Reflections

Today is the first day after the completion of my 24 Day Challenge.  I have made some great discoveries about myself, and about this process.   I thought I would share.

I have been asked what I am doing to lose the weight, and what was my 24 Day Challenge.  I was introduced to the 24 day challenge by my sister in law, Tiffany. It is a program created by AdvoCare.  Basically you start the challenge with an herbal cleanse, and then finish with supplements designed to help you trim your body.  There is a suggested diet to follow that will aid in your success.  I do not believe in diet pills.  I have had friends and family members take them, and I have watched as they experienced temporary weight loss at the cost of jitters, caffeine highs, and in some cases altered health (can anyone say Fen Phen?).  When I first heard about this challenge I thought it was stupid.  First of all, AdvoCare is an MLM (multi level marketing) company, and that does not interest me in becoming involved.  Also, it is a spendy program.  The initial challenge costs $200 for the basic kit, and more as you add in all the extra supplements to help aid the process.What changed my mind was the fact that doing nothing to help my situation wasn't improving my outlook, and I knew that I would have a support team if I chose to try the challenge.  So, I embarked on this path.  I made the investment, and planned some meals.  I don't think that this is the only answer to weight loss, but it has helped me jump start my journey.  Between a balanced diet (calorie counting on MyFitnessPal.com), and taking these supplements I have lost 16.6 pounds in the last 24 days.

Beau has asked me what my plan is now that the challenge is over.  Will I continue to buy the supplements and other AdvoCare supporting products?  While I do think they are helpful, and they made me feel better overall (my back doesn't hurt as much as it normally does and I have a lot more energy), I have decided to not continue taking them.  The reason for this is I want to know if the improvements I have experienced can only be attributed to the supplements or the change in diet.  I made a lot of changes in a short period of time and I want to know where to attribute my success.

I have decided that I want to go back to Weight Watchers.  I have done the Weight Watchers program in the past and have been very successful.  The reason I am choosing Weight Watchers is for several reasons.  First, I need to have a program that allows for life to happen.  While on the challenge I ended up traveling, going to family events, celebrating birthdays, etc.  I need an eating plan where I am allowed to celebrate and not feel like I have completely fallen off the bandwagon.  Another important reason I am choosing Weight Watchers is because there is more to food than calories.  Weight Watchers looks at the protein, carbs, fat, and fiber content of the document which is very important as well.  I also really like the community that Weight Watchers gives me.  Attending the meetings gives me support, and that is something that I really need.  While Beau is so supportive of me getting healthier, he is not ready to take the same steps.  While he is a great support, I need to surround myself with people that understand what I am going through, and I will get that at my meetings.  I could also say that Weight Watchers is a more affordable option to purchasing the supplements, but that isn't really why I am choosing this option. The truth is I would pay the money if I felt that the supplements were necessary to my success.  I won't say that I won't ever take them again, I am just going to take a break (maybe temporary or permanent) while I transition to Weight Watchers (I could do both if I wanted).

I have learned some other important lessons in the last several weeks.  I do not love drinking my meals.  I like having the option of drinking a shake in the morning when I am rushed and do not have time to pack or make breakfast, but I really like eating my food.  I really like salad.  There is so much you can do to a bed of lettuce it is ridiculous.  I like brown rice and quinoa.  They are so yummy, and great alternatives to white rice.  Sometimes it is really helpful to drink a diet root beer when I really want something sweet and yummy.  You can eat pizza and cake and fish fries and still lose weight - just don't do it everyday and monitor your portions carefully and plan ahead.  You may still struggle everyday with wanting to eat more than you should, but that's okay.  It is okay to have temptations nagging at you.  Don't give up.  Sometimes I have to take things minute by minute in order to make it through.  Don't be afraid to tell the people you love that you need them.  There have been several times that I have looked at Beau and said that I needed a hug or a kind word.  The people that care about you want you to succeed.  I have also learned that it is okay to stand up and say no.  No that doesn't work for me, no I do not want to take leftovers home, no I do not need to finish my plate.  I also learned that Izzie doesn't care how fast or slow we walk.  She is just so happy to help me get moving!

Izzie is waiting to go on a walk!

I never intended to blog about this as I go, but then I found that talking about my struggles actually helped me.  I am really humbled that people read my ramblings.  I do not feel that I am a great writer, and often laugh at the amount of typos that make it on the page.  Thanks for listening...again.

