Epiphany

As I was preparing for my Halloween Party, I received my Pink Polar FT4 from Jenny Hodges is Metamorfit in the mail.  I decided to base this years Halloween Costume on my watch.  I made this plan to dress up as an injured marathon runner.  It seemed appropriate since any attempt I could make at running a marathon would be an absolute disaster.  I created my Marathon Tag to depict this perfectly.  I had band aids, an ace bandage, and make up all ready to complete the injured look.  I had fabric for a sling.  This was going to look awesome. 

Then I had an epiphany.  The reason I was so excited about winning that watch was because of what it represented.  It represents all of the hard work I have done so far, and the path I have ahead.  This watch will help me as I exercise to calculate every burned calorie, and target the correct heart rate.  This watch will help me achieve greater goals in my workouts.  Not to mention it is beautiful pink!  I could not disgrace myself by making fun of the old me.  The coach potato me.  The me that would never run in a marathon or to the end of the street for that matter.  (I was also nervous that my prone-toworry nieces may start worrying that their mother would get injured if she continued to run in marathons).  So I concocted a new plan.  A plan that involved the new me.  The person I want to be.

I am not promising that I will be competing in the Portland Half Marathon in 2015, but the point is, I could.  I can keep bettering myself and moving forward.  Who cares what I was.  This is who I want to be.  The woman that can decide to train and run in a marathon.

Secretly I have always been envious of runners.  The way they fly through the air.  I have never been a runner much less flown through anything but a meal.  I guess you could say it is on my Bucket List.  I have always put down runners saying how stupid they are to be so hard on their joints and knees especially.  I would say walking is so much better for you.  Hysterically I did neither walking or running.  But making running seem dumb helped me be okay that I am not good at running or physical activity on any major scale.  Things are changing.  Anything is possible.

This doesn't have to mean anything to anyone but me.  I tried to explain my excitement about my epiphany to Beau, and he said that I was acting a little crazy and was kind of scary. lol.  I probably was.  But this was the first time I really thought that the world was my oyster.  Now, I am far from being ready to run in a marathon, but I will make it there.  Last week someone asked me what I would say if someone told me it would take me three years to lose the weight.  I smiled inside because I knew the answer.  It is something I have seen on Pinterest, but have taken to heart.

 

So what if it takes a long time.  I am going to get there.  Today is another weigh in, and I am excited (and nervous - lets be honest) for the opportunity to see how this week has turned out.  I am working hard.  I am really starting to see a little extra space in my clothes (which are still a little more snug then I would prefer), but improvement is improvement. 

I wanted to share our scary masterpieces from our Halloween Party.  Mine is in the middle.  I haven't carved a pumpkin in at least 10 years, but I had so much fun!  I got elbow deep in nasty pumpkiny gook and created a work of art - kind of.

Witch's Brew and Such

In the past Halloween has not been my favorite time of year.  When we were living in Rexburg, Beau would spend the entire month of October working at John Deere by day and scaring little children at the Haunted Mill by night.  I found the month very lonely.  We loved the extra money, but it came with a price.  Since moving to Oregon I have found October to be a much more enjoyable month.  Beau is able to be home in the evenings.  I have always wanted to have a Halloween party, but it is a little hard to throw a party when your hubby cannot come because he is working.  This year I decided that it was time.  The planning began.  I have planned a shindig for the family involving a costume contest, pumpkin carving, and yummy food.  I still don't know what I am going to be for Halloween, but I will come up with something.  I have been looking at all of these fun ideas on Pinterest, and some people really go all out, even as adults.  I am impressed!  What are you going to be for Halloween?

This week has been a hard one.  I have been feeling considerable pressure and stress.  Yesterday I realized that everything was fine.  I am fine.  Beau is fine.  Izzie (our dog) is fine.  The house is messy, but it could be a lot worse.  Life goes on.  I think the reason I have felt so overwhelmed has been because I have had a headache everyday, which makes me not think clearly.  Yesterday as I considered making dinner, I was close to giving up.  I didn't want to do it.  Then I realized that if I don't get a good meal I will be even worse off.  I have the power to determine how I feel.  I cannot control the headaches, but I can control how I handle them.  So I went into the kitchen and made Turkey Zucchini Burgers (they tasted like meatloaf on a bun...so yummy!!) and roasted squash, zucchini, and onion.  Having food in my tummy made it easier to deal with my throbbing head.  I think that this happens often for me.  There is a very simple solution to a problem, and yet I sit and suffer instead.  Call it laziness, stupidity, whatever you want, I think it is a failure of taking care of myself.  Sometimes it is easier to forget about me and worry about other things that are going on.  How else does a person get to be as big as me without too much thought? 

