Moving Ahead

This weekend was a struggle for me.  I found myself trying to justify every bad eating habit from before I started this journey.  It was as if this was my last weekend of freedom to eat whatever I wanted.  I even had the thought "Well, maybe I will take a night off."  This was totally a crazy thought.  A dangerous thought.  I made it through Friday and Saturday no worse for the wear, but Sunday I gave in.  I felt sick this morning. Literally.  My stomach hurt, and I had heartburn.  So in an effort to not let myself get any more off course I signed up for Weight Watchers this morning.  I will attend my first meeting tonight.  I have started tracking my food on my app, and I am all set.  This doesn't mean smooth sailing, but it does mean I am accountable to a program again.  I have a set goal and a purpose.  I could use some positive vibes if anyone would like to send them as I go to my first meeting!

As I experienced the pains of my head telling my stomach that it was hungry, I felt exhausted.  I keep feeling this fear that I will always feel hungry, even when I am not.  Part of my addiction was the "high."  My high comes from being totally and completely full.  It makes me feel safe and comfortable.  I haven't had that feeling in a while now.  I haven't completely let go since I started.  As silly as this is, I feel a little lost.  I have had to find other things that give me comfort.  I haven't found a perfect solution to this yet.  I will have moments of peace, but I find myself fighting me about 95% of the day still.  I try to celebrate the moments that I am winning.  That internal pat on the back.  I have heard the statement "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."  The fat girl inside of me, who has not been thin since she was very little (and maybe not really thin then either), says "Obviously you haven't had chocolate cake or pizza or ice cream.  Those all taste really good, and when my high comes from overeating, they also feel really good...temporarily.  I guess it comes down to perspective.  Maybe for me I should think, "Nothing tastes as good as achieving your dreams" (read Why).  Corny, huh?



Seriously though, I need to find a new center if food can't be it, which it can't.  I feel miserable all the time trying not to think about food.  And in this society it is really hard, even if you aren't one to naturally obsess over food.  Consider all of the media: TV advertisements, ads on Facebook, ads on the internet in general.  With the holidays around the corner there is discussion of parties which often center around food.  My birthday is next month (along with Beau, Beau's mom, and Beau's brother).  Not the mention the fact that one of my hobbies/talents is cooking.  I hate to toot my own horn but I make awesome cookies.  Okay, here's something funny.  One of my favorite shows is Cake Boss.  I can't watch it anymore.  It makes me crazy.  I need a new hobby.  Something to take my mind off of eating.

I'm thinking of sewing more.  It is an old hobby, but it makes me happy, and you can't eat while sewing without making a mess.  I also like to scrapbook.  Maybe it is time to start that up again.  Cooking healthy foods could be a hobby too, it is just torture to look through recipes because inevitably I find all the unhealthiest recipes to drool over.  Maybe the hobby will come from converting less healthy meals into healthy ones.  I actually feel more satisfied from healthy food.  I enjoy my food more now then I did before.  If anyone has any fun hobbies to suggest, I am open to suggestion.  Also, if anyone has any healthy food tricks or recipes they would like to share that would be awesome.