I did it! One small step for mankind. One giant leap for Joanne!

I made it through the meeting.  I wasn't sure how it was going to be.  Amazingly, I am pretty shy when around new people and places.  On my way there a friend called and asked if I was going to the Weight Watchers meeting (she is already a member) and it felt good to have a friendly familiar face to be there and walk in with me.  I stepped on the scale and found that I am not in as bad a shape as I thought.  I am not completely back to where I was when I started my journey 3 years ago.  I was happy that I didn't completely undo all of that hard work!

Now for the Before pics.  I want to document my progress.  Beau took my pics (he is not a good photographer, but it gets the job done.

I think I have been seeing so many first day of school photos I had to have a first day of Weight Watchers photo.

So I haven't jumped over any hurdles (other than signing up and going to the meeting), so no revealing life moments to share yet.  Just the proud acknowledgement that I had a healthy breakfast. I tracked my food.  I am grateful to be doing this for me.  I need this.  

Begin at the Beginning... Again

There is something so disappointing about returning to where you started or worse.  About 3 years ago I started a journey that successfully helped me lose weight, and gain so much more insight about myself, my value and self worth, physical capabilities, and ultimately allowed my body to carry my first child into the world.  I looked at my work and felt so much pride in my accomplishments.  And then ... I ate.

The details of my day to day life were overwhelmed with pick ups and drop offs from daycare, increasing Portland traffic, and a baby to care for when I wasn't at work.  I was exhausted to say the least.  Also, my marriage was struggling - as many do after the birth of a child.  Beau and I had been married for 7 years before our little one joined our family.  We had established a routine and a rhythm to our life together.  Suddenly our schedules revolved around feedings (I nursed and pumped exclusively), naps, diapers, and play time.  While we were so happy to have our daughter, the struggle was real.   I felt like a bad wife and mother to not be able to balance all of the things I was responsible for... so I ate.

I tried to lose weight and return to Weight Watchers 6 weeks after Johanna was born, but I just couldn't seem to get it right, and ultimately ended up cancelling.  I figured I needed to get my head in the game and be ready to make the commitment to take care of myself again.

In the last several months I have had the opportunity to work from home/or bring my daughter with me to work.  This has been an immense blessing that has removed some of the stresses of my day.  I get to be with her all the time.  Since I have been able to be with her all of the time I have noticed just how slow and out of shape I am.  I cannot keep up with her.  My greatest fear is her running out into the street and me not being fast enough to get her in time.  I also realize that she needs a sibling, and we would like our family to expand again.  There is no hope of this happening if some changes are not made.  So.  I have been trying to put my head in the game and get ready for this difficult journey once again.  I know it will be difficult, and sometimes seem impossible, but I can do this.

Yesterday I had to chase a runaway pet down the road.  I haven't run in literally years.  It was embarrassing how slow and jiggly my body is.  But even still as I ran picture slow jogging), I realized that I could work hard and possibly run one day.  I could work up to a 5k.  I could get healthy so that I can run with my daughter, and teach her how to live so she can be healthy.

So I make my first big step by going to my first meeting in over 18 months to Weight Watchers.  I am going to the group local to my home now, so it will be a new leader, and new people in a new building.  But I am going to do it.  I will be strong,  and I will succeed.

Some thoughts as I move forward...

Clothes Shopping is not Okay

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  I miss my blog.  A lot has changed since my last post, and I miss my greatest release - writing.  Funny that it has taken me this long to come back, but balancing the struggles of working full time, being a mom, serving in the church, and everything else in between made me feel like I didn't have time to write, much less do anything else for myself.  I slowly began to put on weight as my exhaustion increased and my stress expanded.  It seemed as though the pounds came in anticipation of my next overwhelming task - which triggered the next purchase of undoubtedly the best tasting junk food known to man.

This all came to a head as I each of my clothes became a little snugger, or worn out completely.  I have been putting of going clothes shopping because it is always the one thing to remind me that I am not taking care of myself... again.  A reminder of all the hard work seemingly gone to waste from before I got pregnant with Johanna.  Well finally the last pair of ill fitting pants has shown signs of preparing to bite the dust, so I had to go shopping.  Clothes shopping is not okay.  It is evil, and must be destroyed.  It not only can deplete my bank account, but it can deplete my self confidence in no time at all.  I looked at one rack of pants and could feel my blood pressure rising, and my anxiety rearing its ugly head.  I basically fled the scene.  Beau was trying to be supportive, but he could tell me I'm pretty from here until eternity, and until I change my way of thinking nothing will get better.