Why

Since I have started thinking about this important journey, I have been considering why doing this is so vitally important.  There are the obvious health and quality of life improvements, but there are specific reasons why I must change.  I am going to document these things so when I struggle I can remember what is important.

The first reason I am making this change is because I want to be a mom.  Before Beau and I were married I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome).  My doctor told me that this would make getting pregnant more difficult since my ovulation is irregular.  The cause is most likely my weight.  After being married for a year, Beau and I decided we were ready to start trying to become parents.  We just hoped that things would happen naturally, and after one year of nothing, I asked the doctor what he thought.  He told me there are things we can do to increase the chance of getting pregnant, but he was uncomfortable with recommending them for me since any pregnancy I had would be high risk due to my size.  I accepted this information, and moved forward.  I kept saying that a child would come when it was time, and yet we still waited.  Then I graduated from school, and still no baby.  Then we moved to Oregon, and still no baby.  After being married for  five years, and trying for four to become parents, I started taking medicine that would increase my ability to conceive.  All it did was increase my irritability and introduced me to the wonderful world of hot flashes.  I can honestly say that I hope I don't experience menopause any time soon.  Since we have moved to Oregon I have been able to spend a lot more time with my nieces and nephews.  Being around them has made my desire to be a mother even greater.  I finally came to terms with the fact that my size is preventing me from becoming a mommy.  I acknowledge that there are more ways to become a mom than to get pregnant, but I want to experience the whole thing.  I am not ready to adopt.  Each day that I work hard to eat healthy and make better choices, I am getting myself one step closer to preparing my body for motherhood.  I do understand that there is a chance that losing the weight will not increase my fertility, but I won't know until I try.  That is why this is my first reason.

Another reason that I want to live a more healthy life is so that I can experience the world.  When I decide to go clothes shopping, I cannot go just anywhere.  I can only shop in select stores.  Many shoes don't fit my wide feet, so I often times have to shop online or special order shoes to fit.  Sitting at a restaurant can be embarrassing since I don't typically fit in the booths.  Flying is embarrassing since I am too close to the person next to me, and I have to get a seat belt extension to be able to buckle my belt.  While we are on the topic of seat belts, let me also mention that in many cars I cannot fasten mine because they are long enough to reach across my large torso.  When we go anywhere that I have to sit down I choose to stand if I am not sure that the furniture will be able to support my weight.  In fact we have invested in too many camp chairs for that exact reason.  I will not sit in anyone else camp chair for fear that I will break it to pieces.  I can't sit in many chairs that have arms because my hips are too wide, and if I do fit I will often get stuck trying to get out of them.  Driving some cars is impossible because my belly gets in the way of the steering wheel.  My point is, I cannot go anywhere or do anything without worrying that my weight is going to impend my ability to interact normally with others.

I have already experienced an impact to my health due to my excessive weight.  I have been on medication for high blood pressure and insulin resistance for years.  I have a heart murmur and an irregular heart beat.  I have real water retention issues, and joint pain.  I am 28 years old, but I am on several prescriptions for self induced health problems.  I hate taking pills.  I hate having to worry about filling prescriptions and not missing a dose of medication.  I am too young for this.  Not to mention that if this is already started then I will have many years of reduced health if I do not make the necessary changes.  I want to run.  I want to hike, and swim, and bike without running out of breath, or experiencing major pain from my already overstressed joints.  I want to be healthy and feel healthy.

I was warned at a young age that overweight people, especially women, will never progress professionally because others will perceive their weight as a general laziness and lack of ability.  Whether this is true or not, this message has always been one that I have had as a nagging worry in the back in my head.  I never want to go into an interview or meeting and question whether others in the room question my ability based on my weight.  I want to be able to have the confidence in knowing that my exterior is representing my interior.

The one thing I do not want to change is my relationship with Beau.  I love him so much, and I know these changes are scary.  He has only ever known me as a bigger girl.  My life will change as I lose weight.  I am going to make sure that our relationship doesn't dwindle with the pounds, but in fact increases as I conquer this challenge.

This is Beau and I a year ago in Idaho.  Our lives have changed so much since this picture.  The woman in this picture had no idea what was coming.  We have survived job changes, moving, graduation, loss of a loved one, and much more.  He tells me that he doesn't know what he would do without me, but I think I would be completely lost without him!