I have considered how much I weigh right now, and it is about 80 pounds more than when Beau and I were married (6 years ago).  I thought, well, it could be a lot worse, right?  Then I realized the last time I lost weight I was within 20 pounds of my weight when I was married.  That was 2 years ago.  I have gained almost 100 pounds in 2 years (and then I lost 20).  That is a crazy amount of weight to gain in 2 years.  I really let myself overlook the scale, well I didn't step on it.  I even thought the clothing companies were changing how they were sizing clothes. Can anyone say denial!  But it isn't anyone's fault but my own.  I did this.  Owning this truth stinks.  It hurts.  But the sooner I realize I did this, the sooner I can move past it.  I realized this last week that just as I can do negative things to my body, I can also be positive.  As I considered gorging over something truly sinful the thought crossed my mind that I would be wasting time I could spend losing weight.  I would set myself back, and I have no time to lose.  I guess my brain is finally changing.  I am finally acknowledging that I have the power to choose to live a healthy lifestyle and progress in my efforts of weight loss, or I can make poor eating choices and experience set backs that will require more time to correct my weight.

So as I approach this Halloween time I am going to remember that it is up to me how I will handle this journey.  I control my success and my failure.  I get to choose to progress or regress.  Being accountable is no fun, but the sooner I am the better I will be.  No excuses.  No set backs allowed.  Move forward.

Fallen

Weigh in day arrived and past.  I survived.  I was apprehensive to stand on that scale and reveal whether or not my adjustment was working.  I lost 3.8 pounds.  I feel accomplished.  You know losing weight is a lot more fun when you get a high five or a pat on the back.  I even got a BRAVO star.  Amazingly at 28 years of age stickers still mean something.  There was this lady at my meeting that started last week as well.  She said in the past she hasn't liked coming to WW because she isn't that big, and she thinks that others judge her.  They judge her for trying to lose weight.  When I looked at her I saw a really cute girl, and I wouldn't mind being her size.  But I can understand her wanting to gain control of her life style.  It doesn't matter if you are trying to lose 5 or 500 pounds.  Improving your lifestyle is a good idea.  I actually realized that worrying about what others think can occur whether you are a bigger person or not.  I realized it really is all about perspective.  I think it's great she wants to lose some weight.  I think it is great that she and I can learn from each other as we both work toward a common goal - being the best me possible.

Yesterday I fell at work.  I mean full on face plant.  It was that mortifying moment that I fear every day.  The big embarrassment.  The slow motion fall and then the crash with my fat bouncing all around me.  I almost let myself feel bad.  Then I started laughing, got up, and moved on.  I know that losing 20 pounds does not make a person able to bounce back from this kind of fall, but the boost in self confidence does.  I may not look ridiculously beautiful and wear high heels like a super model, but I am making positive changes, and I can hold my head up high.  I did obtain a small scratch on my foot, and my back has felt better, but I picked myself up off the ground and didn't give up or run and hide.  I am making small steps that are making me better in more ways than one.

Over the weekend Beau and I decided we wanted to have an Anniversary Dinner.  We did celebrate a little at the end of our trip to Utah, but we wanted to go out to a nice meal.  We chose Claim Jumpers.  Land of large portions, and six-layer cake chocolate motherload cake.  This seemed like a scary prospect as I was pretty hungry by the time we got seated, and I have eaten there before.  I knew what I could get myself into.  I looked at Beau and told him that I needed a minute to figure out what I wanted.  Our server came over, and I asked her what would be on the lighter side on the menu.  She showed me that the Nutrition Facts were right on the table.  I was elated.  I immediately started scanning the calories until I started seeing numbers that were not terrifying.  I found a wonderful Alaskan Salmon with roasted vegetables and rice pilaf!!  Success!  They even had Diet Sprite so I indulged in a soda.  I started with a salad, which really helped me keep my hunger in check, so that by the time my plate arrived I was ready to slowly enjoy every single bite. The picture below shows the meal with mashed potatoes, which I did not have, but I thought I would make you jealous of it none the less :)



As dinner completed I realized I had left over WW Points, so I indulges in a piece of Warm English Toffee cake.  I loved every bite and felt completely in control.  No feelings of guilt.  I had made smart decisions and had enjoyed a lovely meal with my favorite person.  He was so patient with me, and allowed me to take the time I needed to make a good choice.