So, here I am.  At the beginning of a new journey.  The journey to be the kind of woman I need to be for me, my family, friends, and the kind of person who can be there for those around her.

Today in Relief Society (read all adult women's gospel study) class, the teacher shared a story about a 60 year old woman who had come into the hospital she was working.  This woman was wheeled in by her husband, and when questioned as to why she was in the wheel chair, it basically came down to laziness.  She was too lazy to be bothered with walking around and taking care of herself.  I thought to myself as I sat there, "I have been too lazy.  I don't want to be this lady."

Back in January I left my job of the last 6+ years to work from my Mother-in-law to help her at Pine Lodge at Rivermist Labradoodles (shameless plug)!  This enables me to have Johanna with me all the time, as well as work either at my in-laws or at home.  I realized this would mean that I would have a flexible schedule which would allow me to do the things I have been wanting to do, but haven't had the time or energy to do.  Like plant a garden, and completely reorganize my entire house.  Maybe make a quilt, and make fantastic home-cooked meals every night for dinner.  I am going to read my scriptures everyday alone and with Johanna, as well as having morning and evening family prayer.  While I haven't been completely unsuccessful, I haven't been successful.  My yard still looks like it hasn't been cared for in years, my garden is covered in weeds.  My house looks like a bomb went off in it.  Why?  Because I have been lazy.  Now I have made some meals, and picked up here and there, but I am not happy with my progress.  I tell myself it is because I am too busy still to take care of these things, but that isn't true.

So where do I go from here?  Where do I start?  I am going to start where I am.  I am going to do an inventory of what I want to do, and what is most important.  Then I will figure out how to do it.  The only thing holding me back is me.

I am going to pretend I am brave, and embark on another journey of self-discovery.  I have this idea that has brought radiance to my life.  

Once again clothes have been the catalyst to spark change.  But the change is not only so I can find clothes and buy them.   Although that would be wonderful.  I am making over my life for me.

Getting Really Real

A couple of people have asked if I will be going back to Weight Watchers.  Well I went back... a month ago.  I started strong, and then failed...miserably.  I can give you all sorts of reasons why I stumbled, but the truth is I let myself fail.  I didn't intend on succeeding.

I walked into my first meeting back thinking that something would inspire me and I would just naturally fall back into my old habits and routine.  I am not the same person I was before getting pregnant though.  My whole world is centered around my little princess.  And with looks like these who wouldn't be completely obsessed.

But pretending that it is okay to let myself go in order to "take care" of my baby is just not true.  Just like my body needed me to get healthier and lose weight in order to become pregnant, my newborn needs me to care for my body so I can provide healthy nourishment, and energy to play with her.  By not taking care of myself I let her down.  Now I am not going to dwell on this, and let the new mom guilt kick in too hard, but I am going to learn from my mistake.

I told myself that I could eat unhealthy because I am nursing and I would burn off the extra calories.  The irony is that WW makes allowances for nursing moms, and already added in extra points.  I told myself I was too tired to worry about making food for me, and it was easier to just grab whatever was handy.  This usually meant something unhealthy that would make my body feel robbed of necessary nutrients and energy.  I told myself that I did not have time to think about or worry about my food because Johanna needs me every waking (and sleeping) moment, so I better not tie myself up in the kitchen making a healthy meal.  Well all of these things are crap.  Really.  Even the last point.  It is okay to put the baby down for a minute and make myself something healthy.  Even if she gets a little fussy, she will survive for a minute while I take care of myself so I can better take care of her.

The other night I had a dream of a few years in the future.  Johanna was a toddler with a lot of energy and enthusiasm for life.  I can't remember what I looked like or what shape my body was in, I just remember wanting to keep up with her.

I decided to start fresh and go back to the things that helped me before.  I am tracking what I eat.  I am making time for me.  I am planning meals.  I am blogging.  Honestly, I thought this was going to be easy.  It isn't.  I am fighting cravings for sweets and chocolate.  I could go for almost anything deep fried.  But I want to be healthy more than I want to eat cheesecake.  I will make the hard choices one choice at a time.  I will do it for me, so I can be who I need to be for her.

Our little bundle has arrived!

