my little ticker above).  I am in shock a little bit.  I asked Beau if he could believe that was how much I have lost and he told me, "YES!  You have worked your butt off!"  I guess quite literally I have been working my butt off.  It is just funny because these milestones occur and I feel surprised each time that the number is correct.  Losing 64.6 pounds has been a long hard journey.  Just this last week I was driving home from work and found myself stuck in a huge traffic jam caused by a collision earlier in the day.  As I slowly inched my way along the freeway I passed so many food establishments.  Each one called me by name.  They "wanted" me to come and unload my burden on their tasty offerings.  But I continued to drink my water and hope to get home soon.  By the time I made it home (2.5 hours later) I really had to go to the bathroom, but I had not cheated.

I was able to go and see the progress that is being made on my house.  Things are slowly coming together.  They have painted the walls, and torn out the carpet.  There is still much to fix, but I was able to get some pictures so I could remember where things are, and what the basic layout is.  I am so excited to be able to move in when everything is all cleaned up.  I am also very excited for a shorter commute to work.  Every day I drive out of Woodburn for Silverton I think, "If we were in the new place, my commute would be over now!"  The drive to and from Lake Oswego is tiring.  Especially when the traffic is so bad!

I have continued to take things day by day with my eating.  I feel inclined to splurge all the time.  I find myself having to constantly refocus my plan.  I know that once we get into our own place at least life should get a little more normal, right?

Perception

When I look in the mirror I see a shrinking me.  I feel so accomplished and amazing.  Then I look at each lump and bump and think, "Wow girl!  You have a long way to go!"  But I look in the mirror again and I don't see the fat blob of a person I used to be.  I see a woman who is setting goals and reaching them.  I see a woman who has fallen down and picked herself back up to keep going.  This woman in the mirror is masterpiece full of imperfections that are slowly being refined and overcome.  I am beautiful.

I have never been a person who felt especially pretty.  I can really only remember one moment in my life that I felt completely beautiful.  It was on my wedding day when my husband saw me for the first time in my wedding gown.  The look on his face was unmistakable.  I knew in that moment that he only had eyes for me.  Now I was wearing the most expensive dress I have ever owned, and my hair and make up were done just right, but I was still the same me I am every other day.  Why did I feel so beautiful?  It was my perspective.



With this thought in mind I would like to share a few thoughts of my own.  I was always the fat kid at school.  I remember being taunted by the other children for my size.  I even remember the first doctors appointment where my mother was told to limit my eating.  I was in first or second grade.  I didn't know a lot of things, but I knew the doctor told my mom I needed to lose weight.  Now I won't say the doctor was in the wrong in helping my mom devise a plan to help me be healthy.  Perhaps the approach could have been improved.  Maybe I should have not been present for the conversation.  Maybe I was too sensitive.  I don't believe that was the first time I had been made aware of my size.  I am sure I knew, but I do believe that was the first time I thought I had a problem.  That was the first time I felt not good enough. So I began my first modified eating plan.  All I can remember were half sandwiches at lunch instead of whole.  I felt deprived and confused.  Everyone else could have a whole sandwich.  Why did I have to be different?

I was never incredibly athletic.  I could shoot hoops and make baskets.  I could hit a ball with a bat, and I could kick the ball in kickball.  I jumped a mean rope though!  My younger sister was the tall skinny one.  I always felt like the expectation was for her to be the athletic one.  I wasn't that tall, or lean, so I didn't feel any great expectation.  I did enjoy a more sedentary lifestyle, but was always encouraged to play outside.  I enjoyed family bike rides, and rode my bike all over to friends homes and school.  I guess my perception as a child was that I was the fat kid.  The one always picked last for a team, and always considered the weakest link.  So I lived up to what I perceived everyone else thought of me.

When my first niece was born I wanted her to never question if she was good enough.  I called her princess, and told her she was beautiful.  When my second niece was born I saw the need even greater for her.  She had someone in her life that called her names and put her down constantly.  I tried to always let her know just how special she was.  I don't know if that made any impact to either of my beautiful nieces, but I always tried to let them know just how special they are.  When my nephews came along I realized they needed the same reassurances.  They are talented and energetic young men who have such a love of life.  I can see the impact of the negative influence in their lives.  These wonderful children don't believe you when you tell them the are wonderful.  I bet they don't realize that people can see it in their eyes, but it is there.  You are more than what you perceive yourself to be.  Do not limit yourselves!

So what is beauty?  Is it having a perfect body and perfect skin and hair?  Is it having perfectly toned muscles?  Or is it something much deeper?  I am not beautiful according to those standards.  I don't have to feel ugly though.  Beauty comes from overcoming obstacles when all hope is lost.  Beauty is a smile or a handshake given without malice or judgement.  Beauty comes from sharing our talents with those around us whether that means being a good friend or playing the violin for a small audience.  Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.  Growing up there was a very kind older man in my church who would come up to the girls in my circle of friends and take the time to shake our hands, look us in the eyes, and call us princess.  When I go home and see him, he still takes the time to come up to me and shake my hand and ask how his princess is.  That is beautiful.

