'Tis the Season

I love Christmas time.  I love the music and the lights.  I love the general feeling of goodwill and peace on earth.  I especially love an entire month dedicated to the Saviors life and, of course, His birth.  This year was especially different in comparison to any other Christmas because I didn't decorate my home.  I always put up a tree and some carefully placed decorations, however, with the move so close to Christmas I decided not to stress about decorations.  Since I have never lived through an undecorated Christmas I felt a little like the Grinch did on Christmas morning when the Who's were still singing.  Christmas came without trees, and garland, ornaments, etc.  Not having the decorations made me work harder to remember the Christmas Spirit.  I found my thoughts turning to what matters most.  I am so grateful for this rare, and most likely unrepeated, Christmas without decorations.

We spent a wonderful evening with Beau's parents and maternal grandparents.  We did something I have never done before, but will definitely do again.  We had griddles on the table and an assortment of meats and veggies that you sauteed and put sauce on.  It was so fun to cook right at the table.  It was so tasty and healthy too!  We finished the evening listening to Beau's father reading the Christmas story from the Bible.  Christmas day we slept in and enjoyed a quiet day at home.  I look forward to the day when we will have littles in the house excited to see what Santa brought them.  That was the only thing missing from our day.

Today I will begin packing the house - frantically. Our move out day is January 15th, but we are hoping to be out sooner.  I figure I will use the remaining time I have off to get things organized and as packed as possible.  Then we will live in limbo (stay with Beau's parents - not that their house is limbo, but it is just not our house) until our place is ready to move in.

I came to some realizations about myself again.  On Christmas I decided to cook up some t-bone steaks (thank you Tiffany) and potatoes and rolls.  This was a deadly combination.  I didn't do much preparation in advance to concocting this plan, so I made an entire meal of things I can gorge myself on.  I had 3 rolls because I forgot how much I love home baked rolls - and I gave in to my gluttony.  I didn't have any potatoes, but I did saute up some veggies that tasted fantastic with the steak.  At the end of the evening I was not satisfied and the monster inside of me screamed for more, More, MORE!!  It took all of my restraint to just put the food away.  Actually I did a lot of putting food away yesterday.  I put all of the cookies in the freezer so I wouldn't want to eat them every time I walked into the kitchen (since they seemed to be staring me in the face).  Basically, yesterday was the remember not to eat that day.  My head just screamed for goodies and treats.  I think I was a bit homesick thinking of what my family was doing in California.  I dreamed of the food there, and tried to recreate it here.  I needed to create a new tradition for my family  in regards to food.  The baking was actually a wonderful and relaxing time for me.  I enjoy baking so much.  I think that next year I will be better at finding a good place to store them so I don't have to look at them so much after they are baked.  I also need to plan Christmas dinner in a way that will allow me to enjoy the food while still being able to remain in check with my eating.

Another realization I have come to is that it is easier for me to eat out than it is to eat at home.  This isn't just because when you eat out they prepare, serve, and clean up the meal.  It is because there is a set amount of food available.  Once the food is gone it is gone.  When I cook I am left with leftovers, and the urge to grab another serving.  This is dangerous to me, since portion control is one of the areas I struggle with the most.  I can make good decisions, but too much of a good thing can be bad.

As I prepare for this move I have been considering one of the areas that is most difficult for me - eating.  Typically I pack the whole kitchen and then we have to eat out (typically a lot of fast food) until we are unpacked in our new place.  So I have devised a plan.  I am going to plan out a bunch of freezer meals, so that when we move we have ready to go food that I won't have to worry about preparation clean up - so much.  At least with this move we won't be moving several states.  We are moving about 15 miles - so freezer meals will not be hard to transport.

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday.  I know that I love being able to spend time with mine!

Peanut Brittle and Such!

It's that time of year when treat giving is at an all time high, and I joined in the festivities.  This weekend I made peanut brittle, peppermint bark, peanut blossoms, chocolate chip cookies, homemade oreos (red velvet and golden), and chocolate crinkles.  By last night I was done looking at sweet treats and dishes.  I was grateful to unload some this morning and sent them with Beau to take to his coworkers and others he wanted to thank.  With all this temptation in the house I indulged in one piece of nostalgic, crunchy, and sweet peanutty goodness which is peanut brittle.  Making Peanut Brittle is a family tradition.  My mother has made it every Christmas for as long as I can remember.  She even has uses a special pot.  It is a triangle Guardian Service Pot.  I have never made it before, and when I called my mom for some tips I discovered she was also making Peanut Brittle with my oldest sister.  Then I found out that my second oldest sister was also making Peanut Brittle.  It made the tradition that much more enjoyable.  There is something simply impressive in watching ingredients turn from liquid goo to candy.

Despite all the sweets in the house I still managed to lose a little more weight!  Thank Heavens!!  Last week was overwhelming with the desire to binge and give up.  I am glad to have my resolve back.  I think that writing down my concerns helps strengthen me in my weakest moments.  I am re-centered and refocused.  I am also accountable for the feelings that I am having.  I never thought that writing down my weaknesses would make me so much stronger.

I want to take a moment to recognize one of my greatest supporters.  This person is one of the pickiest eaters I know and one of the most opposed to change as well.  This person only wants the best for those around them, and often time tries to overcome their own personal struggles with "weird" foods in order to support me.  This wonderful person is my husband.  Sometimes he just wants Pizza, but that is understandable.  He is not ready to make the same changes that I am making.  I have a very huge incentive to lose this weight (to hopefully improve my chances of becoming a mother as well as improve my blood pressure and heart murmur); however, Beau does not have any health reasons to change the way he is doing things.  Neither of us have been diagnosed with Diabetes or High Cholesterol.  He doesn't have Blood Pressure or Heart Issues.  Besides the occasional feeling of fatigue, Beau doesn't have a pressing reason to lose weight or change his eating habits.  He is so amazing to me.  He tells me that he loves me just the way I am, and I don't need to change for him.  He knows that I want to change, so he has patiently waited in restaurants as I try to find a healthy option, attempted to eat my poorly adapted recipes with strange ingredients, the long grocery store trips as I search for the best option, and so many other things.  He listens to me as I pour my heart out in concerns over cooking, eating, cravings, and fears.  He gives me advice and a hug when I just need to know that he cares and loves me.  Now he struggles from time to time, and just needs to eat a hamburger.  This is why we are such a good match.  He is patient as I work diligently on changing my lifestyle, and I am patient with him as he needs to eat the foods that make him happy.  I am so grateful to have him at my side as we both try to figure out how to live with my lifestyle.  It makes us better together.

Dangerous Waters

I have been here before.  I lose 40ish pounds and then somehow lose focus or get over confident that I know what I am doing and then things fall apart.  On Friday night Beau asked me if I wanted to eat at a buffet, and the thought was terrifying.  I could feel my resolve leaving me.  I could binge on all sorts of soups, breads, and desserts.  This sounded wonderful - for a moment and then horrible.  I told Beau I didn't know if I could eat at a buffet.  We actually had a really good conversation about losing 40 pounds and then how things go to pot.  In my defense the last time there was a life changing event that occurred (one of the only things I will not discuss on this blog) and through me for a complete loop.  I was derailed, and turned to to the only thing that felt safe - food.

I am confident in saying that nothing like that is going to derail me this time, but call it superstition - I am scared.  I finished off last week strong and lost 3.8 more pounds (I am not sure why I have lost so much in the last couple weeks, but I expect things to slow down again soon).  Then Monday evening brought back another desire for bad food and indulgences.  I held it together.  Tuesday Beau wanted Pizza for dinner, and I loosely counted points.  I weighed yesterday morning to hold myself accountable and died a little when I was up since my Monday weigh in.  So I recommitted and went to work.  Literally, I drove into the office in Lake Oswego.  They provided a Holiday Luncheon complete with salad, pasta, bread, and tiramisu.  I was very careful as I loaded my plate 2/3 full of leafy greens with a nice vinaigrette dressing.  Then I had just a taste of a couple pasta's and a meatball.  Everything tasted yummy, but my brain wanted more.  I indulged in a small piece of tiramisu and called it a wrap.  I finished yesterday strong.  Still struggling, but even in these struggles I am learning.  I have lost 45 pounds.  While this is an amazing accomplishment I am not done and cannot rest.

I have a doctor appointment today and am actually excited to step on the scale.  Why? Well because the last time I was at the doctor's office I could not weight on their scale because it didn't go high enough to register my accurate weight.  I know that this should not be the case today.  I will be able to step on the scale and have my weight measured - like a normal person.

