Getting Really Real

A couple of people have asked if I will be going back to Weight Watchers.  Well I went back... a month ago.  I started strong, and then failed...miserably.  I can give you all sorts of reasons why I stumbled, but the truth is I let myself fail.  I didn't intend on succeeding.

I walked into my first meeting back thinking that something would inspire me and I would just naturally fall back into my old habits and routine.  I am not the same person I was before getting pregnant though.  My whole world is centered around my little princess.  And with looks like these who wouldn't be completely obsessed.

But pretending that it is okay to let myself go in order to "take care" of my baby is just not true.  Just like my body needed me to get healthier and lose weight in order to become pregnant, my newborn needs me to care for my body so I can provide healthy nourishment, and energy to play with her.  By not taking care of myself I let her down.  Now I am not going to dwell on this, and let the new mom guilt kick in too hard, but I am going to learn from my mistake.

I told myself that I could eat unhealthy because I am nursing and I would burn off the extra calories.  The irony is that WW makes allowances for nursing moms, and already added in extra points.  I told myself I was too tired to worry about making food for me, and it was easier to just grab whatever was handy.  This usually meant something unhealthy that would make my body feel robbed of necessary nutrients and energy.  I told myself that I did not have time to think about or worry about my food because Johanna needs me every waking (and sleeping) moment, so I better not tie myself up in the kitchen making a healthy meal.  Well all of these things are crap.  Really.  Even the last point.  It is okay to put the baby down for a minute and make myself something healthy.  Even if she gets a little fussy, she will survive for a minute while I take care of myself so I can better take care of her.

The other night I had a dream of a few years in the future.  Johanna was a toddler with a lot of energy and enthusiasm for life.  I can't remember what I looked like or what shape my body was in, I just remember wanting to keep up with her.

I decided to start fresh and go back to the things that helped me before.  I am tracking what I eat.  I am making time for me.  I am planning meals.  I am blogging.  Honestly, I thought this was going to be easy.  It isn't.  I am fighting cravings for sweets and chocolate.  I could go for almost anything deep fried.  But I want to be healthy more than I want to eat cheesecake.  I will make the hard choices one choice at a time.  I will do it for me, so I can be who I need to be for her.

Our little bundle has arrived!

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had posted.  It has been too long.  I guess the third trimester and the time since she was born just flew.  Here is the story of her birth.  It was a miracle.

My blood pressure had been great my whole pregnancy until week 36.  It started to creep up, so the doctor scheduled my induction for the 37th week.  I checked in early on October 10th, and started with the induction process.  After 48 long frustrating hours she had not dropped, my water had not broke, and I was not really even dilated a little.  So they sent me home with instructions to pay attention to any warning signs of preeclampsia.  They also scheduled a second attempt the following

My parents had arrived the evening of the 9th, so they stayed at the house all weekend when we were in the hospital.  My mom was a saint and cleaned my house, and helped with some of the items on my to do list.  They stayed the next week with us (actually they stayed a whole month) and helped me work on the nursery and organize my house before the baby came.

On Friday the 18th we went out to dinner with my parents and smiled as we told each other that the next time we saw each other there would be a baby.  On the way to the hospital my water broke (ironic, right?), but I thought I might have just peed myself a little bit.  Once I was checked into the hospital they hooked me up to all the monitors and then they told me my water had broke.  She was sitting really high (and transverse) so they had me get an ultrasound to see exactly where she was.  Once they confirmed her location they started the medications to induce me.  We kept having a hard time keeping the monitor in the right location, and we were getting weird readings on the baby heartrate monitor.  They called the doctor, and she said to stop all medications for induction and that she would be by in the morning.  When she came by she told me that the baby was not in distress, but she could become that way.  We needed to make a decision, and in her opinion the c-section was the best option.  Once everyone was on the same page we immediately went into the Operating Room, and prepared for the c-section.  When they had me open they realized what the issue we were seeing on the monitor - the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck three times.  She also had meconium.  When she came out she was breathing, but not well.  The pediatrician immediately took her and worked on helping her get some air.  Right before he was going to intubate she started breath better on her own.  I had been nervous to look at her.  She didn't cry when she came out, and I was scared.  When I started to hear her little cry I was so thankful.  Beau pulled the curtain out of the way enough that I could see my little miracle.  The nurse brought her over and laid her right next to my head and I was able to kiss her.  I have never felt so blessed.