On Sunday I decided to try cooking something new so I set out to make some steak and cheese sandwiches with mushrooms and onions with baked potato soup.  Beau enjoyed his steak and cheese (no mushrooms or onions for him) and he thought the soup was okay.  After he had eaten all of his soup I told him he had just eaten a whole serving of vegetables.  He asked me what I was talking about, and I told him that his soup had cauliflower in it.  He was a little surprised.  I was victorious.  Beau has always said that if you fix vegetables you should hide them.  Mission Accomplished.

Chauffeuring

Today I had the unique opportunity to take a few hours out of my work day and drive Beau to a doctors appointment.  I spent a lot of time in the car driving to the doctors, driving home to get Beau's work clothes, driving Beau to work, and then driving home.  During this time I did some thinking.  The first thing I have decided is that I do not like being a Chauffeur.  The rest is useful information, I think.

I thought again about my instincts when I feel hungry.  This had everything to do with skipping breakfast today.  My tummy was growling.  My first thought whenever it is time to eat something is always directed to high fat, deep fried, fast food, or an equally unhealthy option.  I really felt like a failure as these thoughts started flooding my brain.  I have been changing my habits and eating patterns for over a month now.  Why does my brain still make the quick conclusion that it wants something that will not only be unsatisfying, but most detrimental to my body and journey?  Then some thoughts came into my head: "Rome wasn't built in a day."  "You have thought the same way for years, one month is not going to fix years of stinking thinking."  So there was my first realization.  I am not doing things wrong just because I keep wanting the food I have given up.  I just need to continue to correct those thoughts when they enter my mind.  With practice I believe the correct thoughts will take the dominant place in thinking.

I received my lunch bag in the mail yesterday.  For anyone that knows me well will understand why I chose it.  It is so me.  You will now experience virtual show and tell...lol :)
I almost want to pack a lunch for Monday right now.  I know I am in elementary school again trying out my new lunch bag.  I love it!  Ironically though I always wanted to buy lunch in elementary school.  Sorry Mom, maybe if I had had this beauty. just kidding!

I got up this morning and got ready for the day including doing my hair and putting on real clothes not yoga pants.  Even as I type this blog I feel better about myself.  I am not so frumpy.  If Izzie needs to go outside I won't have to be embarrassed.  I still need a little practice in perfecting my new "do" but all in all it feels great to have actually gotten dressed today.  I am moving in the right direction.

Someone told me a couple of days ago they could tell I had lost some weight, to which I replied "I can't."  She said well you look at yourself in the mirror everyday and I don't.  I told Beau to which he promptly replied, "I see you everyday, too."  To which made me smile a bit.  He was nervous that he would offend me that he couldn't see a change yet. 

I think that for a not as obese person as me 4 weeks would be enough for me to see a change.  I feel a change though.  My pants are not quite so snug, and my clothes in general feel just a little bit better.  My water retention has gone way,way down which I can see and love.  Definition in ankles is a beautiful thing.  My wedding ring fits a little nicer, and I don't feel like I am cutting of the circulation to my finger when I wear it.  I also don't feel so lethargic anymore.  I used to get done with my work day and just crash.  I have a little more pep in my step and can stay up later than I used to.  I still don't love getting up in the morning, but I don't think any amount of weight loss is going to change that.  I love to sleep in, until about 7 or 8 am. 