I am a little nervous for Christmas.  I haven't considered the food as much as I considered Thanksgiving.  I think I am either in denial that there will be tempting food, or Christmas dinners feel like just another day to count points and enjoy family.  I am not sure which one most successfully represents my current state.  Maybe a little of both.  I think what I am most concerned with is my quickly approaching baking session.  Beau works with a lot of great people (so do I for that matter) and he asked me to bake goodies for Christmas that he will be able to share.  I haven't really baked cookies since starting this change.  The reason is that one is never enough.  So I will be baking and then shipping out the goodies as fast as possible.

I guess there was one other thing this weekend that was hard.  On Saturday Beau and I were at Costco and he wanted to buy a Costco Cake (chocolate cake, with chocolate mousse, and chocolate buttercream) to have at a family dinner we were having at our house on Sunday.  I told him no - I could not have it in the house.  The thought made me panic.  Especially since we were only feeding 8 adults total (one is me, and two others don't eat gluten), and a toddler and a baby.  An entire Costco Cake can feed a small army.  That is when Beau shared a concern.  He told me that he didn't think it was fair that just because I was eating differently that he could not have yummy foods anymore.  This was a tough topic.  I am kind of split in two on the subject to be honest.  I don't want a Costco Cake in the house.  I don't need it and neither does really anyone else for that matter.  I even feel conflicted on the idea of baking goodies to promote other peoples bad eating.  I have indulged in a dessert here and there, but it has always been within my points.  I decided that I understood his point, and I allowed him to buy the chocolate cake.  We didn't open it until after dinner on Sunday, and on Monday morning Beau took the remaining (after eating the cake and giving away some) half of the cake to work to share.  I did have a piece.  It was everything that Costco cake should be - including a huge temptation.

I think I have come to the realization that it isn't the 40 pound milestone that has potentially derailed me this time, but instead my poor decisions.  I made the excuse that it was the 40 pound mark that made my thinking change and allow my indulgences this week.  I am feeling refocused and ready for the challenges that come.  I haven't gained any weight (during my weekly weigh ins at WW), so I can still continue to work hard and avoid trigger foods.  Life is good.  There is always going to be yummy foods that tempt me.  I can either choose to make excuses and succumb, or I can be strong and overcome.  45 pounds down tells me that I can do this.  I can do this hard thing and so many others!

Realizations

Yesterday I went to the doctor to get some blood work done.  Nothing crazy, just a check up.  The doctors office has this special chair that they have the patients sit in for blood draws.  It has this arm the lays across their lap after they sit on it so they can rest their arms.  The last time I had blood work done at this doctor, the tray would not lay flat.  It was embarrassing, but the nurse was gracious and didn't comment on my problem.  Yesterday when I say down in the chair, the nurse laid the rotated the arm down and it rested flat. In fact, my belly didn't really touch that stupid arm.  I felt like a rock star.  I have had other realizations like that that just make me feel kind of awesome.  

Our car's seat belts were not long enough for me to be able to plug in across my large torso.  We bought a seat belt extension, and moved on with life.  The other day I got in the car and was able to buckle the seat belt without the extension.  It was snug, but it fit.

When I was traveling heavily for work I bought this coat at the Mall of America in Minneapolis.  At the time the coat was snug, but I told myself I would shrink and fit in it by the next winter. Last winter I wore the coat one time.  That was all I could do.  It was too small.  I put the coat on this year and wear it on almost every outing.  The coat not only fits, but fits comfortably.

I tried on a pair of pants I outgrow long ago and they fit. 

My wedding ring doesn't feel like it is cutting the circulation off from my finger and slides easily on and off.

A shirt I bought over a year ago fits me better now than it did when I purchased it.

I am still overweight, but I am realizing that I am not as big as I once was.  There is a little more room in my clothes, and I like it.

I have really been enjoying listening to Christmas music.  I turn it on while I work and when I am driving around. I have been giving some thought to this Christmas season.  What does Christmas mean to me?  I have always loved the Christmas holiday and season.  I love being able to remember the Savior and not only his miraculous birth, but also his ministry, infinite atonement, and resurrection.  I am so grateful to have an entire month focused on Christ.

Why Not Me?

On Sunday I heard inspiring words from the mouth of a women who has been battling breast cancer.  She is a stay at home mother of 6 (the youngest can't be more than four years old), and is not even 40 years old.  She is not the typical person diagnosed with this, but she did get diagnosed earlier this year and has been undergoing treatment.  She shared her story in church about how she relied on her faith to pull her through this trying time.  One of the things that really stuck out to me was when she told the following story.

About ten years ago she had her son who had a cleft palate.  They underwent surgery and the health problems associated and she often asked "Why me? Why do I have to go through this?"  By the end she learned that we are given the opportunity to learn and grow.  So when the diagnosis came this time she said "Why not me, and what can I learn?"  This was eye opening to me.  Am I so special that I should not have to do hard things in my life?  Why do I ask "Why me?"

When I was told prior to marrying Beau that having children would be difficult because I have PCOS, I thought, why me?  Why do I have to have a hard time.  I have a big heart, and I want to be a mother.  I figured the doctors were exaggerating the situation, but now 6 years being married and no babies I can see they were not.  My body just doesn't want to get pregnant.  This lesson was hard for me to accept.  I thought I was special, so God would perform a miracle so my body could carry a child. I know these are dangerous pathways to hope, but I have faith, so everything will go the way I want, right?  When I tried to lose weight a couple years ago I knew that I needed to get healthy so my body would be in better shape to carry a child, but I think I was still in denial.  I wanted to believe that all I had to do was show a little effort, and then the great blessing would come.  It did not come.  In the end I gave up and went back to old habits.  I was too busy asking "Why me" when I should have been asking, "What can I learn."

This new journey is much more geared toward the idea that I have something to learn.  I have not loved each lesson.  Realizing my addictions and tendencies was hard.  Accepting that I will have to live differently for the rest of my life seems terribly unfair at times, but I am learning a lot about myself.  I am stronger than I thought.  The hardest thing to master for me is self control.  But I can master me.  I always thought that fat girls were weak, I think because that is the stereotype, right? So if fat girls are weak, and I am a fat girl, then I must be a weak girl also.  This lie allowed so many years of self loathing and depression.  I think one of the most discouraging things a person can do is give into stereotypes.  Just because someone like you has done something, been something, or whatever, doesn't mean you have to follow suit.  I think of my future children, and I hope they know how special they really are.  Going to church I was taught that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father.  I stated it every Sunday as a youth, but somewhere along the line I missed the message.  I am special.  Not because I shouldn't have to experience struggles or trials, but because I am His.  I have a loving Heavenly Father who loves me so much He is willing to let me struggle through infertility and obesity, and He hasn't abandoned me. He sent His son to suffer for me and my afflictions.  My Savior knows what I am experiencing.  He has felt every temptation and heart break along this journey.  I have not been alone as I have shed tears and professed weakness.  So, why not me?  I am grateful for the lessons I learn every day, and for a loving Father to help me through this.

Yesterday at my WW meeting I weighed in 6.8 pounds lighter.  I am not sure what happened last week, but this stellar progress brings me to a total loss of 41 pounds.  That is equivalent to the weight of 5 gallons of water, an average human leg, two car tires, four 10 lb bags of potatoes, and the average 5 year old.  I feel great!  People keep asking me how I feel compared to where I started.  I feel better, but there is still a long road ahead.  I am now in wonderland as I have less than 200 pounds left to go (maybe, I haven't decided what my goal weight is 100%).  I am still trying to wrap my brain around what I want to weigh when this is all said and done.  I haven't been in the 100's since middle school.  I am pretty sure I weighed more than 200 by my Freshmen year of high school.  I have a doctor appointment next week, and that is one of the things I want to talk to her about.  What is a realistic and healthy goal weight.  I just keep taking things one pound at a time, but I do need to consider where I want to finish.

Milestones

Well I cautiously weighed in on Monday to find that I had shed 1.2 more pounds!  This meant that I have lost over 20 pounds since starting WW, and I reached my 5% goal.  That means that I lost weight while celebrating three birthdays (one of which was my own) and Thanksgiving.  No small accomplishment.  Who wants to be cautious with Birthday cake?  NOT I!!  But I knew I was on the edge of reaching my 5%.  I had to do my best.

On the 26th I made Beau two of his three requested birthday desserts:  Orange Pop Cake and Better than Sex Cake.  My house smelled heavenly.  I had planned a surprise party for him at his parents house where we would also be enjoying Double Bacon Cheeseburgers.  Needless to say everything was super healthy... I was slicing tomatoes and onions for the burgers when I decided that I needed to try out my mandolin slicer.  So, I pulled it out and prepared to be amazed.  What was truly shocking was the amount of blood that comes out from the tip of one's newly sliced off finger.  No doctor's were needed, but lets just say that tears were shed.  Somehow I made it to the Party mostly in tact and prepared myself for the feast ahead.  I limited myself to one burger, no bacon or mayo, with lots of veggies (even though my self pity was fighting desperately to eat Eat EAT!!).  I even indulged in a piece of cake.  The evening was nice and I didn't go over on my points.