Johanna Joie was born on October 18th at 11:49 am.  She weighed 7 lbs 15 ounces and was 20.5 inches long.

Both of us recovered very well from the c-section and birth.  She is a happy and healthy little baby.  We just love her so much.  Everyday I almost have to pinch myself to believe how much I love her.

Johanna with Grandma.

Just after she was born.

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Johanna with her great Grandma (Yaya)

The Hardest Part of Pregnancy

The last week I have been doing some thinking about pregnancy.  I have several friends who are expecting and sharing their woes.  It is easy to get caught up in the cries of swollen ankles, morning sickness, hormones, headaches that cannot be healed through medicine, heartburn, etc.  The list really goes on an on.  I had a friend post the question on Facebook, "What was/is your biggest issue during pregnancy."  This really got me thinking.  What is my biggest issue with pregnancy?

I first considered the time I thought I was miscarrying.  I have never been so scared in my life.  I had spent so much time wondering if I was ready for this little miracle, that I didn't realize how attached and how much I was truly in love.  I didn't want to lose my baby.  Through tears and worry I cried to my Father in Heaven pleading with Him that everything would be okay.  When the doctor confirmed there was no immediate danger to the baby I was overjoyed and knew that this little one was already a part of my life and family.  I would do everything I could to be the best mommy I can.

Next I considered morning sickness and the allergies that caused ridiculous headaches that I could not take anything helpful to find relief.  I hate throwing up.  I hate it.  In fact I would say it is one of the worst things in the world.  Especially since when I puke my face often will swell, and blood vessels burst around my eyes and face which leaves me looking like the loch ness monster or worse. Also the headaches from my allergies left me unable to sleep and kept me in a state of total discomfort and distress.  I think that was mostly due to my hormones and lack of appropriate coping skills.

Finally I considered the exhaustion.  Never in my whole life have I been so tired.  I can sleep for hours and still feel exhausted in the morning.  This may have something to do with waking up all night to go to the bathroom.

Then I realized what the biggest issue I have ever faced regarding pregnancy.  It was waiting 6 years to get pregnant.  The truth is that I may not always feel great, but then I feel her little kicks and all discomfort seems unimportant.  So what if I am tired, I can feel her little hiccups and I know that there is life inside of me.  So I have puked more in the last 6 months than I probably have in my whole life, I have been able to hear her heartbeat and see her move in an ultrasound.  The truth is no problem that I have faced in pregnancy that is worse that wishing, hoping, praying, and waiting for this time in my life.  I may not always be gracious about how I am feeling, but I always come back to how blessed I am.  I do not know why Beau and I had to wait so long.  Maybe I never will, but I do know that I have experienced no greater joy than what I have had during these last 6 months.  The look on Beau's face when I told him that the test was positive, and that he was going to be a daddy.  The ultrasound that confirmed the life inside of me was growing and had a heartbeat.  When we could really see her outline and found out our little one was a princess.  Sharing an ultrasound visit with my mom and dad where they were able to hear her heartbeat and see her move around.  The look on Beau's face the first time he heard her move around in my belly, or saw and felt her kick.  Being able to share with family and friends that we are expecting.  So many moments of pure bliss make every other slightly uncomfortable part of pregnancy seem insignificant and unimportant.

I would not trade one moment - good or bad.  This has been such a choice experience, and I feel so blessed to be carrying this little one.

Growing a Baby

These last few months of pregnancy has brought many changes to my life.  Some things have been for the better, and some have provided opportunities to learn and grow.