I told Beau that I want to go to my favorite clothing store when I can fit into their clothes again and buy a brand new outfit.  He looked at me as said, "Well it won't be long now."  I said, "I know!!"  I just want to be able to walk into my favorite store and buy the clothes that make me feel beautiful.  They will still be plus sized, but at least I won't have to buy all my clothes online.  I could walk into a normal store and buy trendy. fun clothes that make me feel good.  Honestly, I don't even know where to shop for clothes if you are not shopping for plus size.  I have been shopping for plus size as long as I can remember.  It was kind of funny when I was in Utah a few weeks ago, we needed to get my sister a skirt to wear to the funeral.  She was going from store to store in the mall, and each store had her size.  She apologized for being indecisive.  I told her I didn't mind, I just didn't really understand why someone would go from store to store.  I have always been so limited in what I could buy that a trip to buy clothes typically consisted of stopping in the one or two stores that carried my size and moving on.  There are definitely more plus size offerings now then there were when I was in high school, but lets me honest - the best selection is available to those that are a bit healthier than me.  While right now that kind of stinks, I will eat it up when I am able to shop in each of those stores. Soon!

Work in Progress

Monday was an anxiety riddled day as I built myself up for my first WW meeting.  I was so grateful I bought my pass early as it didn't really let me make excuses as to why I couldn't go.  It wasn't that I was having second thoughts on my decision.  I wasn't.  WW is the right move for me.  I was nervous to walk into a new place with new people.  I walked in, completed my registration paperwork, and took my seat.  The worst part was over.  Everyone was really friendly.  I was one of the younger people in the room which was a little weird.  Looking around most people looked to be twice my age.  I wondered what they would have in common with me.  Oh yeah, they need to live a more healthy lifestyle and they chose WW to help them.  As I sat waiting I saw a familiar face walk in the room.  A friend from church.  She was signing up the same night as me.  I was so excited to have a friend.  The meeting went as most WW meetings go.  Ironically the topic was change.  Why do we change?  Is change hard?  I thought, "You should see my blog. You are preaching to the choir."  Change is extremely hard at times.  Especially when it comes to the way you live.  Why do we change, well that one was easy too - to improve our situation.  I was grateful my first meeting is behind me.  I can move past it and look to many more inspiring meetings to come.

Changing my eating to follow WW has not been too hard considering I was already watching what I was eating before.  I just count points instead of calories.  I feel like things are moving in the right direction.  I still have my moments where I really want something bad, and a lot of it.  I am trying to work to figure that out.  On Tuesday I had a lot of points left at the end of the day and decided for dinner I would go to Panera.  I realized I had enough points not only for my favorite salad, but also for a yummy pasta.  I placed my order and took my meal home to enjoy.  I realized something as I ate this extreme spread - I still wasn't satisfied.  I was falling into old habits.  One crazy meal made me want more, More, MORE!!  I am glad I was able to recognize that in myself and I won't be making the same mistake again.  Even if I have the points, I do not need to go crazy.  Moderation is key not only for weight loss, but also to help keep my psyche in order.

I have discovered that the hardest place for me to make good decisions is work.  I sit in that desk and I work within short walking distance to Starbucks and a really yummy deli.  This makes me dream of hot caramel apple cider and caramel creme frappuccinos.  The deli has the best mac and cheese ever - not to mention desserts and baked goods galore.  I went over to the deli yesterday to grab lunch and realized that although they have a lot of yummy food, it was hard to chose their healthier options when I had so much else to chose.  Bottom line.  I need to pack a lunch and snacks.  So, I have taken a proactive approach and bought myself a lunch bag.  I went to Amazon and chose the cutest one I could find.  It should arrive today.  I also have a new cookbook that I got at WW that I am going to look through and make a concentrated effort to try every single recipe in it (it is designed for the first 12 weeks of the program).  The book has great lunch ideas, and I need yummy food to satisfy me while working so close to purchasable yummy food.

I also ordered a bike seat on Amazon.  I purchased a bike at a garage sale last month, and haven't been able to ride it because the seat is broken on it.  I used to love riding my bike.  I rode everywhere.  I don't remember loving the ride to school, but I rode a lot in elementary and middle school.  My favorite was to ride with my Dad.  He rode his bike everyday to work that he could.  He passed that love of riding on to me.  I loved riding fast and exploring on two wheels.  I have many fond memories of Daddy/daughter rides.  So I decided it was time to get back on the horse or bike and ride.  Not only will it be good exercise, but it will be something fun that I can do.  Beau talked about getting a bike as well so we can go on family rides.  I joked that we will have to get a child trailer to tow our three legged dog.  There is no way I would try to ride along side her.  She is more uncoordinated than I am at times, and that is saying something.