Wednesday was my birthday.  Somehow the day seemed sad at first.  I struggled to be happy and positive.  But I decided to put on my happy face.  My nieces, mother in law, and sister in law, and husband's grandma threw a tea party for me, and even made sure the food was prepared in a way to maximize my points.  It was amazing.  So much yummy healthy food!  Beau let me choose where I wanted to go for dinner, and I selected Red Lobster.  Mmm sea food.  It was soooooooo good.  I had my points calculated exactly so I could appropriately indulge in my dinner and dessert.  Still, I stayed within my points for the day.

Thursday I spent the morning cooking the Turkey, Stuffing, and a veggie dip for Thanksgiving dinner.  I had a lot of fun preparing the food.  It reminded me why I love cooking.  We had dinner at Beau's parents home surrounded by family and friends.  The day was lovely.  I again stayed within my points.

Friday I went to Ikea with my sister in law and nieces.  I found healthy food for lunch at Ikea, and had a wonderful time.  The last time I went to Ikea the trip was really hard for me.  All of the walking was taxing on my body and I was very tired by the end.  I walked all over the store, and didn't even get a cart to lean on (never skipped that before).  We walked out of there with smiles on our faces (and my pockets just a little lighter).  I felt so proud of how far I had come.

Saturday we went shopping.  When my mother in law invited me the initial response that came to mind was "I better not, I won't be able to keep up."  But then I decided to go.  I deserve to have the life I want.  So we went to Walmart, the Woodburn Outlets, Washington Square Mall, and Toys'R'Us.  The only thing that was hard about all the walking were my tired feet from wearing the wrong shoes.  I was able to walk all day.  It was such an amazing feeling to not feel so limited.  I could be social and not embarrassed.  I tried a new kind of food at the mall: Greek food.  It was so yummy - and healthy.  I had a wonderful salad with a light vinaigrette, rice, and this amazing meat.  I also experienced Tzatziki sauce. mmmm  Even thought I was watching what I was consuming, I fully enjoyed that meal.  I think the most exciting moment though was when I went to the Outlets.  We had gone into this cute kids clothing store.  I had finished looking around and came outside to wait for everyone.  My mother in law pointed out that Lane Bryant was right next door.  she asked if I was going to go look.  I have been meaning to go inside and try on the pants that didn't fit anymore, but had been nervous.  So, I gathered my courage and walked in.  I grabbed the jeans, and headed for the fitting room.  I carefully tried them on full expecting to not get them around my hips much less zipped and buttoned - but they did. I won't lie, they were a bit tight, but I did not have to lay down or anything to get them to zip and button.  EUREKA!!  I did it.  They didn't have the cut I wanted in the store, so I will be ordering online.  What an amazing accomplishment.  I almost cried.  So I will be crafting my new outfit, and then I will model it once it arrives.  I am no Heidi Klum, but I am proud of getting to this point.  There is still many more milestones ahead.  I am excited.  Bring it on.

Sunday I think I could have eaten the entire world.  It was like there was no satisfying my hunger.  I wanted MORE!!!  I reigned it in, and finished the day strong.  Monday I went into work and waited somewhat impatiently for my meeting.  Finally when the time came I very cautiously stepped on the scale.  I was so happy.  I had made my goal.  I did it!!

So I think I experienced several great milestones this last week.  I celebrated a birthday, conquered a fear, and lost weight.  Every day is a new trial and I will take them one at a time.  But there is so much to be thankful for and to celebrate.

I have been doing some thinking this week about how my thinking has changed since I started this whole process.  At first I was fighting my self all the time, and now the choices are becoming more and more natural.  I don't have to convince myself so much to make the healthier choice.  I am even allowing myself to consider the possibility of actually being a mom.  My body is not ready yet, but I am working hard to prepare my body to carry a child.  We looked at a house to rent on Tuesday.  It is so much bigger than our home now, and will allow room to grow.  It was kind of fun to think that house may be the one I bring a little one home to.  It will be awhile, and that is okay.  If I lost the weight overnight I wouldn't appreciate it.  Also, I am learning how to take care of my body for life.  I am not making changes just for now, but for the rest of my life.  I am learning how to live healthy so when I have a family I will be able to keep up with them and enjoy their little spirits full of energy.

I was thinking about Christmas today and how much more fun Christmas is with children.  Yesterday we said goodbye to Beau's sister, Tiffany, as she left for Wisconsin.  Her family is relocating.  This means the two sweet girls that I have sleepovers with and pony parties will be a lot farther away.  This especially hit me hard for the Christmas season as we enjoyed their company last year decorating our home, Christmas Tree, and celebrating the Christmas season.  Thank Heavens that Beau's brother Brigham, and his wife Debra, and their sweet family will still be able to spend the holidays with us.  I don't know how I would survive without them.  They truly bring so much joy and happiness to Beau and I.  Oh December, you came so quickly this year - just like every other year!

Perfect Storm

I made it through the difficult week following a weight gain.  So many times I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and eat something fantastically unhealthy.  But no.  I stuck to my guns (what does that even mean?) and made it through the week successfully.  I lost 6.6 pounds.  The moral of the story is moderation in all things is important, even when I have the points available.

Okay, I am a nerd and looked up what it means to "stick to my guns".  It means to remain firm in one's convictions; to stand up for one's rights. (on a soldier remaining in place to fire a gun even when all appears to be lost.)  This is exactly what I was doing last week.  I think it is easy to look at small setbacks as loss of all hope.  Yesterday at my WW meeting we talked about why we are losing weight.  At first I thought, "Don't worry, I got this covered."  I was prepared to tune out, and then my meeting leader told us not to write down why we didn't want to lose the weight.  I thought she was being dumb.  Why would I think about something negative? I gave in and played along.  I don't want to lose the weight because I don't want to make meal plans, or worry about what is being served at social gatherings, and I definitely want to eat all the junk I haven't been eating - in the amounts that I want.  Then she asked us to write down why we wanted to lose the weight. I wrote down about wanting to be able to have a family, having more energy, and shopping at cute clothing stores.  Of course the list goes on, but what I realized is that the reasons to not lose weight have to do with the here and now.  The reasons to lose weight have to do with a better tomorrow.  Mind Blown!

This week is the week of the perfect storm.  Today is my sweet hubby's birthday.  Tomorrow is my birthday. Thursday is Thanksgiving and my mother in law's birthday.  That means three days of birthday cake, birthday celebrations, birthday dinners, and Thanksgiving.  If you have been reading my blog for awhile you already know that I have been worried about Thanksgiving.  So I have come to a conclusion.  I have two options.  I can give in and eat, a lot.  Or, I can make this week count.  I have chosen the latter option.  I am monitoring my points, and I will be enjoying each day with caution before putting anything on my plate.  I cannot afford to lose momentum.  The truth is there will be another turkey, birthday cake, and double bacon cheeseburger. This week is only going to happen once.  I can enjoy these happy times with friends and family without gaining weight.  I can also enjoy eating yummy food without over indulging.  I already know what we are having for Dinner two of the three days (my birthday is still up in the air), so I am going to plan what I am going to eat, and then I am going to relax and have fun.  It is just food.

I am off work this week.  I am enjoying having the time off to relax and decompress.  Yesterday I spent the day cleaning.  It was amazingly therapeutic.  I even cleaned out the fridge.  The feeling of accomplishment is so nice.  I am sitting here in my living room now appreciating getting things picked up.  There is much I still want to do, but I have decided that I am going to hold off until after we have moved.  I am pinning up a storm on how to organize everything (well I pinned them before and am actually preparing to use those great ideas).  The truth is I am immensely blessed.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I can see that when I realize the reason I need to organize is because I have things that need to be organized: food storage, linens, movies and music, clothing, dishes, small appliances, and so on.  Honestly I need to remember how much I have. Even when things seem hard, I still have so much to be thankful for.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe Thanksgiving.  Enjoy spending time with family and friends.

Hurdles

When I was in High School I had friends who ran in track.  One in particular loved the hurdles.  She was pretty good too.  The thought of jumping over something while running seemed like a very stupid thing to do to this very uncoordinated, overweight girl.  But I could tell that with each practice and meet she felt empowered.  I feared what happens if you stumble over and fall down?  One day that answer came in the form of a competitor falling and breaking bones (if I remember the story correctly it was a nasty break with bones sticking out and everything).  This cemented my first thoughts of the dangers of jumping over hurdles.  Sometimes you stumble and fall.  And sometimes you break bones.  So does that mean that you don't try?  That you never put yourself out there because of the risks?