I guess the greatest reason that I know that being beautiful is so much more than looks comes from my faith.  
I know where I come from.  I am a daughter of God.  With this comes great blessings and great responsibility.


I know that I do not walk alone.  I know that I can correct my course and start fresh.


And most importantly the reason I am the woman I am is because...

Beautiful, Glorious Snow!

A rare snow flurry has blanketed Northwest Oregon and it is beautiful.  I truly love the look of the perfect white flakes falling from the sky.  In Idaho I would catch them on my gloved hand and look at their beautiful and unique patterns.  The clean white blanket feels like a fresh start.  Like the whole world gets to start with a clean slate.  Besides the ridiculous cold that typically accompanies such weather, I enjoy watching the snow fall from inside my warm house.

At times I wish for the same kind of fresh start in my own life.  I think of the what if I had... and find myself longing for the past me to have made different choices.  The most common are the choices made when I gave up on changing my lifestyle in the past.  I think to myself how different my life would be had I not given in.  As I have worked through the journey I have finally come to the realization that I am grateful that I am fat.  I have learned so many lessons about myself that I may not have if I had been healthier.  Now that being sad, I don't plan to stay fat so I can learn more about myself.  Changing my habits and routines has opened my eyes to what life could be like as I keep moving forward.

I have started working on retraining my dog.  She is a sweetheart with a crazy habit of annoying everyone around her by jumping, licking, etc.  I want to have a calm dog that walks nicely on a leash and can be around people without disturbing the peace.  As I have been reading about do training I realize that I have to train myself as well as her.  I have to be consistent and calm as I guide her toward correct behavior.  I have never considered the need to train myself as I train her.  I always thought it was her fault that she was crazy (well I did blame myself for not training her, but I never thought my reactions to her behavior were only increasing her bad behavior).  I have high hopes for correcting her and leading us both to a much more peaceful coexistence. She is a part of my family, and I do adore her very much!

I am happy to report that I have been doing well since my last slip up.  I am focusing on my water and fruits and veggies.  I am feeling good and in control.  Just taking things one mouthful at a time.  

The Great Binge

Yesterday around 2:30 PM I caved.  I have had sciatic pain for the last week and a half.  I had to cancel Bunco with friends due to weather.  I am living out of boxes and suitcases.  I wanted to feel comfortable.  I returned to an old friend.  Not a friend that gives you strength to keep going.  I visited a friend who lets you justify all of the wrong choices.  You know the one I am talking about.  The one that tells you that everything will be okay if you just let your guard down for one minute.  The one that is a liar.  A thief of all things good and positive.  And I returned to the one thing that always feels good.  Food.

It started with just one WW snack bar.  It tasted good, and I justified a second, and then more.  I just couldn't get enough.  I needed more.  The more I ate, the worse I felt inside.  I knew I needed to stop, but that little liar in my head said that if I have just one more everything will fix itself.  When I finally stopped I had consumed 2 bags of WW Popped Cinnamon Swirl Crisps, 6 WW Mint Cookie Crisp mini bars, 4 WW Chocolate Pretzel Blast Bars, and 1 WW Marshmallow Brownie Crunch Bar.  That is a total of 24 WW PointsPlus.  I was defeated.  I also had a tummy ache.

I decided that I had ruined everything.  I had wasted the last 5 months killing myself to have it all ruined in one afternoon of self doubt and pity.  We had a wonderful stir fry dinner, and I hid my disappointment in myself.  After dinner Beau asked if I would take a drive with him, and I spilled my guts.  I thought he would be disappointed or mad at me.  He told me that I had returned to what felt comfortable.  Just like any other addict would.  He told me then that I told myself the lies that made me feel safe in hiding my error.  And just like any other addict hiding would not fix my problem.  So, I brushed it off.  What was done was done.  I could not remove the error without causing harm to my body, so the necessary response was a correction to my path.  I decided to make a plan so today would be better.

I had oatmeal and fruit for breakfast with nonfat milk.  For lunch I ordered Chicken, vegetables, and brown rice from my favorite Thai restaurant (by work).  On my way home from work I stopped by the grocery store and grabbed some things that would be appropriate snacks, and binge proof.  I purchased a bunch of bananas, 3 pears, and 3 oranges.  I have already eaten one banana.  I am taking back my power to chose what will and will not happen in my weight loss journey.  So I stumbled.  I picked myself back up and am correcting my course.  I am also acknowledging that I am human.  I gave in, and I learned from it.  The food did not make me feel more comfortable.  It did not remove my back pain.  It only increased my internal struggle.

So there.  I am letting it all hang out.