'Tis the Season

I love Christmas time.  I love the music and the lights.  I love the general feeling of goodwill and peace on earth.  I especially love an entire month dedicated to the Saviors life and, of course, His birth.  This year was especially different in comparison to any other Christmas because I didn't decorate my home.  I always put up a tree and some carefully placed decorations, however, with the move so close to Christmas I decided not to stress about decorations.  Since I have never lived through an undecorated Christmas I felt a little like the Grinch did on Christmas morning when the Who's were still singing.  Christmas came without trees, and garland, ornaments, etc.  Not having the decorations made me work harder to remember the Christmas Spirit.  I found my thoughts turning to what matters most.  I am so grateful for this rare, and most likely unrepeated, Christmas without decorations.

We spent a wonderful evening with Beau's parents and maternal grandparents.  We did something I have never done before, but will definitely do again.  We had griddles on the table and an assortment of meats and veggies that you sauteed and put sauce on.  It was so fun to cook right at the table.  It was so tasty and healthy too!  We finished the evening listening to Beau's father reading the Christmas story from the Bible.  Christmas day we slept in and enjoyed a quiet day at home.  I look forward to the day when we will have littles in the house excited to see what Santa brought them.  That was the only thing missing from our day.

Today I will begin packing the house - frantically. Our move out day is January 15th, but we are hoping to be out sooner.  I figure I will use the remaining time I have off to get things organized and as packed as possible.  Then we will live in limbo (stay with Beau's parents - not that their house is limbo, but it is just not our house) until our place is ready to move in.

I came to some realizations about myself again.  On Christmas I decided to cook up some t-bone steaks (thank you Tiffany) and potatoes and rolls.  This was a deadly combination.  I didn't do much preparation in advance to concocting this plan, so I made an entire meal of things I can gorge myself on.  I had 3 rolls because I forgot how much I love home baked rolls - and I gave in to my gluttony.  I didn't have any potatoes, but I did saute up some veggies that tasted fantastic with the steak.  At the end of the evening I was not satisfied and the monster inside of me screamed for more, More, MORE!!  It took all of my restraint to just put the food away.  Actually I did a lot of putting food away yesterday.  I put all of the cookies in the freezer so I wouldn't want to eat them every time I walked into the kitchen (since they seemed to be staring me in the face).  Basically, yesterday was the remember not to eat that day.  My head just screamed for goodies and treats.  I think I was a bit homesick thinking of what my family was doing in California.  I dreamed of the food there, and tried to recreate it here.  I needed to create a new tradition for my family  in regards to food.  The baking was actually a wonderful and relaxing time for me.  I enjoy baking so much.  I think that next year I will be better at finding a good place to store them so I don't have to look at them so much after they are baked.  I also need to plan Christmas dinner in a way that will allow me to enjoy the food while still being able to remain in check with my eating.

Another realization I have come to is that it is easier for me to eat out than it is to eat at home.  This isn't just because when you eat out they prepare, serve, and clean up the meal.  It is because there is a set amount of food available.  Once the food is gone it is gone.  When I cook I am left with leftovers, and the urge to grab another serving.  This is dangerous to me, since portion control is one of the areas I struggle with the most.  I can make good decisions, but too much of a good thing can be bad.

As I prepare for this move I have been considering one of the areas that is most difficult for me - eating.  Typically I pack the whole kitchen and then we have to eat out (typically a lot of fast food) until we are unpacked in our new place.  So I have devised a plan.  I am going to plan out a bunch of freezer meals, so that when we move we have ready to go food that I won't have to worry about preparation clean up - so much.  At least with this move we won't be moving several states.  We are moving about 15 miles - so freezer meals will not be hard to transport.

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday.  I know that I love being able to spend time with mine!

Peanut Brittle and Such!

It's that time of year when treat giving is at an all time high, and I joined in the festivities.  This weekend I made peanut brittle, peppermint bark, peanut blossoms, chocolate chip cookies, homemade oreos (red velvet and golden), and chocolate crinkles.  By last night I was done looking at sweet treats and dishes.  I was grateful to unload some this morning and sent them with Beau to take to his coworkers and others he wanted to thank.  With all this temptation in the house I indulged in one piece of nostalgic, crunchy, and sweet peanutty goodness which is peanut brittle.  Making Peanut Brittle is a family tradition.  My mother has made it every Christmas for as long as I can remember.  She even has uses a special pot.  It is a triangle Guardian Service Pot.  I have never made it before, and when I called my mom for some tips I discovered she was also making Peanut Brittle with my oldest sister.  Then I found out that my second oldest sister was also making Peanut Brittle.  It made the tradition that much more enjoyable.  There is something simply impressive in watching ingredients turn from liquid goo to candy.