Since I started going to WW I have had the fear of the dreaded weigh in where I gain and not lose.  What will I do?  How will it effect me?  Will I recover?  Well it happened.  I gained 1.2 pounds this last week.  I couldn't believe it.  I even stepped on the scale again to see if it was wrong (it wasn't.).  Then I held a pity party for one, and started trying to blame someone or something for my gain.  I had stayed within my points.  I had been working hard this last week.  What went wrong?  I narrowed down the issues to one of two possible reasons.  The most likely culprit is the Movie Theater Popcorn I ate on Saturday.  I had a lot of points left at the end of the day, and when Beau and I went to the movies I gave in to one of my favorite treats.  I ordered a large Buttery Movie Popcorn.  I was completely within my points, and I stuffed my face.  What I failed to remember is that although I had plenty of points to cover my indulgence,  I consumed a ridiculous amount of sodium and am most likely still retaining quite a bit of water weight as a result.  I stayed for my entire meeting (even though I wanted to run and hide) and listened to some tips and tricks for surviving Thanksgiving.  Another hurdle? Umm... NO!



So where do I go from here?  Beau asked me to promise him that I wouldn't give up.  I may be down, but I am not out.  This happens.  If I didn't earn lessons along the way I would not be able to conquer this hurdle.  I imagine that girl was a little hesitant about attempting a hurdle again, but I hope she healed and went back for more. 

In September we had a family reunion.  At this campground we stayed at there was a zip line that you could ride and slow as your bum skid across the pond below.  The kids had a blast.  As the day wore on the kids decided to try jumping off and landing in the water.  My niece decided to muster up her courage and took the challenge.  Poor thing jumped off too soon and instead of dropping a few feet she dropped like 10 feet to the water.  This startled her and kind of knocked the wind out of her.  She was upset for a minute, but it wasn't long before she said she would get back on the zip line for another ride - just perhaps she wouldn't jump off so early.  She learned from her mistake and was ready to try again.

This is where I am.  I have learned that there is more to food that fat, protein, carbs, and dietary fiber.  There are other factors to food that influence our bodies for good or bad.  I have been enjoying most of the positive results of my dietary choices, but it is good to learn from the negative results too.  Today I brush off the popcorn and move on.

Over the weekend I went to Time Out for Women.  It was a wonderful experience listening to the motivational speakers and being able to spend time with my sisters in law.  Something awesome happened that I was secretly nervous about.  We stayed at a hotel that was about a half mile from the convention center.  This meant that we would be walking to and from the hotel 4 times.  Two months ago this would have been an embarrassingly impossible task.  I did not have the ability to walk any distance without huffing and puffing.  I was fearful of not being able to make the walk at a normal pace - and without frequent stops.  I was able to do the whole walk without issue.  All four times.  I know half a mile seems like no distance at all to most, but to me it meant that I am improving.  My health is increasing. 

Visible Differences

This weekend I put on a pair of pants that I can take off without unbuttoning or unzipping.  No they are not yoga pants!  They are jeans.  A pair I could hardly squeeze into a couple months ago.  That is the sweet results of success.  I love it! 

I was talking to a friend, and she all of a sudden stopped and said I have been trying to figure out what has changed with you.  I thought maybe your hair, but it's your face.  It's thinner!  She apologized for interrupting me, and I told her that she can interrupt me with that news all day.  I want to hear that kind of feedback.

I was even told that my waist is starting to have more definition.  Loving it!  So, it has taken about 8 weeks for people to start seeing the changes.  Thank heavens.  I am feeling a little lighter.  I have a bounce to my step, and I feel like I can hold my head up high.  I still have many miles to go, but I am making visible progress. Winning!

I also had a realization over the weekend - I am young.  Sometimes I forget this.  I have so many friends with several kids and I felt like I was horribly behind.  I thought that we might not be able to have the family we want because we don't have any kids yet.  Maybe we will only be able to have one because we are so "old."  Guess what?  I'm young!  I will be turning 29 in a couple weeks, and that is okay.  Even if it takes me 5 more years to get healthy enough to carry a child, who cares?  Women can have babies well into their 40's.  If I want a big family it is not too late.  Even if we can't conceive our own kids, there is plenty of time for adoption.  I need to stop thinking that all of my opportunities have come and gone because I didn't do something in my 20's.

I have been dreading turning 29.  This birthday has seemed like a death sentence.  I have said many times that I will be having my last birthday because I don't want to be older that 29.  I often dreaded this age thing because I thought that my 20's were such a waste.  I am not where I thought I would be at 28.  Funny how life happens differently than you plan. 

In the Fall of 2006, I returned to BYU-Idaho to refocus my education.  I took those scary steps out the front door and attempted to redefine who I am.  I was 21, almost 22, and I thought I had the world figured out.  I was fat then too.  So my plan was to go to school and work on my education, lose weight, so that by the time I graduated I would look like the kind of person someone would want to employ.  I had been told early in life that overwieght people never get good jobs because people are prejudice against them.  They are viewed as lazy, and therefore not a good fit for employment.  I feared this so much.  What if I stepped out into the big world and no one would hire me.  So, I began my journey.  I thought that no one would want to marry a fat/lazy person either, so I figured that I would lose weight so that someone might want to love me.  I know, this is pathetic.  But it was the way my brain worked/works.  That fall semester I was thrown a curve ball, and met the love of my life.  He loved me for me - curves (lumps) and all.  I still to this day struggle to believe him when he tells me I am beautiful because fat people aren't beautiful.  I did lose weight that semester, but over the next year as I planned a wedding and married my dream man, I allowed the stress of everything to enter my mouth.  I continued my education, and graduated in 2010.  I was able to get a great job.  The only thing missing was the family I desired.  So, I tried to lose weight again to try to get my body to allow a pregnancy.  I did well for several months, but when yet another curve ball was thrown my way, I stumbled - defeated.  I gave up on all attempts to lose weight.  I was hardly holding on.  Through a lot of personal introspection and discovery I have found that I totally use food as a crutch.  I also use my weight as an excuse not to try hard to succeed or excel.  That is why I am not where I want to be.  I allow myself to get in my own way.

Moving to Oregon last year was a really positive change for Beau and I.  I have known since the move that it was time to so something about my health, but I allowed my fears to defer my progress.  Now that I am on this difficult journey I realize that procrastinating making the change only delays my success.  I am in charge of my course.  I can choose to stay on track or I can throw myself off course.  I am constantly having to correct my thoughts, so that I can stay on track.  This will not be an overnight process, but I am young.  I have time to take this journey and do this right.  It is okay if I don't have everything I thought I would have by now.  Life is not always going to be what we expect, but I can make the choice to point my sails in the right direction and press forward.  Today I am working to make tomorrow better.  I will do everything today to make it the best today it can be.  I will be present in my life, and not give up because things are not how I expected or thought they should be.

What my Momma taught me

You know it is funny to go on Facebook and see all of the "I'm thankful for..." during the month of November.  I have often thought about giving my daily "I'm thankful's," but it just really isn't my style.  Honestly I think of many things I am thankful for and then I don't actually vocalize them.  This is definitely one of my shortcomings.  I know better.  I decided that today I am going to share one of the things I am truly grateful for.  My mom.



I should tell you that my mom does not love this picture, but I do.  This was taken at our Sanders Family Reunion in 2008.  I had been married for one year.  One of the hardest I have ever survived (that is a blog post for another day).  My mom and I don't have to even say anything, and we know what the other is thinking.  I can read her expression here like a book.  I love this woman.

 Growing up I remember my mom always being there.  She was always there.  She would get us up in the morning and make our breakfast and lunch before school.  She taught us how to make our beds and pick up after ourselves.  When we came home from school she would be in the kitchen preparing dinner and helping us with our homework.  My mom taught me how to be scheduled and disciplined.  Now I will not lie, I hated everything being scheduled and I was vocal.  I tried to convince her to let me play or watch tv before doing the work, but she taught me work first, and then play.  This is such a great lesson. 

She taught me how to plan menu's and make meals.  I am a pretty awesome cook if I do say so myself, and everything I know I learned from my mother. 

My mother also taught me never to give up - even when something seems hard or impossible.  I remember in Second Grade I was assigned the task of making a heffalump or woozle (thank you Winnie the Pooh) and to right a story about it.  I spent a lot of time creating Crystal (yes I remember what I named it) and didn't create a good story.  My mom saw what I had written right before bed, and told me that I was getting up the next morning and re-writing the whole thing.  I was up and the ridiculous hour of 6:00 AM the next morning telling the tale of Crystal as my mom made breakfasts and lunches, and got herself ready for the day. 