The reason we even discovered that we were expecting was because I was so short tempered and well down right mean that one of the theories to my attitude was hormones.  I figured it was just that time of the month, but I was late and Beau thought that our marriage might be over.  So I took a leap of faith and took the test.  What joy and terror was felt as the realization that our lives would never be the same again.  For years I have felt confident in my ability to be a mother, and I wanted so bad to be pregnant that it hurt.  Then I see the affirmation of the miracle inside of me and in comes the floods of doubt and fear.  Can I do this?  Will I be a good mom?  I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready, but is anyone really?

I have already written about the food and dietary changes.  I have not made all of the changes they suggested, but I have not gained additional weight (since the initial increase) so I feel confident that whatever I am doing is working fine.  I have spoken of other health concerns on my blog before.  High blood pressure, insulin resistance, heart murmur, to mention a few (besides the fact that I am morbidly obese).  Due to these circumstances I have had the opportunity to meet with specialists and experience extra testing.  Each time the tests have been performed I have found myself turning to the only thing that has remained constant.  My faith.  Each time an ultrasound was hard to read (I wasn't far enough along, but we didn't know that at the time), or my OB would listen and not find the heartbeat, I would pray and feel the comfort of a loving Father.  This has been an excellent lesson in faith and love.

These struggles with health and hormones have also provided Beau and I the necessity to be open and honest about fears with each other.  We have always worked hard to keep the lines of communication open.  In fact I feel that we speak more frankly to each other due to Beau's inability to read facial expressions and implied meanings.  With this pregnancy and many different unknowns and worries I have worked with Beau to discuss the struggles and find strength in his support and help.  There have been moments that his worries have gotten the best of him, and I have been able to calm his fears.  This brings me to my next thought.

Being pregnant changes the way I think.  Carrying Beau's baby makes me love him more.  I feel so much love and devotion for this little peanut and my whole way of thinking about life and family has changed.  We had a real scare a few weeks ago.  We thought we were going to lose the baby.  I realized that I would do anything for my baby.  Then fears of what could happen to the baby even after birth started to worry me.  Faith is what carries me through though.  I put my trust in the fact that all of this is not under my control, and I just need to keep doing what I can to help carry and raise this child.  I cannot see the future, and I chose to not dread it.

I celebrated my first mother's day this year.  Beau was so sweet and surprised me with a crib.  He set it all up, washed the bedding in baby detergent and everything.  He asked if he did okay.  I told him that as a pre-mothers day gift it was great, but next year I expect something different.  I love how thoughtful he is.  He got the style crib that I like, and told me it is okay if I use different bedding.  I will be changing the bedding, but the presentation would not have been complete without it.

In case you can't tell it is Safari themed.

All in all this pregnancy has been wonderful.  I have definitely had my moments of morning sickness, but I can't complain too much.  I have friends who have been much more sick, so I am counting my blessings.  In a few weeks we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl.  I am just getting excited to meet the little one.  I am still unsure what I am going to do once this baby comes, but I am really excited to learn and love this little one.

Let's talk about food.

Since I found out I was pregnant the goal to lose weight was put on hold.  The doctor told me to focus on maintaining weight, and trying to gain no more than 9 pounds this pregnancy.  I am going to come right out and say I have already gained the 9 pounds.  Not because I am a glutton for punishment, but because I lost focus.  For very understandable reasons (we live in a very law suit happy world) Weight Watchers does not allow pregnant women to continue with their program.  So I lost access to my support system for healthy eating.  On a side note, I really miss them.  I needed to figure out a way to eat healthy and balanced without my online tools and weekly weigh ins.  So, I figured I am a smart person, I will just wing it.  So we moved and my kitchen was not unpacked, and then when it was there was this issue with mice and ants that made the desire to cook rather small.  Eating out was easier than disinfecting my kitchen before and after every meal.  Time for a course correction.

Today I meat with a registered dietitian.  We spoke about healthy eating, and she didn't teach me anything I didn't already know.  She gave me guidelines to eat by that will help control weight gain during pregnancy.  As I walked away from the appointment I found myself getting mad.  I was mad that I had to do things her way.  I was mad that I don't have all the resources I had on Weight Watchers.  I was mad that this diet is more restrictive than what I was doing before I got pregnant and lost over 65 pounds.  I am still a little bitter.  What can I say.  I am human.