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had posted.  It has been too long.  I guess the third trimester and the time since she was born just flew.  Here is the story of her birth.  It was a miracle.

My blood pressure had been great my whole pregnancy until week 36.  It started to creep up, so the doctor scheduled my induction for the 37th week.  I checked in early on October 10th, and started with the induction process.  After 48 long frustrating hours she had not dropped, my water had not broke, and I was not really even dilated a little.  So they sent me home with instructions to pay attention to any warning signs of preeclampsia.  They also scheduled a second attempt the following

My parents had arrived the evening of the 9th, so they stayed at the house all weekend when we were in the hospital.  My mom was a saint and cleaned my house, and helped with some of the items on my to do list.  They stayed the next week with us (actually they stayed a whole month) and helped me work on the nursery and organize my house before the baby came.

On Friday the 18th we went out to dinner with my parents and smiled as we told each other that the next time we saw each other there would be a baby.  On the way to the hospital my water broke (ironic, right?), but I thought I might have just peed myself a little bit.  Once I was checked into the hospital they hooked me up to all the monitors and then they told me my water had broke.  She was sitting really high (and transverse) so they had me get an ultrasound to see exactly where she was.  Once they confirmed her location they started the medications to induce me.  We kept having a hard time keeping the monitor in the right location, and we were getting weird readings on the baby heartrate monitor.  They called the doctor, and she said to stop all medications for induction and that she would be by in the morning.  When she came by she told me that the baby was not in distress, but she could become that way.  We needed to make a decision, and in her opinion the c-section was the best option.  Once everyone was on the same page we immediately went into the Operating Room, and prepared for the c-section.  When they had me open they realized what the issue we were seeing on the monitor - the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck three times.  She also had meconium.  When she came out she was breathing, but not well.  The pediatrician immediately took her and worked on helping her get some air.  Right before he was going to intubate she started breath better on her own.  I had been nervous to look at her.  She didn't cry when she came out, and I was scared.  When I started to hear her little cry I was so thankful.  Beau pulled the curtain out of the way enough that I could see my little miracle.  The nurse brought her over and laid her right next to my head and I was able to kiss her.  I have never felt so blessed.

Johanna Joie was born on October 18th at 11:49 am.  She weighed 7 lbs 15 ounces and was 20.5 inches long.

Both of us recovered very well from the c-section and birth.  She is a happy and healthy little baby.  We just love her so much.  Everyday I almost have to pinch myself to believe how much I love her.

Johanna with Grandma.

Just after she was born.

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Johanna with her great Grandma (Yaya)

The Hardest Part of Pregnancy

The last week I have been doing some thinking about pregnancy.  I have several friends who are expecting and sharing their woes.  It is easy to get caught up in the cries of swollen ankles, morning sickness, hormones, headaches that cannot be healed through medicine, heartburn, etc.  The list really goes on an on.  I had a friend post the question on Facebook, "What was/is your biggest issue during pregnancy."  This really got me thinking.  What is my biggest issue with pregnancy?

I first considered the time I thought I was miscarrying.  I have never been so scared in my life.  I had spent so much time wondering if I was ready for this little miracle, that I didn't realize how attached and how much I was truly in love.  I didn't want to lose my baby.  Through tears and worry I cried to my Father in Heaven pleading with Him that everything would be okay.  When the doctor confirmed there was no immediate danger to the baby I was overjoyed and knew that this little one was already a part of my life and family.  I would do everything I could to be the best mommy I can.

Next I considered morning sickness and the allergies that caused ridiculous headaches that I could not take anything helpful to find relief.  I hate throwing up.  I hate it.  In fact I would say it is one of the worst things in the world.  Especially since when I puke my face often will swell, and blood vessels burst around my eyes and face which leaves me looking like the loch ness monster or worse. Also the headaches from my allergies left me unable to sleep and kept me in a state of total discomfort and distress.  I think that was mostly due to my hormones and lack of appropriate coping skills.

Finally I considered the exhaustion.  Never in my whole life have I been so tired.  I can sleep for hours and still feel exhausted in the morning.  This may have something to do with waking up all night to go to the bathroom.