Grieving

Everyone experiences loss in their life. Loss of a loved one or friend.  Sometimes that loss is innocence or courage.  I was once told that when a person who has an addiction gives up their drug of choice they experience the grieving process.  I laughed in their face as they compared me to a cocaine or meth addict.  This man even made the comparison to a porn addict.  Excuse me.  I am not an addict.  I have never had one sip of alcohol or puff of a cigarette.  The only time in my entire life I happened to see porn was when I was a freshman in high school.  I wanted to look up Britney Spears website, and spelled her name wrong.  Who would have thought that one misspelled name could evoke so much terror in a teenager.  I was offended that I was being classified in this demeaning and degrading way.  When you consider the definition of addiction though, it is hard to argue.

According to Psychology Today, "Addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance (alcohol, cocaine, nicotine) or engages in an activity (gambling) that can be pleasurable but the continued use of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life responsibilities, such as work or relationships, or health. Users may not be aware that their behavior is out of control and causing problems for themselves and others."

Now the food that I love and crave so much is a substance which has become compulsive and interferes with ordinary life.  I can acknowledge my addiction.  This means that I have moved past the first stage of Grieving: Denial.  As long as I convinced myself that I didn't have an unhealthy addiction I could continue the charade of my "happy" life.  As I move through this journey I experience the other stages of grief:  anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I move through each of these areas.  Sometimes I do this daily.

Today they were taking pictures at work.  We were asked to dress in business attire, and be ready to take a picture that will be used in our online profile for Outlook.  I was a little annoyed by the picture.  I didn't want to take one.  But I also knew I couldn't get out of it.  As the picture day grew closer I experienced so many feelings.  I was a grump.  Beau told me I was acting a little off, and he was totally right.  I was anxious and nervous.  All over having to have my picture taken.  Why is a picture so scary?  It is proof that I what I am.  No amount of sucking in my gut, or flashing my pearly whites is going to cover up years of this compulsion that has interfered with my ordinary life.  As I struggled with the idea of giving up my addiction, changing my habits and lifestyle, and correcting my path I have tried to return to my comfortable stage of denial.  But I can't.  This makes me so angry.  I am angry at myself.  I am angry at the mirror and the camera.  I am so angry at cupcakes, ice cream, and bread.  Then comes the bargaining.  Well if this picture is already going to prove that i have made mistakes then I am going to eat my came and be happy.  It is just one piece of cake, or an ice cream cone. Perhaps it will be okay if I eat a dozen cookies washed away with creamy whole milk.  Then enters the depression.  The knowledge that the cookie cannot enter my mouth, and the cake will throw off my whole day of good eating.  I hurt.  I am broken.  I can't do this.  I believe acceptance in the hardest part.  I am not there yet - at least not on a sustainable basis or for long periods of time.  I continue to move through the each of these stages.  I bounce around.  I appreciate the moments of clarity that the little voice inside says "Yes, you can."  Sometimes the voice is as small as the tiniest whisper, but the fact that the voice is still there is a comfort.

 I am frustrated that I still find making good choices hard.  I wish that I would wake up and my old mindset and thought pattern would be corrected.  However, this life's purpose is to learn and gain experience.  This is really hard, and I am constantly having to check myself and correct my course.  There are going to be many more bumps.  There will be much more grieving.  But today I am succeeding.  Today I came out on top.  I had my picture taken, and I survived.  Next time I have my picture taken I will be smaller.  I will show the fruits of this ridiculously hard labor.  I will be able to have proof that I am getting better.  Today I was amazing.  Tomorrow I can do it again.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.”

--Mary Anne Radmacher

Focus

Staying focused is hard.  Yesterday I started my day perfectly, and then I had two lunch meetings, and was starving by 2:30 when I could finally have lunch.  The thought ran through my head, "I have tortilla chips and cheese.  I could have nachos."  Ugh, I wish that I could blink and my brain would be reprogrammed.  So I patiently waited for my quinoa to cook and had a strange combination of quinoa (complex carb), cottage cheese (protein), and sliced tomato.  I must have been starving because that was an extremely satisfying lunch.  I was so glad to have food in my tummy.

I stepped on the scale this morning and am down another pound.  Do a happy dance! I am really noticing a change in my energy levels.  Normally by 9:00 PM I am falling asleep in my chair.  Last night at 8:00 PM I decided I wanted to get out of the house, so we went to my in laws hot tub.  I NEVER do stuff like that.  I am a homebody especially when it comes to putting on a swimming suit.  It is nice to have energy left at the end of the day.