Now to turn things around.  I am so grateful that I have this little miracle inside of me.  With each day I am one day closer to meeting my little one and holding him or her in my arms.  So I have to change the way I eat and approach food.  This is not a horrible thing.  I am grateful that I have others looking out for me so that when this is all said and done I will  be able to work on my healthy lifestyle changes having gained the least amount of weight possible.  I am grateful that making smart choices now may help prevent me from having gestational diabetes, or if I do get it the transition will not be as difficult to make.

So you may be asking yourself, what is this eating plan I am complaining about?  Well it is just focusing on whole grains, vegetables, fruits, dairy, low fat dairy, and lean protein.  Not too complicated, right?  Technically that is correct.  I think I just was very spoiled with Weight Watchers because if I wanted to splurge all I had to do was account for the points.  Since splurging is not built into this program I felt like I have no wiggle room and then plan is too stiff.  The truth is, this is how I was eating before.  The splurges were not that often, and they can still happen.  I just need to eat balanced and portion control.

So call it hormones run a muck, or just being tired at the end of a long week, but I think I have found my peace with food.  I am going to make a shopping list, and enjoy good healthy food.  I will also smile because I have a person growing inside of me which makes all of this worth while.  I will be able to go back to the things that were more comfortable soon enough.  Besides this summer I am sure I will be glad that I haven't put on any more weight than necessary.  I am already having moments of being extremely warm and it is April!

Coming soon!

I can't believe it has been 9 weeks since we found out that we would be having a baby.  I had been incredibly emotional and my patience was unidentifiable.  Beau was sure I was losing my mind, and so was I. I can't remember if I suggested it, or if Beau did, but we decided to buy a pregnancy test.  This is always an emotional and typically upsetting purchase.  I hadn't bought one since I had started trying to lose weight.  I wasn't trying to get pregnant, and I figured that it would be a couple years still before anything like that could happen.  I bought the test on a Thursday, and I figured I was wrong, so I didn't bother to take it until Sunday.  I cannot count how many times we have gone through this process. You get your hopes up, you buy the test, you pee on a stick, and then you get depressed.  I just about passed out when the test read "Pregnant."  I took the stick to the bedroom and showed Beau and he just got so excited.  We were in a state of shock.  The happiest shock we had ever felt.

My first appointment the doctor ordered an ultrasound to figure out how far along I was, and we discovered that I wasn't very far at all.  It took 2 more ultrasounds before they could be sure that I was due around October 24.

It all still seems like a dream.  Well not so much the being tired all the time, or feeling nauseated, but talking about baby names and strollers is the most awesome conversation Beau and I have had in a while!  I teared up a bit the first time I saw Beau researching car seats and cribs online, and telling me what the reviews said and what he thought would work.

I knew immediately how I wanted to announce our pregnancy, but I wanted to wait until the end of the first trimester.  We made it to week 11. My friend, Tonya, who owns Hat's Etcetera made these adorable slippers for our picture shoot with Emisue Photography.  Here is how we announced to our family and friends (who didn't already know due to our excitement and Beau's big mouth).

  We count our blessings everyday, and are so grateful for all of the love and support we have received.  I am growing a little miracle.  A miracle that I have hope and prayed for over the last six and a half years.   I just cannot believe how much our lives have changed in the last couple of months.  We found out we are expecting, we have moved, and our lives will never be the same again.

Curve Balls and other hard stuff

Lately I have been a complainer.  Which is totally hypocritical because I get annoyed by some of the Facebook posts I see where people complain.  Yesterday Beau came home from work and I told him that I was really frustrated, but I knew he didn't want to hear it.  He was really patient, and asked me to explain.  I whined about ants (AGAIN!!), and the paint job on the house.  How I felt like so many things are going wrong with our current living situation.  Then I was humbled.  Beau told me there is a lot of good things in our house.  For instance, our cost for gas and transportation has significantly dropped.  Our power bill is nothing compared to what it used to be.  We no longer have to pay city water or sewer, or trash.  Beau can come home for lunch which means the days I work from home we see each other, and all around he is able to save money because he doesn't eat out as often.  The shop we have is perfect for him to work on his projects, and the extra bedroom is great to have a permanent place for guests.  He reminded me that although there is much that still needs work, we are in a better place then we were when we lived in Silverton.