My mom never stayed in her pajamas all day.  She to this day gets up every morning and prepares herself for whatever task is ahead of her. Even as she has aged and experienced those aches and pains of increasing years, she never quits.  She keeps going. 

I have also had the privilege of watching my mom develop her career.  My mom went to a little bit of college, but when the money wasn't there she went to work full time.  When she married my dad she continued to work even after she had me and took me to work with her to work (she was able to since she worked at her parents orthodontic lab).  When she had my younger sister she became a stay at home mom, but never did she act like she didn't have anything to do.  She worked in our classrooms, and helped us before and after school.  She made beautiful quilts and although she would never admit it, she is an amazingly talented crafter.  When my sister was school age my mom started working as a yard duty.  Then she earned the positions of lunch lady, librarian, FAME Coordinator (art program for my elementary school) and office assistant.  I watched over the years as she worked her way to becoming the Principal's Secretary.  She has also put in more hours than she had to in order to make sure that that kids she works with have the best chance of being successful at school. 

My mom never "half does" anything.  If she says she is going to do something, she does it.  Even if she doesn't want to or it makes her uncomfortable.  She is a woman that you can count on to do the job to the best of her ability. 

As I walked to the garage a few minutes ago, I passed my dinner cooking in the crockpot.  I thought to myself, I am so thankful my mom taught me how to cook.  I don't know how I would have ever survived without her.  The woman I am today is because of her.  She taught me to be honest and strong.  To never give up on myself, and to trust in the Lord.  We don't get to see each other as often as I would like, but whenever we are together it is as if we have only been apart a moment.  We just pick up where we left off.  When asked if I like living in Oregon, I always respond, "Yes, I just wish my family lived closer."

I love you mom.  I am thankful for you.  Thanks for being the woman that you are and for teaching me to become just like you.

Monday, Monday

I was raised listening to a lot of oldies, including the Mama's and the Papa's.  When I lived in Idaho the song California Dreaming would often run across my mind as the 6 month winter continued on.  No matter where I live I think of Monday, Monday on Mondays. I think that Mondays get a bad wrap.  It isn't their fault that they are the beginning of the work week, and the dreaded end of the weekend.  This Monday I am feeling pretty good. 

Friday had it's own list of problems as I struggled to recover from Thursday aka Party Day aka Halloween.  Even though I did not lose control I had to push my thoughts back in focus and stop thinking about junk food.  One thing that got me through the day was trying on a dress that stopped fitting months ago.  It is one of my favorites, and I love wearing it.  I slid the dress over my head and it fell right where it belonged.  No issues.  If that isn't enough to give a girl a boost, I don't know what will.

Saturday started very early by attending the 6:00 AM session at the Portland Temple.  Beau's dad had invited us to go with him, and I struggled to get excited about waking up even earlier than normal on the only day of the week I get to sleep in.  It has been a while since I last went, and I knew that I needed to go.  Not to mention Beau had asked me to come with him.  Making the decision to go occurred on Friday night right before bed, and four short hours later I was up again.  I have to admit that even though I was sleep deprived, that was the best thing I could have done.  I love being able to focus on the things that are most important.  Going to the temple allows me to turn off all the distractions that I face every day in normal circumstances and just focus on my faith.  I was centered. 

The rest of Saturday was spent doing something that I have neglected for some time.  I cleaned  my house.  When I was single I used to love cleaning.  In fact, I would become a woman on a mission with a sponge in one hand and my trusty cleaner in the other.  My roommates would joke to stay away when I was cleaning.  It just made me think clearer when I wasn't stressed over the state of my home.  I did pretty well cleaning my own home after we were married until going to school full time, and working full time meant that something had to be put off.  That was the house.  I decided that I could either be a good student or an excellent home cleaner and not both.  Since I have graduated I have found that cleaning was something that was easier to ignore.  The truth is that while I was working and studying I was eating.  Helping pack on these much despised pounds.  When I tried to clean I found that my body hurt more and more with each increase in my size.  My back would scream in pain and my body would tire.  Who wants to do something that makes them feel like an old woman?  Not me!  So I found myself putting off cleaning more and more.  Trying to ignore my house made me depressed which made me eat, which helped me gain weight, which made this whole process a vicious cycle.  There are other things that I don't do as much for similar reasons, but the state of my home is one that bothers me more than the others.  On Saturday I decided it was time to get off my butt and get scrubbing.  I cleaned each room to the best of my ability (unfortunately missing the floors in the kitchen and living room) and then sat down and remembered why I used to love cleaning.  I didn't even mind the back pain that came because it was no where near as bad as it used to be, and I could finally truly take a deep breath and not cringe at the state of my home.  Beau was excited to see the improvement when he got home as well.  It is just nice to have things taken care of.

Sunday we went to church, and afterwards we took a drive out to the area we hope to be living in the next few months.  We hope to move closer to Beau and my jobs so that we can cut down on commute time and cost.  In the evening we had Beau's parents and the missionaries over for dinner.  I made a chicken tortilla soup that tasted pretty awesome if I do say so myself.  I also made a fruit salad with pineapple, kiwi, and watermelon.  It was a nice evening with pleasant conversation and good healthy food. 

This brings us to Monday.  Today I got up and put dinner in the crock pot.  I also found out that we might be able to move into a nicer house than we thought as one is going to be available soon.  This house has a huge garage with tons of storage space, three bedrooms, one bathroom, carpet (I really miss having warm floors!!), and a gas stove.  This sounds like heaven.  I am excited for the prospect of the move.  I think I could use a positive change in housing.  I would also be able to see Beau more often which is never a bad thing.  So Monday's aren't all bad.  This morning when the alarm went off I looked at Beau and said, "Today is my weight in."  He told me, "Well that's a good thing because you have nothing to worry about."  He is right.  Even though my brain told me otherwise, I did not go crazy and eat the world.  I am ready for my trip to the scale.  Bring it!

Party! Party! Party!

Yesterday was a day of parties.  We had a Pizza party and potluck at work, and then my church had a chili cook off and trunk or treat.  Let's just say yesterday was a hard day.  Oh Halloween, why must you be a day all about candy?

For the potluck I had planned on making a fresh fruit salad.  This way I would be sure to have something healthy.  The night before turned into a long night, and before I knew it I was at Safeway buying cookies for the Potluck.  First fail!  I also bought Halloween candy for the trunk or treat.  I did pick out candy I do not like (a variety of toostie roll this and that), so I would be able to resist the temptation.  I left both items in the car overnight, so they wouldn't be in the house to tempt me.  I will count that as a win - I did plan well on the candy.  Then in the morning I did not leave myself enough time to make breakfast, and decided to go grab something when I got to work.  When I got to work I went to the deli across the street and they had a breakfast scramble that had eggs, milk, veggies, and cheese, so I went with that (they didn't add any butter or anything so it was a safer option) and went about my day.  My next fail occurred when I realized I could smell those delicious cookies.  I moved them away from me, so I wouldn't be tempted.  But my ability to say no was starting to fall.  By the time lunch rolled around I was very hungry thinking of pizza and cookies and cakes.  Oy!  So, I decided that I would try to be careful and eat small portions.  I had one deviled egg, one piece of pizza, one mini (cupcake size) pumpkin pie, and a very small amount of pork and pumpkin stew.  I was feeling okay with the fact I didn't go crazy, until I realized that what I ate was a lot worse than I realized initially.  I was disappointed in myself.  But I brushed it off, and told myself that I would finish the day off right.  When I got home from work all of the crap I had eaten hadn't really filled me, so I ate a snack (it was a small Skinny Cow ice cream bar - probably not the best choice but it was easy to grab).  Then I went to the chili cook off and trunk or treat.  There was chili, corn bread, and too many desserts.  I was overwhelmed unsure what to allow myself to eat because my resolve was failing me.  So, I didn't eat anything.  I left, gave my candy to another person to pass out, and went to Subway to buy a sandwich.  I finished the day off strong.  I am still disappointed in myself.  In fact several times last night I just wanted to cry.  I thought I was stronger than this.

Now is time for a little reflection.  I did pretty good for my first holiday.  I didn't lose it.  I maintained control and accounted for every item to enter my mouth.  I also left when I realized I wasn't strong enough to make a good decision.  I recognized my failing resolve.  I forgot how easy it is to get caught up in socializing and eating whatever is in front of you.  I had a hard time not looking at all the yumminess and not partaking.  If I would have made a fruit salad like I had intended, would things have gone better?  Would the potluck not have seemed so hard because I would have had something I could have eaten without worry?  Would my resolve have been stronger when I went to the chili cook off?  I think it is prudent to point out that I was an addict stuck smack dab right in the middle of an addicts dream.  I was surrounded by the things that I normally would gorge myself on.  The hard thing is I still want to be social, and be a part of the party.  Food is going to typically be involved when people gather, so I can't avoid it completely.  I need to find a better way to handle those types of situations.  The next big test will come on Thanksgiving.  I think I will count Halloween as a trial run, and learn from my experiences.  I have a month to find some healthy recipes to bring to the table, so I don't run into this problem again - at least not so unprepared.