Despite all the sweets in the house I still managed to lose a little more weight!  Thank Heavens!!  Last week was overwhelming with the desire to binge and give up.  I am glad to have my resolve back.  I think that writing down my concerns helps strengthen me in my weakest moments.  I am re-centered and refocused.  I am also accountable for the feelings that I am having.  I never thought that writing down my weaknesses would make me so much stronger.

I want to take a moment to recognize one of my greatest supporters.  This person is one of the pickiest eaters I know and one of the most opposed to change as well.  This person only wants the best for those around them, and often time tries to overcome their own personal struggles with "weird" foods in order to support me.  This wonderful person is my husband.  Sometimes he just wants Pizza, but that is understandable.  He is not ready to make the same changes that I am making.  I have a very huge incentive to lose this weight (to hopefully improve my chances of becoming a mother as well as improve my blood pressure and heart murmur); however, Beau does not have any health reasons to change the way he is doing things.  Neither of us have been diagnosed with Diabetes or High Cholesterol.  He doesn't have Blood Pressure or Heart Issues.  Besides the occasional feeling of fatigue, Beau doesn't have a pressing reason to lose weight or change his eating habits.  He is so amazing to me.  He tells me that he loves me just the way I am, and I don't need to change for him.  He knows that I want to change, so he has patiently waited in restaurants as I try to find a healthy option, attempted to eat my poorly adapted recipes with strange ingredients, the long grocery store trips as I search for the best option, and so many other things.  He listens to me as I pour my heart out in concerns over cooking, eating, cravings, and fears.  He gives me advice and a hug when I just need to know that he cares and loves me.  Now he struggles from time to time, and just needs to eat a hamburger.  This is why we are such a good match.  He is patient as I work diligently on changing my lifestyle, and I am patient with him as he needs to eat the foods that make him happy.  I am so grateful to have him at my side as we both try to figure out how to live with my lifestyle.  It makes us better together.

Dangerous Waters

I have been here before.  I lose 40ish pounds and then somehow lose focus or get over confident that I know what I am doing and then things fall apart.  On Friday night Beau asked me if I wanted to eat at a buffet, and the thought was terrifying.  I could feel my resolve leaving me.  I could binge on all sorts of soups, breads, and desserts.  This sounded wonderful - for a moment and then horrible.  I told Beau I didn't know if I could eat at a buffet.  We actually had a really good conversation about losing 40 pounds and then how things go to pot.  In my defense the last time there was a life changing event that occurred (one of the only things I will not discuss on this blog) and through me for a complete loop.  I was derailed, and turned to to the only thing that felt safe - food.

I am confident in saying that nothing like that is going to derail me this time, but call it superstition - I am scared.  I finished off last week strong and lost 3.8 more pounds (I am not sure why I have lost so much in the last couple weeks, but I expect things to slow down again soon).  Then Monday evening brought back another desire for bad food and indulgences.  I held it together.  Tuesday Beau wanted Pizza for dinner, and I loosely counted points.  I weighed yesterday morning to hold myself accountable and died a little when I was up since my Monday weigh in.  So I recommitted and went to work.  Literally, I drove into the office in Lake Oswego.  They provided a Holiday Luncheon complete with salad, pasta, bread, and tiramisu.  I was very careful as I loaded my plate 2/3 full of leafy greens with a nice vinaigrette dressing.  Then I had just a taste of a couple pasta's and a meatball.  Everything tasted yummy, but my brain wanted more.  I indulged in a small piece of tiramisu and called it a wrap.  I finished yesterday strong.  Still struggling, but even in these struggles I am learning.  I have lost 45 pounds.  While this is an amazing accomplishment I am not done and cannot rest.

I have a doctor appointment today and am actually excited to step on the scale.  Why? Well because the last time I was at the doctor's office I could not weight on their scale because it didn't go high enough to register my accurate weight.  I know that this should not be the case today.  I will be able to step on the scale and have my weight measured - like a normal person.

I am a little nervous for Christmas.  I haven't considered the food as much as I considered Thanksgiving.  I think I am either in denial that there will be tempting food, or Christmas dinners feel like just another day to count points and enjoy family.  I am not sure which one most successfully represents my current state.  Maybe a little of both.  I think what I am most concerned with is my quickly approaching baking session.  Beau works with a lot of great people (so do I for that matter) and he asked me to bake goodies for Christmas that he will be able to share.  I haven't really baked cookies since starting this change.  The reason is that one is never enough.  So I will be baking and then shipping out the goodies as fast as possible.