I went for a walk on Wednesday with my sister in law, Tiffany and her 2 girls and dog.  I wasn't dying by the time we made it to the park, and my back wasn't going to fall off.  Normally I am drenched in sweat from trying to combat the pain from my back and trying to keep up with my companions. Now the girls did run home (I refrained...), but I felt like a really accomplished something.  I went for a walk after work.  I didn't just stay sedentary on the couch.  THIS IS HUGE!!  Tiffany - thanks for encouraging me to get moving!

I am really proud of my husband through all of this.  He is really trying to be a support to me.  For those of you who know Beau know that he is a picky eater.  In fact he considers himself a "meatarian" because he is against the cruel ways that vegetables are harvested.  No really.  These are the hilarious things that come out of his mouth.  He could live off of bacon cheeseburgers and chicken strips if I let him.  I was really nervous that he would not be very supportive of my changes because of how they would impact him, but he has been great!  He hasn't complained about all the fruits and veggies in the house, or the fact that I haven't baked one cookie in a few weeks.  He has even chosen to skip dessert so I don't have to feel sad about missing out.  Now I won't say that he doesn't have his moments of weakness or despair at the healthy changes in our home, but he is really trying to be supportive.  Last night when I told him I wanted to go out he was shocked and elated that I wasn't being a homebody.  He has been vocal about his enthusiasm for my success.  He is not ready to commit to his own personal change right now, but that is okay because he is committed to supporting me through my change.  No, he hasn't asked me to do this.  In fact he has told me on more than one occasion that he loves me just the way I am.  But he knows that I am not happy with the way things are, so he is doing everything he can to help me.  I love this guy so much!

I think we make a pretty cute couple!  This picture was taken a month ago at our family reunion.  It is really hard to get a natural picture with both of us smiling, but this one worked!  I feel so blessed to be married to such an amazing man.   I have loved every minute of the last 6 years, and look forward to forever!

Excuses

Since I have gotten home from Utah I have become the "Excuse Queen."  I have in fact been avoiding another post because how do I admit to faltering.  I could tell you why I have allowed myself a set back, but all I can think of this guy I used to work with and what he used to say about excuses.  Sorry this is vulgar, but:

Excuses are like butt holes.  We all got 'em and they all stink!

I called my mom on Monday and had my pity party.  I lamented over the Oregon rain and the cold outside.  I complained about my commute and only having one car.  I whined about wanting a bigger house with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.  My mom attempted to console me, and then finally told me to snap out of it.  It doesn't matter what I have or what is going on in my life.  The choice to be happy now is my choice.  I live in Oregon - it is going to rain... a lot!  I may only have one car, but I do not have a car payment!  I may have a small house, but I also pay less rent because of my small home.  Life is good.  Enjoy the Journey.  Stop whining and making excuses!

So here comes the confession:

I have not been planing meals since I got home, and have not been careful.  It is very important for me to define a plan and stick to it because once I start allowing for "treats" it is a slippery slope to totally giving up.  Been there. Done that.  I don't need the T-shirt!  So no more moon pies, pizza, chalupas, or ice cream.  I am going to plan out my meals, and go back to wholesome food choices.  Set backs are allowed if I learn something from them.  I have taken what I needed out of this one, and am ready to press forward.  Fortunately this set back was just 1 pound increase.  I have lost a total of 11 pounds (I know I need to stop stepping on the scale!!).

I am excited because I think I am ready to add in exercise.  I am "storing" my in laws elliptical machine in my home office, and I look at it everyday collecting dust.  I actually really enjoy the elliptical (most days).  It is easy on my knees and is kind of fun with some good music.

As I sit here writing this post, Florence + the Machine's "Shake it Out" came on, and I think lyrics explain how I am feeling.

Shake it out, shake it out,
shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out,
shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

I may be down, but I am not out.  I am present.  I am pressing forward.  I am moving on.  I am shaking it out!

Struggling

I am happy to be home again.  This week was one of the most difficult I have had in a long time.  I kept asking myself over and over again why I started my life change.  Too many times I just wanted to cover my troubles in chocolate and whip cream.  Often times in the past going out of town has been my undoing in a weight loss attempt.  Adding in a lot of family the loss of my Grandpa this was truly a recipe for disaster.  I told myself to take things one step at a time.  So, I did.

Monday we flew to Salt Lake City, Utah.  I ate well in the morning, and drank my water.  Our flight was at 6:30 at night, so I figured I would get dinner at the airport.  Going out to eat is still a struggle, so when all I could find was hamburgers and pastries, I opted for a snack instead of a meal.  I enjoyed oatmeal at 5:00 PM.  We boarded the plane, and I felt that I was off to the right start.  When we landed we were picked up by my cousin's husband, and I realized that I was starving.  My cousin offered me Pizza or Hummus with a Pita and baby carrots.  It was the perfect late dinner.  I have never been so happy to see a baby carrot in my life.  Monday finished well. 

