One Week and Counting

I made it through my first complete week on Weight Watchers... Again.  I lost 7.4 pounds.  So happy to be on the downward track again.  The first few weeks are such a mind game when I work to change my habits.  Am I working hard enough?  Is this going to work?  Am I wasting my time and money? AAAhhh!  I hate all of the internal dialog that makes me doubt myself.  Even after I found out I lost 7.4 pounds (which by the way, is as much as a newborn baby) I still felt a little disappointment in myself.  I should have done better.  Why do I have these feeling or let these feelings come out?

The truth is, it is my insecurities and short comings that are rearing their ugly head.  I have to learn how to master the monster that says that I am not enough.  This monster has been chasing me a lot lately.  It has told me I am not a good enough mother, or wife.  It has told me that I am not worthy of friendship or joy.  I could write this off as depression and say I can't do anything about it.  Whether it's in my head, or it's  a chemical imbalance - I still have to conquer the monster.  So to focus on the light inside of me.  The light that says you are enough,  you are a good mom and a good wife, and you are stronger than you think.

So this is what I am striving for.  Not for perfection all at once, but to be a little better everyday.   And some days I may step backwards a little.  And that is okay.  Because tomorrow is a new day full of possibilities.  If this journey to make myself better was only about weight, I wouldn't have a weight problem to begin with.  So I have to tackle and face the monsters that rear their ugly head that make me question my success.  And that's okay.  I may have to fight depression head on, and that's okay.  I can do that.

Whether I am working to better myself or not.  The time will pass.  I only have this day once.

So for today I am going to love on my daughter, I am going to eat healthy and take care of me.  I am going to let my husband tell me I am beautiful and try really hard to see the beauty he sees in me.  I will not let the monster inside tell me if I am good enough or not.  It isn't any of the stupid monster's business anyways.