Now when I say I get annoyed by some Facebook posts, I really mean only a few.  I think the ones that bother me the most are the ones that complain continually and never try to find the good or positive in their lives curve balls.  You know what life doesn't always turn out the way we hope or expect.  Even if we do everything right the rain will fall and storms will come.  We must find the good in all of life's frustrations and set backs.



Now as ants fall on my head or crawl on my leg I will admit seeing the good is difficult, which is why I try to surround myself with people that help me see it when I cannot.  We are not here on Earth alone.  Each of us have friends, family, pets, etc.  that can warm our hearts and remind us of what matters most.  So you didn't get the job you wanted, or life is not allowing you take the easy road?  What can you do?  What is good.  If you can't find anything you are not looking hard enough, or you are not creating an environment conducive to finding the good.  I know this may sound harsh, but I am yet to find a trial or hardship in my life that was without a silver lining.  That doesn't mean it was enjoyable or easy.  Just that if we forget life is good then I think we are missing the point.

Counter-intuitive

The best method I have found for getting rid ants is to put down bait and let them swarm and eat it, so they will take the poison back to the ant hill.  This is the most counter-intuitive thing to me. Why would I want nasty, dirty ants crawling around for a period of time.  I want them dead and gone.  My first idea is to spray them, but unfortunately that only gives temporary relief.  For a permanent solution I have to go against what feels natural and right.

There are other things in my life that feel completely counter-intuitive.  A few Sundays ago I was talking to a woman who knows my husbands brother.  She was asking about his family, and we were happily telling her about their two beautiful boys, and there little one on the way.  Later in the conversation she asked us how long we had been married, and when we told her, she said I thought you had been married longer than your brother, and you don't have any children?  My first instinct was to say "How dare you!"  But I realized she didn't realize that she was being rude.  No really, she thought she was making polite conversation.  It took me a few minutes to decide that although she shouldn't have said what she said, I can choose to be offended or not.  There have been many times that I have said something and should have inserted my foot.  Maybe she has never experienced infertility, so the idea that it wasn't by choice that we have waited to start our family.  Maybe she has loved her role as a wife and mother, and no other woman's role is conceivable to her.  Maybe she was totally judging me.  Either way, that is not my problem.  So what?

I am embarrassed as I relate this next thought.  I think that the miracle of life is so amazing.  When I see a woman's belly growing (a friend or family member) I have said that it looks like she is getting big.  It never occurred to me that a pregnant woman could get offended by this statement.  She is growing another life inside of her.  I would be so happy and grateful to add pounds to accommodate for a life that I just didn't see the perspective of swollen feet, back aches, stretching skin, etc.  If I have ever said anything like that to you I did not mean it in an offensive way.  More I am just so happy and excited for you.  Your belly is growing and you will soon be bringing a life into the world.  This is why I am choosing to not be offended by things that people say.  They just may not have a clue.

The Things that make me Happy

Over the weekend I worked hard to put my bedroom and living room together.  My husband's cousin, Jessica, suggested that I work on unpacking my sleeping area as it is important to have a relaxing place to go to at the end of the day.  Such good advice!  I spent several hours cleaning dressers, folding clothes, and organizing.  As I looked at my room I felt a huge wave of relief sweep over me and I love this room more than I have loved one of our master bedrooms before.  (Huge sigh of relief).  I still need to put a permanent window treatment, but other than that my room is complete.  On Sunday I worked to organize the living room.  I am almost there, but not quite.  I unpacked all of our movies since I never unpacked them in our last house, and I constantly wished they were easy to look through when I wanted to watch a movie.  We have built in bookshelves in our living room, so it made it very convenient to organize my movies in an easily accessible location.  It really is the little things sometimes.  The records are all unpacked as well.  Aahhh, so glad that it is starting to look like we live here!