I got to see my employee pictures yesterday.  They are awful!  My boss looked at them and asked why I wasn't smiling?  She said for a person who is always laughing and smiling I should have smiled more.  She is right.  I was uncomfortable with having my picture taken and it shows.  Oh well.  Next employee picture day I will be sure to plaster that smile on my face.  Life is good.  Trials and struggles may discourage me from time to time, but I have much to be grateful for.  I will smile.

Epiphany

As I was preparing for my Halloween Party, I received my Pink Polar FT4 from Jenny Hodges is Metamorfit in the mail.  I decided to base this years Halloween Costume on my watch.  I made this plan to dress up as an injured marathon runner.  It seemed appropriate since any attempt I could make at running a marathon would be an absolute disaster.  I created my Marathon Tag to depict this perfectly.  I had band aids, an ace bandage, and make up all ready to complete the injured look.  I had fabric for a sling.  This was going to look awesome. 

Then I had an epiphany.  The reason I was so excited about winning that watch was because of what it represented.  It represents all of the hard work I have done so far, and the path I have ahead.  This watch will help me as I exercise to calculate every burned calorie, and target the correct heart rate.  This watch will help me achieve greater goals in my workouts.  Not to mention it is beautiful pink!  I could not disgrace myself by making fun of the old me.  The coach potato me.  The me that would never run in a marathon or to the end of the street for that matter.  (I was also nervous that my prone-toworry nieces may start worrying that their mother would get injured if she continued to run in marathons).  So I concocted a new plan.  A plan that involved the new me.  The person I want to be.

I am not promising that I will be competing in the Portland Half Marathon in 2015, but the point is, I could.  I can keep bettering myself and moving forward.  Who cares what I was.  This is who I want to be.  The woman that can decide to train and run in a marathon.

Secretly I have always been envious of runners.  The way they fly through the air.  I have never been a runner much less flown through anything but a meal.  I guess you could say it is on my Bucket List.  I have always put down runners saying how stupid they are to be so hard on their joints and knees especially.  I would say walking is so much better for you.  Hysterically I did neither walking or running.  But making running seem dumb helped me be okay that I am not good at running or physical activity on any major scale.  Things are changing.  Anything is possible.

This doesn't have to mean anything to anyone but me.  I tried to explain my excitement about my epiphany to Beau, and he said that I was acting a little crazy and was kind of scary. lol.  I probably was.  But this was the first time I really thought that the world was my oyster.  Now, I am far from being ready to run in a marathon, but I will make it there.  Last week someone asked me what I would say if someone told me it would take me three years to lose the weight.  I smiled inside because I knew the answer.  It is something I have seen on Pinterest, but have taken to heart.

 

So what if it takes a long time.  I am going to get there.  Today is another weigh in, and I am excited (and nervous - lets be honest) for the opportunity to see how this week has turned out.  I am working hard.  I am really starting to see a little extra space in my clothes (which are still a little more snug then I would prefer), but improvement is improvement. 

I wanted to share our scary masterpieces from our Halloween Party.  Mine is in the middle.  I haven't carved a pumpkin in at least 10 years, but I had so much fun!  I got elbow deep in nasty pumpkiny gook and created a work of art - kind of.

Witch's Brew and Such

In the past Halloween has not been my favorite time of year.  When we were living in Rexburg, Beau would spend the entire month of October working at John Deere by day and scaring little children at the Haunted Mill by night.  I found the month very lonely.  We loved the extra money, but it came with a price.  Since moving to Oregon I have found October to be a much more enjoyable month.  Beau is able to be home in the evenings.  I have always wanted to have a Halloween party, but it is a little hard to throw a party when your hubby cannot come because he is working.  This year I decided that it was time.  The planning began.  I have planned a shindig for the family involving a costume contest, pumpkin carving, and yummy food.  I still don't know what I am going to be for Halloween, but I will come up with something.  I have been looking at all of these fun ideas on Pinterest, and some people really go all out, even as adults.  I am impressed!  What are you going to be for Halloween?

This week has been a hard one.  I have been feeling considerable pressure and stress.  Yesterday I realized that everything was fine.  I am fine.  Beau is fine.  Izzie (our dog) is fine.  The house is messy, but it could be a lot worse.  Life goes on.  I think the reason I have felt so overwhelmed has been because I have had a headache everyday, which makes me not think clearly.  Yesterday as I considered making dinner, I was close to giving up.  I didn't want to do it.  Then I realized that if I don't get a good meal I will be even worse off.  I have the power to determine how I feel.  I cannot control the headaches, but I can control how I handle them.  So I went into the kitchen and made Turkey Zucchini Burgers (they tasted like meatloaf on a bun...so yummy!!) and roasted squash, zucchini, and onion.  Having food in my tummy made it easier to deal with my throbbing head.  I think that this happens often for me.  There is a very simple solution to a problem, and yet I sit and suffer instead.  Call it laziness, stupidity, whatever you want, I think it is a failure of taking care of myself.  Sometimes it is easier to forget about me and worry about other things that are going on.  How else does a person get to be as big as me without too much thought? 

I have considered how much I weigh right now, and it is about 80 pounds more than when Beau and I were married (6 years ago).  I thought, well, it could be a lot worse, right?  Then I realized the last time I lost weight I was within 20 pounds of my weight when I was married.  That was 2 years ago.  I have gained almost 100 pounds in 2 years (and then I lost 20).  That is a crazy amount of weight to gain in 2 years.  I really let myself overlook the scale, well I didn't step on it.  I even thought the clothing companies were changing how they were sizing clothes. Can anyone say denial!  But it isn't anyone's fault but my own.  I did this.  Owning this truth stinks.  It hurts.  But the sooner I realize I did this, the sooner I can move past it.  I realized this last week that just as I can do negative things to my body, I can also be positive.  As I considered gorging over something truly sinful the thought crossed my mind that I would be wasting time I could spend losing weight.  I would set myself back, and I have no time to lose.  I guess my brain is finally changing.  I am finally acknowledging that I have the power to choose to live a healthy lifestyle and progress in my efforts of weight loss, or I can make poor eating choices and experience set backs that will require more time to correct my weight.

So as I approach this Halloween time I am going to remember that it is up to me how I will handle this journey.  I control my success and my failure.  I get to choose to progress or regress.  Being accountable is no fun, but the sooner I am the better I will be.  No excuses.  No set backs allowed.  Move forward.

Fallen

Weigh in day arrived and past.  I survived.  I was apprehensive to stand on that scale and reveal whether or not my adjustment was working.  I lost 3.8 pounds.  I feel accomplished.  You know losing weight is a lot more fun when you get a high five or a pat on the back.  I even got a BRAVO star.  Amazingly at 28 years of age stickers still mean something.  There was this lady at my meeting that started last week as well.  She said in the past she hasn't liked coming to WW because she isn't that big, and she thinks that others judge her.  They judge her for trying to lose weight.  When I looked at her I saw a really cute girl, and I wouldn't mind being her size.  But I can understand her wanting to gain control of her life style.  It doesn't matter if you are trying to lose 5 or 500 pounds.  Improving your lifestyle is a good idea.  I actually realized that worrying about what others think can occur whether you are a bigger person or not.  I realized it really is all about perspective.  I think it's great she wants to lose some weight.  I think it is great that she and I can learn from each other as we both work toward a common goal - being the best me possible.

Yesterday I fell at work.  I mean full on face plant.  It was that mortifying moment that I fear every day.  The big embarrassment.  The slow motion fall and then the crash with my fat bouncing all around me.  I almost let myself feel bad.  Then I started laughing, got up, and moved on.  I know that losing 20 pounds does not make a person able to bounce back from this kind of fall, but the boost in self confidence does.  I may not look ridiculously beautiful and wear high heels like a super model, but I am making positive changes, and I can hold my head up high.  I did obtain a small scratch on my foot, and my back has felt better, but I picked myself up off the ground and didn't give up or run and hide.  I am making small steps that are making me better in more ways than one.