I guess there was one other thing this weekend that was hard.  On Saturday Beau and I were at Costco and he wanted to buy a Costco Cake (chocolate cake, with chocolate mousse, and chocolate buttercream) to have at a family dinner we were having at our house on Sunday.  I told him no - I could not have it in the house.  The thought made me panic.  Especially since we were only feeding 8 adults total (one is me, and two others don't eat gluten), and a toddler and a baby.  An entire Costco Cake can feed a small army.  That is when Beau shared a concern.  He told me that he didn't think it was fair that just because I was eating differently that he could not have yummy foods anymore.  This was a tough topic.  I am kind of split in two on the subject to be honest.  I don't want a Costco Cake in the house.  I don't need it and neither does really anyone else for that matter.  I even feel conflicted on the idea of baking goodies to promote other peoples bad eating.  I have indulged in a dessert here and there, but it has always been within my points.  I decided that I understood his point, and I allowed him to buy the chocolate cake.  We didn't open it until after dinner on Sunday, and on Monday morning Beau took the remaining (after eating the cake and giving away some) half of the cake to work to share.  I did have a piece.  It was everything that Costco cake should be - including a huge temptation.

I think I have come to the realization that it isn't the 40 pound milestone that has potentially derailed me this time, but instead my poor decisions.  I made the excuse that it was the 40 pound mark that made my thinking change and allow my indulgences this week.  I am feeling refocused and ready for the challenges that come.  I haven't gained any weight (during my weekly weigh ins at WW), so I can still continue to work hard and avoid trigger foods.  Life is good.  There is always going to be yummy foods that tempt me.  I can either choose to make excuses and succumb, or I can be strong and overcome.  45 pounds down tells me that I can do this.  I can do this hard thing and so many others!

Realizations

Yesterday I went to the doctor to get some blood work done.  Nothing crazy, just a check up.  The doctors office has this special chair that they have the patients sit in for blood draws.  It has this arm the lays across their lap after they sit on it so they can rest their arms.  The last time I had blood work done at this doctor, the tray would not lay flat.  It was embarrassing, but the nurse was gracious and didn't comment on my problem.  Yesterday when I say down in the chair, the nurse laid the rotated the arm down and it rested flat. In fact, my belly didn't really touch that stupid arm.  I felt like a rock star.  I have had other realizations like that that just make me feel kind of awesome.  

Our car's seat belts were not long enough for me to be able to plug in across my large torso.  We bought a seat belt extension, and moved on with life.  The other day I got in the car and was able to buckle the seat belt without the extension.  It was snug, but it fit.

When I was traveling heavily for work I bought this coat at the Mall of America in Minneapolis.  At the time the coat was snug, but I told myself I would shrink and fit in it by the next winter. Last winter I wore the coat one time.  That was all I could do.  It was too small.  I put the coat on this year and wear it on almost every outing.  The coat not only fits, but fits comfortably.

I tried on a pair of pants I outgrow long ago and they fit. 

My wedding ring doesn't feel like it is cutting the circulation off from my finger and slides easily on and off.

A shirt I bought over a year ago fits me better now than it did when I purchased it.

I am still overweight, but I am realizing that I am not as big as I once was.  There is a little more room in my clothes, and I like it.

I have really been enjoying listening to Christmas music.  I turn it on while I work and when I am driving around. I have been giving some thought to this Christmas season.  What does Christmas mean to me?  I have always loved the Christmas holiday and season.  I love being able to remember the Savior and not only his miraculous birth, but also his ministry, infinite atonement, and resurrection.  I am so grateful to have an entire month focused on Christ.

Why Not Me?

On Sunday I heard inspiring words from the mouth of a women who has been battling breast cancer.  She is a stay at home mother of 6 (the youngest can't be more than four years old), and is not even 40 years old.  She is not the typical person diagnosed with this, but she did get diagnosed earlier this year and has been undergoing treatment.  She shared her story in church about how she relied on her faith to pull her through this trying time.  One of the things that really stuck out to me was when she told the following story.

About ten years ago she had her son who had a cleft palate.  They underwent surgery and the health problems associated and she often asked "Why me? Why do I have to go through this?"  By the end she learned that we are given the opportunity to learn and grow.  So when the diagnosis came this time she said "Why not me, and what can I learn?"  This was eye opening to me.  Am I so special that I should not have to do hard things in my life?  Why do I ask "Why me?"

