What Failure Looks Like

Since I have tried to improve my health and eating habits, I have faced every day as it began: a battle.  Perhaps that is why I feel so fragile about sharing my journey.  I don't feel like I am succeeding.  I feel like I am failing every day.  How can I still be struggling so hard after doing this since September?  Some person (like the reference?!?) once told me that it takes 3 weeks to make a change into a habit.  Well we are far past the 3 week mark.  I guess it is habit to look for the right foods, and eat the right things, but I still think of the things that will take me away from success first.

I feel like a failure every time a craving surfaces and I dream, yes dream of creamy chocolate ice cream, candy bars, or cake.  I fantasize about biting into something completely indulgent or decadent and wish that I could.  Even simple things like top ramen or macaroni and cheese seem so deliriously delicious that they are hard to pass up.  Ridiculous!  Why am I so tempted by such crap?

To add insult to injury I gained 1.8 pounds last week and I can't really say where it came from other than maybe I was retaining water because of a salty dinner the night before.  I seriously wanted to put up my white flag in defeat!

Now don't get me wrong.  I have lost weight.  I am down 26.4 pounds.  It feels so good (when I am not falling apart at the thought of sugar and butter and carbs).  My clothes are much looser, and some even are not staying on very well.  My belly doesn't rub on the steering wheel when I drive.  I have more energy to play with my daughter. These are all good and positive things, but these battles are really exhausting and I fear I am not up to the task.

I try to take each day one by one.  Each meal one by one.  I try to focus on my triumphs and overlook the rest, but I am human and it is hard.

This morning one of my friends posted a video where a woman told her story.  She had been divorced and left with her 2 or 3 kids.  They all slept together in one bedroom, and she slept on the floor because she couldn't afford a bed.  She was given the opportunity to go to a therapist.  In her appointment she told the therapist that she used to be a good mom who made her kids homemade meals and spent a lot of time playing with them and taking them to the park and such.  She explained now she fed her kids processed food, and they spent the day in front of the TV as she went alone to her bedroom to cry away from their view.  The therapist looked at her and told her she was a great mom.  She kept her kids fed and nourished even though she hardly had the energy to take care of herself, and she kept them happy watching cartoons while she shielded them from her tears.  The therapist told her to look at the whole situation with its struggles and how well she was rising to the occasion to help her family.  Her message: you are doing better than you think or are giving yourself credit.

So what can I learn?  I am doing better than I think.  I am working to better myself for my own benefit, and the benefit of my family.  The work I am doing now is worthwhile as long as I keep trying to do better.  I have a full plate.  It is okay to recognize that my life is full and stressful and stress is my number one food trigger.  So even if the cravings are coming, it is okay.  As long as I keep trying, and eating what I know is the better option.  I also need to cut myself some slack and remember that setbacks will happen, but they are part of the process and I must not lose hope.

A woman at my church heard I was going to Weight Watchers, and she told me that it took her 5 years to get the weight off, but she never put it back on again.  So the process may seem slow, but I am making progress. Even if it takes me 5 years, I know that I am 26.4 pounds closer to goal.

Some thoughts for today...

It's Personal this Time

The last time I was on this journey I felt so free about sharing my every thought about the process.  Good or bad I let it all hang out, and it was freeing.  This time I feel inhibited.  I don't know why everything seems so personal this time.

Maybe it is because I feel like I am constantly fighting the urge to go and binge my way through Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  Maybe it is because I am fearful that I will fail and there is so much at stake.  Maybe because I am a mom now, and the worries of pre-mommy me seem like a cake walk in comparison to my worries now.  Or maybe I am more sensitive about what others think/say about me.  What I do know is that I am down 21.2 pounds as of Tuesday.

 

Can you see the difference?  Me neither, lol!  But I am moving a lot easier, and I feel better.  So I guess I am still winning.  Here is my first picture for comparison.

Johanna turned 2 last week, and my family came in to town from California.  We had a wonderful weekend despite having to cancel Johanna's birthday celebration and party a little less hearty since she had a fever all weekend and a virus.  She is finally feeling better, so I have some pictures to share of her Birthday Dinner with my family.

She sang "Happy Birthday" to herself!

Daddy helped her blow out the candle.

And proved it is always a good time to eat cake and ice cream (even if your sick)!

Why I put on makeup and did my hair.

Yesterday I celebrated my ninth wedding anniversary.  I could put on my rose colored glasses and tell you they have been the best and easiest nine years of my life.  I would be lying.  Marriage is by far the most difficult endeavor I have ever pursued.  Not because I am married to a bad person.  Beau is a truly loving and giving husband.  He does his very best to show love to our daughter and me.  But that doesn't mean that being married has been a fairy tale.  We have had our fair share of trials through money and employment hardships.  We have stuck together through difficult times both mentally and physically.  If we were different people there are many times one or both of us might have thrown in the towel.  But we have worked through our struggles, and still try to see the best in each other.  I am not perfect, but I am getting a little better everyday... hopefully!