I have some pictures and chotskies that I need to place.  I also want to refinish some furniture.  You know, just some small projects :)  I also need to figure out the other two bedrooms and how I want to purpose and organize them.  Beau says they are the same size, but I think that one is definitely bigger than the other.  I guess this is a problem only a tape measure could truly solve!

On Saturday we had a fish fry at Beau's parents house with his oldest brother and his family, his next oldest brother who was visiting for a business trip, and Beau's maternal grandma and grandpa.  I made a salad and a dessert in my "new" kitchen for the event.  It was wonderful working in my clean and organized kitchen.  I will be honest that both of the recipes were very simple, but it was still nice to be able to have room to prepare food.  We enjoyed visiting with family, and seeing our cute little nephews.  They are growing up so much every time we see them (which is usually about once a month!).  It makes me realize how much our other nieces and nephews grow in between visits.  I would ask them to stop growing, but since my oldest niece is 16, and seems to not be willing to stop growing, I assume none of the others will comply.

At church yesterday I was asked to sub in the class of seven 4 year-olds.  They were energetic and so cute, but man did they make me tired.  I asked them if they thought the baptismal font in the church looked like a large bathtub and they said no, and then proceeded to tell me how many bathrooms each of their homes had.  When I asked them what immersion was, they told me an emergency.  Pretty much the most interesting conversation that I have ever had in regards to baptism.  Our ward is really neat because the children in our ward are combined with the Spanish branches children.  So we sang hymns in both English and Spanish.  What a special experience to feel the spirit as these sweet children sang the words in both languages.

So as I go into my clean room to find an outfit without searching the floor or the laundry baskets, and go into the kitchen and easily prepare a bite to eat, or go into the living room and select a movie, I smile.  I look at all I have and realize I am immensely blessed.  There is so much to be thankful and grateful for.  There are so many things that make me happy.

Checking in

I unpacked and cleaned the kitchen.  I am a rockstar.  Once the piles of stuff to be put away finally started shrinking I started to feel a lot of the stress and frustration just melt off my shoulders.  Now lets be honest, the house still has a long ways to go.  But last night I was able to make a meal in a clean kitchen.  There is not much more that could make me feel relief at this point.  Also, after talking to my mom I discovered a reason that my dishwasher may not have been working.  She told me that not all dishwashers have disposals in the bottom.  Some have traps that catch the stuff that rinses off the dishes.  So I tore it apart and found the traps full of completely unmentionable yuckiness.  I am hoping that things are looking up in the dishwasher department of life now.  Again, I am a rockstar.

So now I need to decide on my next project.  I have three main living areas that still need some attention.  These areas are definitely not as crucial as the kitchen, so the order I clean and unpack them is not important.  I need to finish the living room.  Figure out what we are going to do in our bedroom (I haven't figured out a floor plan yet).  I also need to get the bathroom in some type of order that makes sense.  We also have the office, but since that room can wait as I have a workspace in the dining room right now, I am just not going to stress out over that room.  Then I have a blank canvas in the guest room.  I do not have furniture or a plan for that room so I figure that will be one of my favorite rooms to put together.

Yesterday as I was cleaning a quote came into my head.



I was not in a happy frame of mind yesterday.  Once I finished the kitchen my whole attitude lightened up.  My perspective was fresh and I could face the tasks ahead.  I am grateful for my husband who let me vent to him my frustrations and allowed me the space to work it out.  I am grateful for a mother that could hear my frustration and still find a way to get through to me.

Picking my Battles

When I was a little girl I had a love/hate relationship with my little sister.  We could play for hours, but one small annoyance and we were fierce and loud.  My parents would never tolerate sibling fighting.  I would argue that Janelle had done something, it was all her fault.  My mom told me to pick my battles.  To only worry about the things that actually matter.