Over the weekend Beau and I decided we wanted to have an Anniversary Dinner.  We did celebrate a little at the end of our trip to Utah, but we wanted to go out to a nice meal.  We chose Claim Jumpers.  Land of large portions, and six-layer cake chocolate motherload cake.  This seemed like a scary prospect as I was pretty hungry by the time we got seated, and I have eaten there before.  I knew what I could get myself into.  I looked at Beau and told him that I needed a minute to figure out what I wanted.  Our server came over, and I asked her what would be on the lighter side on the menu.  She showed me that the Nutrition Facts were right on the table.  I was elated.  I immediately started scanning the calories until I started seeing numbers that were not terrifying.  I found a wonderful Alaskan Salmon with roasted vegetables and rice pilaf!!  Success!  They even had Diet Sprite so I indulged in a soda.  I started with a salad, which really helped me keep my hunger in check, so that by the time my plate arrived I was ready to slowly enjoy every single bite. The picture below shows the meal with mashed potatoes, which I did not have, but I thought I would make you jealous of it none the less :)



As dinner completed I realized I had left over WW Points, so I indulges in a piece of Warm English Toffee cake.  I loved every bite and felt completely in control.  No feelings of guilt.  I had made smart decisions and had enjoyed a lovely meal with my favorite person.  He was so patient with me, and allowed me to take the time I needed to make a good choice.

On Sunday I decided to try cooking something new so I set out to make some steak and cheese sandwiches with mushrooms and onions with baked potato soup.  Beau enjoyed his steak and cheese (no mushrooms or onions for him) and he thought the soup was okay.  After he had eaten all of his soup I told him he had just eaten a whole serving of vegetables.  He asked me what I was talking about, and I told him that his soup had cauliflower in it.  He was a little surprised.  I was victorious.  Beau has always said that if you fix vegetables you should hide them.  Mission Accomplished.

Chauffeuring

Today I had the unique opportunity to take a few hours out of my work day and drive Beau to a doctors appointment.  I spent a lot of time in the car driving to the doctors, driving home to get Beau's work clothes, driving Beau to work, and then driving home.  During this time I did some thinking.  The first thing I have decided is that I do not like being a Chauffeur.  The rest is useful information, I think.

I thought again about my instincts when I feel hungry.  This had everything to do with skipping breakfast today.  My tummy was growling.  My first thought whenever it is time to eat something is always directed to high fat, deep fried, fast food, or an equally unhealthy option.  I really felt like a failure as these thoughts started flooding my brain.  I have been changing my habits and eating patterns for over a month now.  Why does my brain still make the quick conclusion that it wants something that will not only be unsatisfying, but most detrimental to my body and journey?  Then some thoughts came into my head: "Rome wasn't built in a day."  "You have thought the same way for years, one month is not going to fix years of stinking thinking."  So there was my first realization.  I am not doing things wrong just because I keep wanting the food I have given up.  I just need to continue to correct those thoughts when they enter my mind.  With practice I believe the correct thoughts will take the dominant place in thinking.

I received my lunch bag in the mail yesterday.  For anyone that knows me well will understand why I chose it.  It is so me.  You will now experience virtual show and tell...lol :)
I almost want to pack a lunch for Monday right now.  I know I am in elementary school again trying out my new lunch bag.  I love it!  Ironically though I always wanted to buy lunch in elementary school.  Sorry Mom, maybe if I had had this beauty. just kidding!

I got up this morning and got ready for the day including doing my hair and putting on real clothes not yoga pants.  Even as I type this blog I feel better about myself.  I am not so frumpy.  If Izzie needs to go outside I won't have to be embarrassed.  I still need a little practice in perfecting my new "do" but all in all it feels great to have actually gotten dressed today.  I am moving in the right direction.

Someone told me a couple of days ago they could tell I had lost some weight, to which I replied "I can't."  She said well you look at yourself in the mirror everyday and I don't.  I told Beau to which he promptly replied, "I see you everyday, too."  To which made me smile a bit.  He was nervous that he would offend me that he couldn't see a change yet. 

I think that for a not as obese person as me 4 weeks would be enough for me to see a change.  I feel a change though.  My pants are not quite so snug, and my clothes in general feel just a little bit better.  My water retention has gone way,way down which I can see and love.  Definition in ankles is a beautiful thing.  My wedding ring fits a little nicer, and I don't feel like I am cutting of the circulation to my finger when I wear it.  I also don't feel so lethargic anymore.  I used to get done with my work day and just crash.  I have a little more pep in my step and can stay up later than I used to.  I still don't love getting up in the morning, but I don't think any amount of weight loss is going to change that.  I love to sleep in, until about 7 or 8 am. 

I told Beau that I want to go to my favorite clothing store when I can fit into their clothes again and buy a brand new outfit.  He looked at me as said, "Well it won't be long now."  I said, "I know!!"  I just want to be able to walk into my favorite store and buy the clothes that make me feel beautiful.  They will still be plus sized, but at least I won't have to buy all my clothes online.  I could walk into a normal store and buy trendy. fun clothes that make me feel good.  Honestly, I don't even know where to shop for clothes if you are not shopping for plus size.  I have been shopping for plus size as long as I can remember.  It was kind of funny when I was in Utah a few weeks ago, we needed to get my sister a skirt to wear to the funeral.  She was going from store to store in the mall, and each store had her size.  She apologized for being indecisive.  I told her I didn't mind, I just didn't really understand why someone would go from store to store.  I have always been so limited in what I could buy that a trip to buy clothes typically consisted of stopping in the one or two stores that carried my size and moving on.  There are definitely more plus size offerings now then there were when I was in high school, but lets me honest - the best selection is available to those that are a bit healthier than me.  While right now that kind of stinks, I will eat it up when I am able to shop in each of those stores. Soon!

Work in Progress

Monday was an anxiety riddled day as I built myself up for my first WW meeting.  I was so grateful I bought my pass early as it didn't really let me make excuses as to why I couldn't go.  It wasn't that I was having second thoughts on my decision.  I wasn't.  WW is the right move for me.  I was nervous to walk into a new place with new people.  I walked in, completed my registration paperwork, and took my seat.  The worst part was over.  Everyone was really friendly.  I was one of the younger people in the room which was a little weird.  Looking around most people looked to be twice my age.  I wondered what they would have in common with me.  Oh yeah, they need to live a more healthy lifestyle and they chose WW to help them.  As I sat waiting I saw a familiar face walk in the room.  A friend from church.  She was signing up the same night as me.  I was so excited to have a friend.  The meeting went as most WW meetings go.  Ironically the topic was change.  Why do we change?  Is change hard?  I thought, "You should see my blog. You are preaching to the choir."  Change is extremely hard at times.  Especially when it comes to the way you live.  Why do we change, well that one was easy too - to improve our situation.  I was grateful my first meeting is behind me.  I can move past it and look to many more inspiring meetings to come.

Changing my eating to follow WW has not been too hard considering I was already watching what I was eating before.  I just count points instead of calories.  I feel like things are moving in the right direction.  I still have my moments where I really want something bad, and a lot of it.  I am trying to work to figure that out.  On Tuesday I had a lot of points left at the end of the day and decided for dinner I would go to Panera.  I realized I had enough points not only for my favorite salad, but also for a yummy pasta.  I placed my order and took my meal home to enjoy.  I realized something as I ate this extreme spread - I still wasn't satisfied.  I was falling into old habits.  One crazy meal made me want more, More, MORE!!  I am glad I was able to recognize that in myself and I won't be making the same mistake again.  Even if I have the points, I do not need to go crazy.  Moderation is key not only for weight loss, but also to help keep my psyche in order.

I have discovered that the hardest place for me to make good decisions is work.  I sit in that desk and I work within short walking distance to Starbucks and a really yummy deli.  This makes me dream of hot caramel apple cider and caramel creme frappuccinos.  The deli has the best mac and cheese ever - not to mention desserts and baked goods galore.  I went over to the deli yesterday to grab lunch and realized that although they have a lot of yummy food, it was hard to chose their healthier options when I had so much else to chose.  Bottom line.  I need to pack a lunch and snacks.  So, I have taken a proactive approach and bought myself a lunch bag.  I went to Amazon and chose the cutest one I could find.  It should arrive today.  I also have a new cookbook that I got at WW that I am going to look through and make a concentrated effort to try every single recipe in it (it is designed for the first 12 weeks of the program).  The book has great lunch ideas, and I need yummy food to satisfy me while working so close to purchasable yummy food.

I also ordered a bike seat on Amazon.  I purchased a bike at a garage sale last month, and haven't been able to ride it because the seat is broken on it.  I used to love riding my bike.  I rode everywhere.  I don't remember loving the ride to school, but I rode a lot in elementary and middle school.  My favorite was to ride with my Dad.  He rode his bike everyday to work that he could.  He passed that love of riding on to me.  I loved riding fast and exploring on two wheels.  I have many fond memories of Daddy/daughter rides.  So I decided it was time to get back on the horse or bike and ride.  Not only will it be good exercise, but it will be something fun that I can do.  Beau talked about getting a bike as well so we can go on family rides.  I joked that we will have to get a child trailer to tow our three legged dog.  There is no way I would try to ride along side her.  She is more uncoordinated than I am at times, and that is saying something.