Why do I admit to this the day after my anniversary?  Because I was told that marriage would be the absolute best and most magical thing that will ever happen in my life.  That finding my Prince Charming meant that we would live happily ever after.  I can't say that we have been happily ever after, but I can say that we are stronger and love each more now then we did when we were first married.  So there are days that we struggle.  There are days that we drive each other absolutely insane.  And then there are days like this:

Days that we get to take a break from the hectic routine we call life, and we go to a beautiful restaurant.  When we eat delicious food while we laugh and reflect on the past while looking towards the future.  Days that I decide to stop being overly cautious and tell him to go ahead and make the dinner reservation.  When I choose to do my hair and makeup and put on a dress to show him just how much I love him.  Not because he expects me to look or dress a certain way.  Where he puts on a nice button down shirt that he finds uncomfortable, but he wears it because he knows I think he looks handsome in it. It was a wonderful dinner.

Back to the hair and makeup.  I don't typically spend a lot of time (okay lets be honest - I can't remember the last time I put on makeup, and my hair has been a side braid and bun for months) on either of these two items.  They take a long time, and they don't seem to produce the results that the tutorials on youtube promise.  But I did try to look nicer yesterday, so my husband would know that for him I put in the effort.  That he is worth the effort.  And for me.  So that I would act confident and put together even if I felt otherwise.  Sometimes the best I can do is show up.  So yesterday I showed up.  I put on my best face (no I am not talking about the makeup) and had a wonderful evening.

I don't know when I will put on makeup again.  I think I need new makeup because everything I have is old and getting weird.  Also, the eye makeup makes my eyes get bloodshot and tear up which I believe indicates some type of allergy.  I don't know when I will do my hair again.  Maybe soon,  Maybe not.  People tell me I am the kind of person who doesn't need makeup (whatever that is supposed to mean.  If you can tell I am not wearing makeup then I probably could use some), but I like how it makes me feel to put a little highlight to my eyes or cover up my less than perfect face.  But the point is, I did my hair and makeup for me.  Not because I felt like I had to.

Now let's talk about food.  I decided to allow myself to order something yummy because I was at a nice restaurant with my husband celebrating.  So, I ordered cioppino which I didn't really know what it was, but it was soooo yummy and pretty healthy too.  I indulged in bread and dessert.  When I got home I tracked all of my points.  I was so proud of myself for making the conscious decision to enjoy the evening and not got bogged down with counting and tracking points.  I ate until I was satisfied, but didn't overeat.  When we left I felt happy.  Not overstuffed like I would have normally done, but pleasantly satiated.

Another day on track with Weight Watchers.  Another wonderful memory.  All is well here in the house of Alcorn.

One Week and Counting

I made it through my first complete week on Weight Watchers... Again.  I lost 7.4 pounds.  So happy to be on the downward track again.  The first few weeks are such a mind game when I work to change my habits.  Am I working hard enough?  Is this going to work?  Am I wasting my time and money? AAAhhh!  I hate all of the internal dialog that makes me doubt myself.  Even after I found out I lost 7.4 pounds (which by the way, is as much as a newborn baby) I still felt a little disappointment in myself.  I should have done better.  Why do I have these feeling or let these feelings come out?

The truth is, it is my insecurities and short comings that are rearing their ugly head.  I have to learn how to master the monster that says that I am not enough.  This monster has been chasing me a lot lately.  It has told me I am not a good enough mother, or wife.  It has told me that I am not worthy of friendship or joy.  I could write this off as depression and say I can't do anything about it.  Whether it's in my head, or it's  a chemical imbalance - I still have to conquer the monster.  So to focus on the light inside of me.  The light that says you are enough,  you are a good mom and a good wife, and you are stronger than you think.

So this is what I am striving for.  Not for perfection all at once, but to be a little better everyday.   And some days I may step backwards a little.  And that is okay.  Because tomorrow is a new day full of possibilities.  If this journey to make myself better was only about weight, I wouldn't have a weight problem to begin with.  So I have to tackle and face the monsters that rear their ugly head that make me question my success.  And that's okay.  I may have to fight depression head on, and that's okay.  I can do that.

Whether I am working to better myself or not.  The time will pass.  I only have this day once.

So for today I am going to love on my daughter, I am going to eat healthy and take care of me.  I am going to let my husband tell me I am beautiful and try really hard to see the beauty he sees in me.  I will not let the monster inside tell me if I am good enough or not.  It isn't any of the stupid monster's business anyways.