When I was told prior to marrying Beau that having children would be difficult because I have PCOS, I thought, why me?  Why do I have to have a hard time.  I have a big heart, and I want to be a mother.  I figured the doctors were exaggerating the situation, but now 6 years being married and no babies I can see they were not.  My body just doesn't want to get pregnant.  This lesson was hard for me to accept.  I thought I was special, so God would perform a miracle so my body could carry a child. I know these are dangerous pathways to hope, but I have faith, so everything will go the way I want, right?  When I tried to lose weight a couple years ago I knew that I needed to get healthy so my body would be in better shape to carry a child, but I think I was still in denial.  I wanted to believe that all I had to do was show a little effort, and then the great blessing would come.  It did not come.  In the end I gave up and went back to old habits.  I was too busy asking "Why me" when I should have been asking, "What can I learn."

This new journey is much more geared toward the idea that I have something to learn.  I have not loved each lesson.  Realizing my addictions and tendencies was hard.  Accepting that I will have to live differently for the rest of my life seems terribly unfair at times, but I am learning a lot about myself.  I am stronger than I thought.  The hardest thing to master for me is self control.  But I can master me.  I always thought that fat girls were weak, I think because that is the stereotype, right? So if fat girls are weak, and I am a fat girl, then I must be a weak girl also.  This lie allowed so many years of self loathing and depression.  I think one of the most discouraging things a person can do is give into stereotypes.  Just because someone like you has done something, been something, or whatever, doesn't mean you have to follow suit.  I think of my future children, and I hope they know how special they really are.  Going to church I was taught that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father.  I stated it every Sunday as a youth, but somewhere along the line I missed the message.  I am special.  Not because I shouldn't have to experience struggles or trials, but because I am His.  I have a loving Heavenly Father who loves me so much He is willing to let me struggle through infertility and obesity, and He hasn't abandoned me. He sent His son to suffer for me and my afflictions.  My Savior knows what I am experiencing.  He has felt every temptation and heart break along this journey.  I have not been alone as I have shed tears and professed weakness.  So, why not me?  I am grateful for the lessons I learn every day, and for a loving Father to help me through this.

Yesterday at my WW meeting I weighed in 6.8 pounds lighter.  I am not sure what happened last week, but this stellar progress brings me to a total loss of 41 pounds.  That is equivalent to the weight of 5 gallons of water, an average human leg, two car tires, four 10 lb bags of potatoes, and the average 5 year old.  I feel great!  People keep asking me how I feel compared to where I started.  I feel better, but there is still a long road ahead.  I am now in wonderland as I have less than 200 pounds left to go (maybe, I haven't decided what my goal weight is 100%).  I am still trying to wrap my brain around what I want to weigh when this is all said and done.  I haven't been in the 100's since middle school.  I am pretty sure I weighed more than 200 by my Freshmen year of high school.  I have a doctor appointment next week, and that is one of the things I want to talk to her about.  What is a realistic and healthy goal weight.  I just keep taking things one pound at a time, but I do need to consider where I want to finish.

Milestones

Well I cautiously weighed in on Monday to find that I had shed 1.2 more pounds!  This meant that I have lost over 20 pounds since starting WW, and I reached my 5% goal.  That means that I lost weight while celebrating three birthdays (one of which was my own) and Thanksgiving.  No small accomplishment.  Who wants to be cautious with Birthday cake?  NOT I!!  But I knew I was on the edge of reaching my 5%.  I had to do my best.

On the 26th I made Beau two of his three requested birthday desserts:  Orange Pop Cake and Better than Sex Cake.  My house smelled heavenly.  I had planned a surprise party for him at his parents house where we would also be enjoying Double Bacon Cheeseburgers.  Needless to say everything was super healthy... I was slicing tomatoes and onions for the burgers when I decided that I needed to try out my mandolin slicer.  So, I pulled it out and prepared to be amazed.  What was truly shocking was the amount of blood that comes out from the tip of one's newly sliced off finger.  No doctor's were needed, but lets just say that tears were shed.  Somehow I made it to the Party mostly in tact and prepared myself for the feast ahead.  I limited myself to one burger, no bacon or mayo, with lots of veggies (even though my self pity was fighting desperately to eat Eat EAT!!).  I even indulged in a piece of cake.  The evening was nice and I didn't go over on my points.

Wednesday was my birthday.  Somehow the day seemed sad at first.  I struggled to be happy and positive.  But I decided to put on my happy face.  My nieces, mother in law, and sister in law, and husband's grandma threw a tea party for me, and even made sure the food was prepared in a way to maximize my points.  It was amazing.  So much yummy healthy food!  Beau let me choose where I wanted to go for dinner, and I selected Red Lobster.  Mmm sea food.  It was soooooooo good.  I had my points calculated exactly so I could appropriately indulge in my dinner and dessert.  Still, I stayed within my points for the day.