I decided with all of my success that I deserved a reward for me.  Not a food reward, but something that would make me feel good.  I got a hair cut.  Since I have moved to Oregon finding a stylist has been hard.  I miss my friend in Idaho.  She knew exactly what I wanted!  Well I have found my new stylist in Oregon. She is amazing!!  I felt like a million bucks walking out with my new do!  I am going to have to remember to treat myself from time to time along this journey.  Not only is it important to treat my insides well, it is also equally important to take care of my physical appearance.  I have "let myself go."  I stopped wearing makeup, haven't really done my hair, and hardly wear something besides yoga pants.  I feel better about myself when I put extra effort in my appearance.  I'm not saying that I need makeup to feel complete.  I don't.  However, a little mascara gives me just a little boost of confidence.  Confidence is a good thing.  It is time to start caring again.  It is time to clean up my wardrobe and try. I may not be a model (who really is), but I can still look put together.  I may not be a size 0 (again, who really is), but I can wear clothes that compliment my body.  I have had the thought, "I will care what I look like when I am thin."  Now I think it is time to change my perspective to, "I will care what I look like now.  I don't have to be teeny tiny to start living.  I will care what I look like as I am on this path the the healthiest me possible."  Not easy to remember all the time, but I am a work in progress.

Moving Ahead

This weekend was a struggle for me.  I found myself trying to justify every bad eating habit from before I started this journey.  It was as if this was my last weekend of freedom to eat whatever I wanted.  I even had the thought "Well, maybe I will take a night off."  This was totally a crazy thought.  A dangerous thought.  I made it through Friday and Saturday no worse for the wear, but Sunday I gave in.  I felt sick this morning. Literally.  My stomach hurt, and I had heartburn.  So in an effort to not let myself get any more off course I signed up for Weight Watchers this morning.  I will attend my first meeting tonight.  I have started tracking my food on my app, and I am all set.  This doesn't mean smooth sailing, but it does mean I am accountable to a program again.  I have a set goal and a purpose.  I could use some positive vibes if anyone would like to send them as I go to my first meeting!

As I experienced the pains of my head telling my stomach that it was hungry, I felt exhausted.  I keep feeling this fear that I will always feel hungry, even when I am not.  Part of my addiction was the "high."  My high comes from being totally and completely full.  It makes me feel safe and comfortable.  I haven't had that feeling in a while now.  I haven't completely let go since I started.  As silly as this is, I feel a little lost.  I have had to find other things that give me comfort.  I haven't found a perfect solution to this yet.  I will have moments of peace, but I find myself fighting me about 95% of the day still.  I try to celebrate the moments that I am winning.  That internal pat on the back.  I have heard the statement "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."  The fat girl inside of me, who has not been thin since she was very little (and maybe not really thin then either), says "Obviously you haven't had chocolate cake or pizza or ice cream.  Those all taste really good, and when my high comes from overeating, they also feel really good...temporarily.  I guess it comes down to perspective.  Maybe for me I should think, "Nothing tastes as good as achieving your dreams" (read Why).  Corny, huh?



Seriously though, I need to find a new center if food can't be it, which it can't.  I feel miserable all the time trying not to think about food.  And in this society it is really hard, even if you aren't one to naturally obsess over food.  Consider all of the media: TV advertisements, ads on Facebook, ads on the internet in general.  With the holidays around the corner there is discussion of parties which often center around food.  My birthday is next month (along with Beau, Beau's mom, and Beau's brother).  Not the mention the fact that one of my hobbies/talents is cooking.  I hate to toot my own horn but I make awesome cookies.  Okay, here's something funny.  One of my favorite shows is Cake Boss.  I can't watch it anymore.  It makes me crazy.  I need a new hobby.  Something to take my mind off of eating.

I'm thinking of sewing more.  It is an old hobby, but it makes me happy, and you can't eat while sewing without making a mess.  I also like to scrapbook.  Maybe it is time to start that up again.  Cooking healthy foods could be a hobby too, it is just torture to look through recipes because inevitably I find all the unhealthiest recipes to drool over.  Maybe the hobby will come from converting less healthy meals into healthy ones.  I actually feel more satisfied from healthy food.  I enjoy my food more now then I did before.  If anyone has any fun hobbies to suggest, I am open to suggestion.  Also, if anyone has any healthy food tricks or recipes they would like to share that would be awesome. 

Reflections

Today is the first day after the completion of my 24 Day Challenge.  I have made some great discoveries about myself, and about this process.   I thought I would share.