Finding Peace in Fruit Smoothies and Tuna Fish Sandwiches

Yesterday was different than any other day I have experienced in a weight loss journey.  I discovered that being a mom complicated my progress.  Not because Johanna makes me eat, but because I am the best leftovers - clean up the toddlers plate - mommy you have ever seen.  Waste not, right?  I made her some toast for breakfast, and she didn't eat it all.  I could imagine the yummy goodness of the butter, and then I reminded myself that I didn't need it.  I hadn't gone to the store yet, so I ate a string cheese and an orange.  No incredibly impressive for a meal, but it worked.  Then when lunch rolled around and I was making her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I got the slightest big of peanut butter on my finger.  All I wanted to do was lick it off.  But I didn't.  I washed my hands and fed my daughter.  The left over sandwich was disposed of in the trash before I could give it much thought.  I have a Tuna sandwich, which I thoroughly enjoyed.  The dinner time came.  I went into the kitchen, and it was a mess.  I really couldn't cook anything before I cleaned up.  So I cleaned the kitchen, and then realized I was STARVING!!  Panic set in.  I still hadn't gone grocery shopping.  My options were slim.  I settled on cereal and milk.  I measured out my portion, and survived the temptation to go find something unhealthy.  I made it through the day and went to bed satisfied and proud of myself.  The first day eating healthy is always hard, but I tracked what I ate, and came out on top.

This morning presented a new set of challenges.  I didn't want a string cheese and an orange for breakfast.  So I started scrounging (I really need to goo shopping) and found some frozen fruit and a chocolate smoothie powder mix.  Then I found PB2 and a smoothie was made.  As I was blending it my little helper came in and told me she wanted some too.  So we sat down together and enjoyed my chocolate, peanut butter, strawberry, banana (don't knock it till you try it) concoction.  I think she loved it as much as I did.  It felt a double happy moment.  I had found a breakfast that satisfied and pleased me, and I also was able to share a healthy breakfast with my daughter.  Let's be real.  Both of her parents are, er, big boned, so her chances of having her own struggle with weight is real.  I don't want her to have a fear of appearance issues or anything like that.  We don't talk about that (she isn't even two yet.  No need to introduce body and self image issues!).  I just want to instill good healthy habits into her life now.

So I sit here today.  Post tuna sandwich lunch (yes, I had one again today...) and just feel at peace.  I have a long road ahead, but I have a strong start.  Weight Watchers has a part of their online tools called "Connect" which is like Facebook but only for Weight Watcher members.  I posted the pictures I posted here on my blog, and explained it was my first day.  4,604 Likes and 433 comments later I feel so buoyed up.  I never thought that many people would take an interest in my success and encourage me.  It makes me sad that Facebook can't be more like that.  Imagine if you log into Facebook and all you saw was positivism and encouragement.  Let's just say logging in and seeing all that love renews my faith in humanity again.

I still have fear in the back of my head about this journey.  What if I do what I am supposed to do and still don't lose weight.  What if my body has changed since having Johanna and turning 30, so this is even harder than before.  But I look at those beautiful hazel-brown eyes of my growing daughter, and I know if not for me, then for her, I have to do this.  It should be for me first, but she has a lot to do with it too.  It's funny.  I am not doing it for Beau.  He doesn't need/want me to.  He loves me the way I am.

I think that is enough for today.  See you later.

I did it! One small step for mankind. One giant leap for Joanne!

I made it through the meeting.  I wasn't sure how it was going to be.  Amazingly, I am pretty shy when around new people and places.  On my way there a friend called and asked if I was going to the Weight Watchers meeting (she is already a member) and it felt good to have a friendly familiar face to be there and walk in with me.  I stepped on the scale and found that I am not in as bad a shape as I thought.  I am not completely back to where I was when I started my journey 3 years ago.  I was happy that I didn't completely undo all of that hard work!

Now for the Before pics.  I want to document my progress.  Beau took my pics (he is not a good photographer, but it gets the job done.

I think I have been seeing so many first day of school photos I had to have a first day of Weight Watchers photo.

So I haven't jumped over any hurdles (other than signing up and going to the meeting), so no revealing life moments to share yet.  Just the proud acknowledgement that I had a healthy breakfast. I tracked my food.  I am grateful to be doing this for me.  I need this.  

Begin at the Beginning... Again

There is something so disappointing about returning to where you started or worse.  About 3 years ago I started a journey that successfully helped me lose weight, and gain so much more insight about myself, my value and self worth, physical capabilities, and ultimately allowed my body to carry my first child into the world.  I looked at my work and felt so much pride in my accomplishments.  And then ... I ate.

The details of my day to day life were overwhelmed with pick ups and drop offs from daycare, increasing Portland traffic, and a baby to care for when I wasn't at work.  I was exhausted to say the least.  Also, my marriage was struggling - as many do after the birth of a child.  Beau and I had been married for 7 years before our little one joined our family.  We had established a routine and a rhythm to our life together.  Suddenly our schedules revolved around feedings (I nursed and pumped exclusively), naps, diapers, and play time.  While we were so happy to have our daughter, the struggle was real.   I felt like a bad wife and mother to not be able to balance all of the things I was responsible for... so I ate.