Tuesday morning we took a train to Provo, and then spent the morning at my Grandma's house.  My sister needed a skirt for the funeral, so we went to the mall to search for the perfect skirt.  We had lunch in the University Mall's food court.  They had a Chick Fil A which I have missed since moving from Idaho last year.  I wanted a chicken sandwich with those wonderful waffle fries, but I had a yummy Market Salad instead with grilled chicken.  Dinner was going to be a birthday party for my mom.  Pizza and cake.  Panic!!  I limited myself to one slice of combination pizza, and a 2 heaping servings of salad.  My aunt grew most of the salad ingredients in her garden, and they tasted wonderful.  So much better than what you can buy in the grocery store.  I had been careful with my calories, so I indulged and ate a piece of Costco sheet cake.  I am a sucker for sheet cake.  It was yummy, but I realized I really only needed a couple of bites, and should have stopped there.  I still ended the day within calorie range.

Wednesday I didn't manage to eat breakfast.  The family was having donuts, and I just was too nervous to give in and start my day that way.  We went to Wendy's and I enjoyed a salad with grilled chicken.  Wendy's Grilled chicken is pretty tasty.  I have to admit. Dinner we went to Cracker Barrel.  Again, gasp!  I love Cracker Barrel's mac and cheese and fried okra, and fried apples, and a biscuits.  To my relief (thank you Kris for helping keep me focused) they have a new "Wholesome Fixins" menu that are meals all under 600 calories.  I enjoyed fish with grits and steamed broccoli.  I also ordered a salad.  I gave in at the end and shared a piece of cake with my sister.  But I didn't exceed my recommended caloric intake for the day, so I felt like I won.  Unfortunately two days of cake made being bad on Thursday really easy.

Thursday was the funeral.  Again, I skipped breakfast, and by the time we made it to the luncheon prepared for the family after the funeral I was over hungry.  I had cheesy potatoes.  I kept my portion sizes in check, but when we had leftovers for dinner my resolve was gone.  I ate my feelings.  Heaping piles of cheesy potatoes and fruit salads full of sugar and creamy goodness.  I ate Pumpkin Cake, and rolls.  In fact at the end of the day I was 1344 calories over my suggested intake.  I was so disappointed in myself, but I recorded every bite.  I held myself accountable.

Friday started well.  I ate my breakfast shake and lunch was a yummy turkey salad at Kneaders.  I am jealous of anyone who has this restaurant near them.  It is awesome!!  Dinner was our anniversary celebration.  Beau and I have been married for 6 years tomorrow, and we wanted to celebrate this joyous occasion (I love that man so much)!  I wanted Chinese and Beau wanted Pizza, so we ordered Pizza.  I am a carboholic!  I love bread!  I had Breadsticks and pizza.  But I stopped myself from eating everything in front of me and ended the day with 528 extra calories.

This morning I was worried with having had the last two days go over on calories, but I stuck to the plan and as of 5:00 PM I am still on track.  I did weigh myself, and I gained four pounds.  Of course I weighed myself at 4:00 PM after drinking water, and eating today; (I usually weigh myself first thing in the morning) not to mention water retention from traveling, I don't feel too bad.  I will weigh myself in the morning again to truly access the damage.

Overall, I survived two really hard things (a funeral and traveling) while still figuring out this lifestyle change and I feel proud.  Obviously I did not do perfectly, but I didn't completely give up on myself either.  I tracked every speed bump in my journey, so I can learn from my mistakes.  Since this is a lifestyle change I have to understand that life happens.  When I experience struggles I just need to get up and dust myself off.  I also need to realize the things I did right.  I ate out every day this week, and was able to make good decisions (as well as I know where I can work next time).  Interestingly I found that the food didn't make me feel better, instead it made me feel worse.  Eating food to mask feelings and hide fears doesn't work. 

The struggle isn't over.  There will always be a reason to give up on the plan.  There will always be some trial to smother with caramel and chocolate.  That is why I shouldn't.  I need to deal with my feelings.  It is okay to experience heart break, and hurt.  It is even okay to cry.  The truth at the end of the day is no amount of cake will make me miss my grandpa less, but it will make me feel bad about myself.  It is not medicine.  I don't need to take it.