Then I realized what the biggest issue I have ever faced regarding pregnancy.  It was waiting 6 years to get pregnant.  The truth is that I may not always feel great, but then I feel her little kicks and all discomfort seems unimportant.  So what if I am tired, I can feel her little hiccups and I know that there is life inside of me.  So I have puked more in the last 6 months than I probably have in my whole life, I have been able to hear her heartbeat and see her move in an ultrasound.  The truth is no problem that I have faced in pregnancy that is worse that wishing, hoping, praying, and waiting for this time in my life.  I may not always be gracious about how I am feeling, but I always come back to how blessed I am.  I do not know why Beau and I had to wait so long.  Maybe I never will, but I do know that I have experienced no greater joy than what I have had during these last 6 months.  The look on Beau's face when I told him that the test was positive, and that he was going to be a daddy.  The ultrasound that confirmed the life inside of me was growing and had a heartbeat.  When we could really see her outline and found out our little one was a princess.  Sharing an ultrasound visit with my mom and dad where they were able to hear her heartbeat and see her move around.  The look on Beau's face the first time he heard her move around in my belly, or saw and felt her kick.  Being able to share with family and friends that we are expecting.  So many moments of pure bliss make every other slightly uncomfortable part of pregnancy seem insignificant and unimportant.

I would not trade one moment - good or bad.  This has been such a choice experience, and I feel so blessed to be carrying this little one.

Growing a Baby

These last few months of pregnancy has brought many changes to my life.  Some things have been for the better, and some have provided opportunities to learn and grow.

The reason we even discovered that we were expecting was because I was so short tempered and well down right mean that one of the theories to my attitude was hormones.  I figured it was just that time of the month, but I was late and Beau thought that our marriage might be over.  So I took a leap of faith and took the test.  What joy and terror was felt as the realization that our lives would never be the same again.  For years I have felt confident in my ability to be a mother, and I wanted so bad to be pregnant that it hurt.  Then I see the affirmation of the miracle inside of me and in comes the floods of doubt and fear.  Can I do this?  Will I be a good mom?  I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready, but is anyone really?

I have already written about the food and dietary changes.  I have not made all of the changes they suggested, but I have not gained additional weight (since the initial increase) so I feel confident that whatever I am doing is working fine.  I have spoken of other health concerns on my blog before.  High blood pressure, insulin resistance, heart murmur, to mention a few (besides the fact that I am morbidly obese).  Due to these circumstances I have had the opportunity to meet with specialists and experience extra testing.  Each time the tests have been performed I have found myself turning to the only thing that has remained constant.  My faith.  Each time an ultrasound was hard to read (I wasn't far enough along, but we didn't know that at the time), or my OB would listen and not find the heartbeat, I would pray and feel the comfort of a loving Father.  This has been an excellent lesson in faith and love.

These struggles with health and hormones have also provided Beau and I the necessity to be open and honest about fears with each other.  We have always worked hard to keep the lines of communication open.  In fact I feel that we speak more frankly to each other due to Beau's inability to read facial expressions and implied meanings.  With this pregnancy and many different unknowns and worries I have worked with Beau to discuss the struggles and find strength in his support and help.  There have been moments that his worries have gotten the best of him, and I have been able to calm his fears.  This brings me to my next thought.

Being pregnant changes the way I think.  Carrying Beau's baby makes me love him more.  I feel so much love and devotion for this little peanut and my whole way of thinking about life and family has changed.  We had a real scare a few weeks ago.  We thought we were going to lose the baby.  I realized that I would do anything for my baby.  Then fears of what could happen to the baby even after birth started to worry me.  Faith is what carries me through though.  I put my trust in the fact that all of this is not under my control, and I just need to keep doing what I can to help carry and raise this child.  I cannot see the future, and I chose to not dread it.

I celebrated my first mother's day this year.  Beau was so sweet and surprised me with a crib.  He set it all up, washed the bedding in baby detergent and everything.  He asked if he did okay.  I told him that as a pre-mothers day gift it was great, but next year I expect something different.  I love how thoughtful he is.  He got the style crib that I like, and told me it is okay if I use different bedding.  I will be changing the bedding, but the presentation would not have been complete without it.

In case you can't tell it is Safari themed.

All in all this pregnancy has been wonderful.  I have definitely had my moments of morning sickness, but I can't complain too much.  I have friends who have been much more sick, so I am counting my blessings.  In a few weeks we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl.  I am just getting excited to meet the little one.  I am still unsure what I am going to do once this baby comes, but I am really excited to learn and love this little one.