I decided with all of my success that I deserved a reward for me.  Not a food reward, but something that would make me feel good.  I got a hair cut.  Since I have moved to Oregon finding a stylist has been hard.  I miss my friend in Idaho.  She knew exactly what I wanted!  Well I have found my new stylist in Oregon. She is amazing!!  I felt like a million bucks walking out with my new do!  I am going to have to remember to treat myself from time to time along this journey.  Not only is it important to treat my insides well, it is also equally important to take care of my physical appearance.  I have "let myself go."  I stopped wearing makeup, haven't really done my hair, and hardly wear something besides yoga pants.  I feel better about myself when I put extra effort in my appearance.  I'm not saying that I need makeup to feel complete.  I don't.  However, a little mascara gives me just a little boost of confidence.  Confidence is a good thing.  It is time to start caring again.  It is time to clean up my wardrobe and try. I may not be a model (who really is), but I can still look put together.  I may not be a size 0 (again, who really is), but I can wear clothes that compliment my body.  I have had the thought, "I will care what I look like when I am thin."  Now I think it is time to change my perspective to, "I will care what I look like now.  I don't have to be teeny tiny to start living.  I will care what I look like as I am on this path the the healthiest me possible."  Not easy to remember all the time, but I am a work in progress.

Moving Ahead

This weekend was a struggle for me.  I found myself trying to justify every bad eating habit from before I started this journey.  It was as if this was my last weekend of freedom to eat whatever I wanted.  I even had the thought "Well, maybe I will take a night off."  This was totally a crazy thought.  A dangerous thought.  I made it through Friday and Saturday no worse for the wear, but Sunday I gave in.  I felt sick this morning. Literally.  My stomach hurt, and I had heartburn.  So in an effort to not let myself get any more off course I signed up for Weight Watchers this morning.  I will attend my first meeting tonight.  I have started tracking my food on my app, and I am all set.  This doesn't mean smooth sailing, but it does mean I am accountable to a program again.  I have a set goal and a purpose.  I could use some positive vibes if anyone would like to send them as I go to my first meeting!

As I experienced the pains of my head telling my stomach that it was hungry, I felt exhausted.  I keep feeling this fear that I will always feel hungry, even when I am not.  Part of my addiction was the "high."  My high comes from being totally and completely full.  It makes me feel safe and comfortable.  I haven't had that feeling in a while now.  I haven't completely let go since I started.  As silly as this is, I feel a little lost.  I have had to find other things that give me comfort.  I haven't found a perfect solution to this yet.  I will have moments of peace, but I find myself fighting me about 95% of the day still.  I try to celebrate the moments that I am winning.  That internal pat on the back.  I have heard the statement "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."  The fat girl inside of me, who has not been thin since she was very little (and maybe not really thin then either), says "Obviously you haven't had chocolate cake or pizza or ice cream.  Those all taste really good, and when my high comes from overeating, they also feel really good...temporarily.  I guess it comes down to perspective.  Maybe for me I should think, "Nothing tastes as good as achieving your dreams" (read Why).  Corny, huh?



Seriously though, I need to find a new center if food can't be it, which it can't.  I feel miserable all the time trying not to think about food.  And in this society it is really hard, even if you aren't one to naturally obsess over food.  Consider all of the media: TV advertisements, ads on Facebook, ads on the internet in general.  With the holidays around the corner there is discussion of parties which often center around food.  My birthday is next month (along with Beau, Beau's mom, and Beau's brother).  Not the mention the fact that one of my hobbies/talents is cooking.  I hate to toot my own horn but I make awesome cookies.  Okay, here's something funny.  One of my favorite shows is Cake Boss.  I can't watch it anymore.  It makes me crazy.  I need a new hobby.  Something to take my mind off of eating.

I'm thinking of sewing more.  It is an old hobby, but it makes me happy, and you can't eat while sewing without making a mess.  I also like to scrapbook.  Maybe it is time to start that up again.  Cooking healthy foods could be a hobby too, it is just torture to look through recipes because inevitably I find all the unhealthiest recipes to drool over.  Maybe the hobby will come from converting less healthy meals into healthy ones.  I actually feel more satisfied from healthy food.  I enjoy my food more now then I did before.  If anyone has any fun hobbies to suggest, I am open to suggestion.  Also, if anyone has any healthy food tricks or recipes they would like to share that would be awesome. 

Reflections

Today is the first day after the completion of my 24 Day Challenge.  I have made some great discoveries about myself, and about this process.   I thought I would share.

I have been asked what I am doing to lose the weight, and what was my 24 Day Challenge.  I was introduced to the 24 day challenge by my sister in law, Tiffany. It is a program created by AdvoCare.  Basically you start the challenge with an herbal cleanse, and then finish with supplements designed to help you trim your body.  There is a suggested diet to follow that will aid in your success.  I do not believe in diet pills.  I have had friends and family members take them, and I have watched as they experienced temporary weight loss at the cost of jitters, caffeine highs, and in some cases altered health (can anyone say Fen Phen?).  When I first heard about this challenge I thought it was stupid.  First of all, AdvoCare is an MLM (multi level marketing) company, and that does not interest me in becoming involved.  Also, it is a spendy program.  The initial challenge costs $200 for the basic kit, and more as you add in all the extra supplements to help aid the process.What changed my mind was the fact that doing nothing to help my situation wasn't improving my outlook, and I knew that I would have a support team if I chose to try the challenge.  So, I embarked on this path.  I made the investment, and planned some meals.  I don't think that this is the only answer to weight loss, but it has helped me jump start my journey.  Between a balanced diet (calorie counting on MyFitnessPal.com), and taking these supplements I have lost 16.6 pounds in the last 24 days.

Beau has asked me what my plan is now that the challenge is over.  Will I continue to buy the supplements and other AdvoCare supporting products?  While I do think they are helpful, and they made me feel better overall (my back doesn't hurt as much as it normally does and I have a lot more energy), I have decided to not continue taking them.  The reason for this is I want to know if the improvements I have experienced can only be attributed to the supplements or the change in diet.  I made a lot of changes in a short period of time and I want to know where to attribute my success.

I have decided that I want to go back to Weight Watchers.  I have done the Weight Watchers program in the past and have been very successful.  The reason I am choosing Weight Watchers is for several reasons.  First, I need to have a program that allows for life to happen.  While on the challenge I ended up traveling, going to family events, celebrating birthdays, etc.  I need an eating plan where I am allowed to celebrate and not feel like I have completely fallen off the bandwagon.  Another important reason I am choosing Weight Watchers is because there is more to food than calories.  Weight Watchers looks at the protein, carbs, fat, and fiber content of the document which is very important as well.  I also really like the community that Weight Watchers gives me.  Attending the meetings gives me support, and that is something that I really need.  While Beau is so supportive of me getting healthier, he is not ready to take the same steps.  While he is a great support, I need to surround myself with people that understand what I am going through, and I will get that at my meetings.  I could also say that Weight Watchers is a more affordable option to purchasing the supplements, but that isn't really why I am choosing this option. The truth is I would pay the money if I felt that the supplements were necessary to my success.  I won't say that I won't ever take them again, I am just going to take a break (maybe temporary or permanent) while I transition to Weight Watchers (I could do both if I wanted).

I have learned some other important lessons in the last several weeks.  I do not love drinking my meals.  I like having the option of drinking a shake in the morning when I am rushed and do not have time to pack or make breakfast, but I really like eating my food.  I really like salad.  There is so much you can do to a bed of lettuce it is ridiculous.  I like brown rice and quinoa.  They are so yummy, and great alternatives to white rice.  Sometimes it is really helpful to drink a diet root beer when I really want something sweet and yummy.  You can eat pizza and cake and fish fries and still lose weight - just don't do it everyday and monitor your portions carefully and plan ahead.  You may still struggle everyday with wanting to eat more than you should, but that's okay.  It is okay to have temptations nagging at you.  Don't give up.  Sometimes I have to take things minute by minute in order to make it through.  Don't be afraid to tell the people you love that you need them.  There have been several times that I have looked at Beau and said that I needed a hug or a kind word.  The people that care about you want you to succeed.  I have also learned that it is okay to stand up and say no.  No that doesn't work for me, no I do not want to take leftovers home, no I do not need to finish my plate.  I also learned that Izzie doesn't care how fast or slow we walk.  She is just so happy to help me get moving!

Izzie is waiting to go on a walk!

I never intended to blog about this as I go, but then I found that talking about my struggles actually helped me.  I am really humbled that people read my ramblings.  I do not feel that I am a great writer, and often laugh at the amount of typos that make it on the page.  Thanks for listening...again.