Then when I was in middle school I was able to experience life as a fat teenager.  Middle school is not easy for the prettiest and most popular, but it was dreadfully brutal for the person who did not fit the mold.  I remember begging for my mom to pull me out of school and home school me.  I pleaded for three years to not have to face the frustration and bullying that was middle school.  My mom told me that she wasn't going to remove me from school.  My education was too important, and she felt she could not give me what I needed at home.  Once again, I was taught the lesson to pick my battles.  I could give up and cry over the immaturity of others and my over sensitive teenage self.  When I was an eighth grader it was a few months before promotion, and the group I hung out with was less than kind - but I thought I fit it.  My friend in the group told me that the whole group planned to turn on me at the promotion dance and tell me how much they hated me and how stupid I was.  I decided if that was the situation I would do what any level headed and rational 13 year old would do.  That's right, I changed myself to fit in.  I started swearing, and bullying others around me.  I changed my hair and dress to better fit in.  I hated every minute of it.  By the time the promotion dance came I decided that I wasn't going to live that way.  I won't change myself to fit in.  I think that was the first time in my life that I realized that being myself was more important than fitting in.  I picked the wrong battle at first, and when I realized my mistake I jumped ship.  I wish I could say that I never made a choice to try and fit in again, but I would be wrong and a liar.  Those thoughts are for other posts.  I don't tell you this to gain pity.  I tell you this because sometimes we need to pick our battles, and if we discover that we chose the wrong one it is okay to pick ourselves up and fix the situation.

So maintaining my weight is not working as well as I hoped.  Something is wrong with my scale at home because it shows my weight staying the same, but at the doctors yesterday I noticed an 8 pound increase on the scale.  Apparently I am still going about this in the wrong way.  So do I give up and stop fighting for myself?  Nope.  I change my battle plan. My doctor wants me to go see a registered dietitian.  The idea of having another person tell me what I can or cannot put in my mouth at first seemed like a bad idea.  I could do well on weight watchers, do I really need more info?  Well yes I do.  It is time to reevaluate and pick the right battles.  I should not fight the ideas of healthcare professionals.  They know what they are talking about.  No I don't take everything without they say on pure faith.  I do process, but the things the doctor said makes logical healthy sense.

My house is another battle I am currently facing.  I feel overwhelmed by it.  I so far have chosen the battle of disconnecting from the problem.  If I don't look at the boxes or piles of stuff that needs to be put away, then I won't feel this hopelessness of mice in the walls and ants sneaking in through the back door.  I won't notice the seams in the carpet and the staples sticking out of the floor keeping the seams down.  I just realized this post is becoming a repeat of last weeks post.  So I am going to document what I am going to accomplish today, and tomorrow I will come back and account for it.  Baby steps.  I pick the battle of making my home livable.  I pick the battle to make myself comfortable and happy.  I pick the battle to move past disconnection.  Today I will finish getting the kitchen unpacked.  I will finish the dishes and prepare a meal in the kitchen.  I will wash a load of towels.  I will overcome my worries that that house is not going to ever feel like home, and I will make it one.

It's been too long

I thought it had only been a couple of weeks, but it has been almost a month since my last post.  I figure it is time to update everyone on my life and my journey.

A few weeks ago I went to the doctor and was advised to just maintain my weight for a little while.  Although my weight loss has been great, she would like to me to maintain what I have accomplished while we look into a few things.  So, I got excited.  I could add some food back in since the goal was to maintain and not to lose.  So I stopped counting points and believed I could figure out how to maintain on my own.  Oops!  So far I have teetered  back and fourth and not really maintained. This is harder than losing weight.  Trying to find a balance is much more work!  So, I am going back to the basics.  I am focusing on whole grains, fruits and veggies, lean protein, and healthy fats.  I can maintain.  I can do this!

We moved into our new place to us a week and a half ago.  I was really excited for all of the updates and fixes they were doing to the house, and they completed their updates.  What is nice is that it is a blank canvas, and because our landlords are easy going, I can fix the things and make this place my own.  We plan on living here for a while so it will all be worth it.  The truth is I am happy we moved here.  I am happy I am able to make it mine.  I am happy that I can make this place better.  I am happy that I get to learn some new tricks along the way.  I wish that home projects didn't make Beau anxious, but there are things he does that worry me.  After six and a half years married I have learned that we don't have to agree on everything.  We just need to agree on the important stuff (which we do)!