Thursday I spent the morning cooking the Turkey, Stuffing, and a veggie dip for Thanksgiving dinner.  I had a lot of fun preparing the food.  It reminded me why I love cooking.  We had dinner at Beau's parents home surrounded by family and friends.  The day was lovely.  I again stayed within my points.

Friday I went to Ikea with my sister in law and nieces.  I found healthy food for lunch at Ikea, and had a wonderful time.  The last time I went to Ikea the trip was really hard for me.  All of the walking was taxing on my body and I was very tired by the end.  I walked all over the store, and didn't even get a cart to lean on (never skipped that before).  We walked out of there with smiles on our faces (and my pockets just a little lighter).  I felt so proud of how far I had come.

Saturday we went shopping.  When my mother in law invited me the initial response that came to mind was "I better not, I won't be able to keep up."  But then I decided to go.  I deserve to have the life I want.  So we went to Walmart, the Woodburn Outlets, Washington Square Mall, and Toys'R'Us.  The only thing that was hard about all the walking were my tired feet from wearing the wrong shoes.  I was able to walk all day.  It was such an amazing feeling to not feel so limited.  I could be social and not embarrassed.  I tried a new kind of food at the mall: Greek food.  It was so yummy - and healthy.  I had a wonderful salad with a light vinaigrette, rice, and this amazing meat.  I also experienced Tzatziki sauce. mmmm  Even thought I was watching what I was consuming, I fully enjoyed that meal.  I think the most exciting moment though was when I went to the Outlets.  We had gone into this cute kids clothing store.  I had finished looking around and came outside to wait for everyone.  My mother in law pointed out that Lane Bryant was right next door.  she asked if I was going to go look.  I have been meaning to go inside and try on the pants that didn't fit anymore, but had been nervous.  So, I gathered my courage and walked in.  I grabbed the jeans, and headed for the fitting room.  I carefully tried them on full expecting to not get them around my hips much less zipped and buttoned - but they did. I won't lie, they were a bit tight, but I did not have to lay down or anything to get them to zip and button.  EUREKA!!  I did it.  They didn't have the cut I wanted in the store, so I will be ordering online.  What an amazing accomplishment.  I almost cried.  So I will be crafting my new outfit, and then I will model it once it arrives.  I am no Heidi Klum, but I am proud of getting to this point.  There is still many more milestones ahead.  I am excited.  Bring it on.

Sunday I think I could have eaten the entire world.  It was like there was no satisfying my hunger.  I wanted MORE!!!  I reigned it in, and finished the day strong.  Monday I went into work and waited somewhat impatiently for my meeting.  Finally when the time came I very cautiously stepped on the scale.  I was so happy.  I had made my goal.  I did it!!

So I think I experienced several great milestones this last week.  I celebrated a birthday, conquered a fear, and lost weight.  Every day is a new trial and I will take them one at a time.  But there is so much to be thankful for and to celebrate.

I have been doing some thinking this week about how my thinking has changed since I started this whole process.  At first I was fighting my self all the time, and now the choices are becoming more and more natural.  I don't have to convince myself so much to make the healthier choice.  I am even allowing myself to consider the possibility of actually being a mom.  My body is not ready yet, but I am working hard to prepare my body to carry a child.  We looked at a house to rent on Tuesday.  It is so much bigger than our home now, and will allow room to grow.  It was kind of fun to think that house may be the one I bring a little one home to.  It will be awhile, and that is okay.  If I lost the weight overnight I wouldn't appreciate it.  Also, I am learning how to take care of my body for life.  I am not making changes just for now, but for the rest of my life.  I am learning how to live healthy so when I have a family I will be able to keep up with them and enjoy their little spirits full of energy.

I was thinking about Christmas today and how much more fun Christmas is with children.  Yesterday we said goodbye to Beau's sister, Tiffany, as she left for Wisconsin.  Her family is relocating.  This means the two sweet girls that I have sleepovers with and pony parties will be a lot farther away.  This especially hit me hard for the Christmas season as we enjoyed their company last year decorating our home, Christmas Tree, and celebrating the Christmas season.  Thank Heavens that Beau's brother Brigham, and his wife Debra, and their sweet family will still be able to spend the holidays with us.  I don't know how I would survive without them.  They truly bring so much joy and happiness to Beau and I.  Oh December, you came so quickly this year - just like every other year!