I have been asked what I am doing to lose the weight, and what was my 24 Day Challenge.  I was introduced to the 24 day challenge by my sister in law, Tiffany. It is a program created by AdvoCare.  Basically you start the challenge with an herbal cleanse, and then finish with supplements designed to help you trim your body.  There is a suggested diet to follow that will aid in your success.  I do not believe in diet pills.  I have had friends and family members take them, and I have watched as they experienced temporary weight loss at the cost of jitters, caffeine highs, and in some cases altered health (can anyone say Fen Phen?).  When I first heard about this challenge I thought it was stupid.  First of all, AdvoCare is an MLM (multi level marketing) company, and that does not interest me in becoming involved.  Also, it is a spendy program.  The initial challenge costs $200 for the basic kit, and more as you add in all the extra supplements to help aid the process.What changed my mind was the fact that doing nothing to help my situation wasn't improving my outlook, and I knew that I would have a support team if I chose to try the challenge.  So, I embarked on this path.  I made the investment, and planned some meals.  I don't think that this is the only answer to weight loss, but it has helped me jump start my journey.  Between a balanced diet (calorie counting on MyFitnessPal.com), and taking these supplements I have lost 16.6 pounds in the last 24 days.

Beau has asked me what my plan is now that the challenge is over.  Will I continue to buy the supplements and other AdvoCare supporting products?  While I do think they are helpful, and they made me feel better overall (my back doesn't hurt as much as it normally does and I have a lot more energy), I have decided to not continue taking them.  The reason for this is I want to know if the improvements I have experienced can only be attributed to the supplements or the change in diet.  I made a lot of changes in a short period of time and I want to know where to attribute my success.

I have decided that I want to go back to Weight Watchers.  I have done the Weight Watchers program in the past and have been very successful.  The reason I am choosing Weight Watchers is for several reasons.  First, I need to have a program that allows for life to happen.  While on the challenge I ended up traveling, going to family events, celebrating birthdays, etc.  I need an eating plan where I am allowed to celebrate and not feel like I have completely fallen off the bandwagon.  Another important reason I am choosing Weight Watchers is because there is more to food than calories.  Weight Watchers looks at the protein, carbs, fat, and fiber content of the document which is very important as well.  I also really like the community that Weight Watchers gives me.  Attending the meetings gives me support, and that is something that I really need.  While Beau is so supportive of me getting healthier, he is not ready to take the same steps.  While he is a great support, I need to surround myself with people that understand what I am going through, and I will get that at my meetings.  I could also say that Weight Watchers is a more affordable option to purchasing the supplements, but that isn't really why I am choosing this option. The truth is I would pay the money if I felt that the supplements were necessary to my success.  I won't say that I won't ever take them again, I am just going to take a break (maybe temporary or permanent) while I transition to Weight Watchers (I could do both if I wanted).

I have learned some other important lessons in the last several weeks.  I do not love drinking my meals.  I like having the option of drinking a shake in the morning when I am rushed and do not have time to pack or make breakfast, but I really like eating my food.  I really like salad.  There is so much you can do to a bed of lettuce it is ridiculous.  I like brown rice and quinoa.  They are so yummy, and great alternatives to white rice.  Sometimes it is really helpful to drink a diet root beer when I really want something sweet and yummy.  You can eat pizza and cake and fish fries and still lose weight - just don't do it everyday and monitor your portions carefully and plan ahead.  You may still struggle everyday with wanting to eat more than you should, but that's okay.  It is okay to have temptations nagging at you.  Don't give up.  Sometimes I have to take things minute by minute in order to make it through.  Don't be afraid to tell the people you love that you need them.  There have been several times that I have looked at Beau and said that I needed a hug or a kind word.  The people that care about you want you to succeed.  I have also learned that it is okay to stand up and say no.  No that doesn't work for me, no I do not want to take leftovers home, no I do not need to finish my plate.  I also learned that Izzie doesn't care how fast or slow we walk.  She is just so happy to help me get moving!

Izzie is waiting to go on a walk!

I never intended to blog about this as I go, but then I found that talking about my struggles actually helped me.  I am really humbled that people read my ramblings.  I do not feel that I am a great writer, and often laugh at the amount of typos that make it on the page.  Thanks for listening...again.