I tried to lose weight and return to Weight Watchers 6 weeks after Johanna was born, but I just couldn't seem to get it right, and ultimately ended up cancelling.  I figured I needed to get my head in the game and be ready to make the commitment to take care of myself again.

In the last several months I have had the opportunity to work from home/or bring my daughter with me to work.  This has been an immense blessing that has removed some of the stresses of my day.  I get to be with her all the time.  Since I have been able to be with her all of the time I have noticed just how slow and out of shape I am.  I cannot keep up with her.  My greatest fear is her running out into the street and me not being fast enough to get her in time.  I also realize that she needs a sibling, and we would like our family to expand again.  There is no hope of this happening if some changes are not made.  So.  I have been trying to put my head in the game and get ready for this difficult journey once again.  I know it will be difficult, and sometimes seem impossible, but I can do this.

Yesterday I had to chase a runaway pet down the road.  I haven't run in literally years.  It was embarrassing how slow and jiggly my body is.  But even still as I ran picture slow jogging), I realized that I could work hard and possibly run one day.  I could work up to a 5k.  I could get healthy so that I can run with my daughter, and teach her how to live so she can be healthy.

So I make my first big step by going to my first meeting in over 18 months to Weight Watchers.  I am going to the group local to my home now, so it will be a new leader, and new people in a new building.  But I am going to do it.  I will be strong,  and I will succeed.

Some thoughts as I move forward...

Clothes Shopping is not Okay

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  I miss my blog.  A lot has changed since my last post, and I miss my greatest release - writing.  Funny that it has taken me this long to come back, but balancing the struggles of working full time, being a mom, serving in the church, and everything else in between made me feel like I didn't have time to write, much less do anything else for myself.  I slowly began to put on weight as my exhaustion increased and my stress expanded.  It seemed as though the pounds came in anticipation of my next overwhelming task - which triggered the next purchase of undoubtedly the best tasting junk food known to man.

This all came to a head as I each of my clothes became a little snugger, or worn out completely.  I have been putting of going clothes shopping because it is always the one thing to remind me that I am not taking care of myself... again.  A reminder of all the hard work seemingly gone to waste from before I got pregnant with Johanna.  Well finally the last pair of ill fitting pants has shown signs of preparing to bite the dust, so I had to go shopping.  Clothes shopping is not okay.  It is evil, and must be destroyed.  It not only can deplete my bank account, but it can deplete my self confidence in no time at all.  I looked at one rack of pants and could feel my blood pressure rising, and my anxiety rearing its ugly head.  I basically fled the scene.  Beau was trying to be supportive, but he could tell me I'm pretty from here until eternity, and until I change my way of thinking nothing will get better.

So, here I am.  At the beginning of a new journey.  The journey to be the kind of woman I need to be for me, my family, friends, and the kind of person who can be there for those around her.

Today in Relief Society (read all adult women's gospel study) class, the teacher shared a story about a 60 year old woman who had come into the hospital she was working.  This woman was wheeled in by her husband, and when questioned as to why she was in the wheel chair, it basically came down to laziness.  She was too lazy to be bothered with walking around and taking care of herself.  I thought to myself as I sat there, "I have been too lazy.  I don't want to be this lady."

Back in January I left my job of the last 6+ years to work from my Mother-in-law to help her at Pine Lodge at Rivermist Labradoodles (shameless plug)!  This enables me to have Johanna with me all the time, as well as work either at my in-laws or at home.  I realized this would mean that I would have a flexible schedule which would allow me to do the things I have been wanting to do, but haven't had the time or energy to do.  Like plant a garden, and completely reorganize my entire house.  Maybe make a quilt, and make fantastic home-cooked meals every night for dinner.  I am going to read my scriptures everyday alone and with Johanna, as well as having morning and evening family prayer.  While I haven't been completely unsuccessful, I haven't been successful.  My yard still looks like it hasn't been cared for in years, my garden is covered in weeds.  My house looks like a bomb went off in it.  Why?  Because I have been lazy.  Now I have made some meals, and picked up here and there, but I am not happy with my progress.  I tell myself it is because I am too busy still to take care of these things, but that isn't true.

So where do I go from here?  Where do I start?  I am going to start where I am.  I am going to do an inventory of what I want to do, and what is most important.  Then I will figure out how to do it.  The only thing holding me back is me.

I am going to pretend I am brave, and embark on another journey of self-discovery.  I have this idea that has brought radiance to my life.  

Once again clothes have been the catalyst to spark change.  But the change is not only so I can find clothes and buy them.   Although that would be wonderful.  I am making over my life for me.