The Great Binge

Yesterday around 2:30 PM I caved.  I have had sciatic pain for the last week and a half.  I had to cancel Bunco with friends due to weather.  I am living out of boxes and suitcases.  I wanted to feel comfortable.  I returned to an old friend.  Not a friend that gives you strength to keep going.  I visited a friend who lets you justify all of the wrong choices.  You know the one I am talking about.  The one that tells you that everything will be okay if you just let your guard down for one minute.  The one that is a liar.  A thief of all things good and positive.  And I returned to the one thing that always feels good.  Food.

It started with just one WW snack bar.  It tasted good, and I justified a second, and then more.  I just couldn't get enough.  I needed more.  The more I ate, the worse I felt inside.  I knew I needed to stop, but that little liar in my head said that if I have just one more everything will fix itself.  When I finally stopped I had consumed 2 bags of WW Popped Cinnamon Swirl Crisps, 6 WW Mint Cookie Crisp mini bars, 4 WW Chocolate Pretzel Blast Bars, and 1 WW Marshmallow Brownie Crunch Bar.  That is a total of 24 WW PointsPlus.  I was defeated.  I also had a tummy ache.

I decided that I had ruined everything.  I had wasted the last 5 months killing myself to have it all ruined in one afternoon of self doubt and pity.  We had a wonderful stir fry dinner, and I hid my disappointment in myself.  After dinner Beau asked if I would take a drive with him, and I spilled my guts.  I thought he would be disappointed or mad at me.  He told me that I had returned to what felt comfortable.  Just like any other addict would.  He told me then that I told myself the lies that made me feel safe in hiding my error.  And just like any other addict hiding would not fix my problem.  So, I brushed it off.  What was done was done.  I could not remove the error without causing harm to my body, so the necessary response was a correction to my path.  I decided to make a plan so today would be better.

I had oatmeal and fruit for breakfast with nonfat milk.  For lunch I ordered Chicken, vegetables, and brown rice from my favorite Thai restaurant (by work).  On my way home from work I stopped by the grocery store and grabbed some things that would be appropriate snacks, and binge proof.  I purchased a bunch of bananas, 3 pears, and 3 oranges.  I have already eaten one banana.  I am taking back my power to chose what will and will not happen in my weight loss journey.  So I stumbled.  I picked myself back up and am correcting my course.  I am also acknowledging that I am human.  I gave in, and I learned from it.  The food did not make me feel more comfortable.  It did not remove my back pain.  It only increased my internal struggle.

So there.  I am letting it all hang out.