We enjoy our new church ward.  In the town we live in there is a large community for Senior Living.  The majority of this community lies within the boundaries of our ward.  So you could say that Beau and I are among the younger crowd in the ward.  We are definitely the youngest married couple without children.  We like all of the older people though.  They are so warm and friendly coming up to us and welcoming us in.  Something else that is a perk for Beau is that because there aren't very many kids (in comparison to our last several wards) it is much quieter and far less distracting.  It is nice being able to sit down with those we worship with and pick up were we left off from our last ward.  I love that about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  It doesn't matter where you live, we are all studying the same materials during the year.

So I guess life isn't all that exciting as of late.  I will post more as I work to maintain my weight.  I am going to be accountable for the struggles I am facing.  Not because I have to, but because I can do this.  And if I can do this, anyone can!

Day of Love

Yesterday I was grocery shopping at Walmart and as I walked past I saw 30 men staring very earnestly at the chocolate boxes trying to decide which one was right for their special someone.  I kind of laughed inside.  Trying to find Beau a gift he thinks is cool or special can be a real task at times.  I try to approach things from his point of view.  He always seems appreciative, but I always wonder if I could have done better.

Eating healthy on V-day is tough work.  If you go out many restaurants will have special items to celebrate the love of their patrons, the stores are covered with chocolate and candies and goodies.  Even the exchanging of valentine cards is often accompanied by a sweet something.  I am grateful I am working from home today.  I don't know if I could resist all of those sweet treats!

I decided to try a new doctor since my back pain is not improving.  I found a doctor that does both acupuncture and chiropractic.  He examined my back and did some strength testing.  He determined that I have strained my back, and that I am having significant muscle spasms.  Finally I know that I am not being a baby, and I am not crazy.  I am in fact injured.  He said that it will take a little while to get things fixed, but he believes he can help me.  Finally someone who spent enough time to look into what I was saying and experiencing!

This week I made it to a total weight loss of 64.6 pounds (which rounds up to 65 pounds on my little ticker above).  I am in shock a little bit.  I asked Beau if he could believe that was how much I have lost and he told me, "YES!  You have worked your butt off!"  I guess quite literally I have been working my butt off.  It is just funny because these milestones occur and I feel surprised each time that the number is correct.  Losing 64.6 pounds has been a long hard journey.  Just this last week I was driving home from work and found myself stuck in a huge traffic jam caused by a collision earlier in the day.  As I slowly inched my way along the freeway I passed so many food establishments.  Each one called me by name.  They "wanted" me to come and unload my burden on their tasty offerings.  But I continued to drink my water and hope to get home soon.  By the time I made it home (2.5 hours later) I really had to go to the bathroom, but I had not cheated.

I was able to go and see the progress that is being made on my house.  Things are slowly coming together.  They have painted the walls, and torn out the carpet.  There is still much to fix, but I was able to get some pictures so I could remember where things are, and what the basic layout is.  I am so excited to be able to move in when everything is all cleaned up.  I am also very excited for a shorter commute to work.  Every day I drive out of Woodburn for Silverton I think, "If we were in the new place, my commute would be over now!"  The drive to and from Lake Oswego is tiring.  Especially when the traffic is so bad!

I have continued to take things day by day with my eating.  I feel inclined to splurge all the time.  I find myself having to constantly refocus my plan.  I know that once we get into our own place at least life should get a little more normal, right?

Perception

When I look in the mirror I see a shrinking me.  I feel so accomplished and amazing.  Then I look at each lump and bump and think, "Wow girl!  You have a long way to go!"  But I look in the mirror again and I don't see the fat blob of a person I used to be.  I see a woman who is setting goals and reaching them.  I see a woman who has fallen down and picked herself back up to keep going.  This woman in the mirror is masterpiece full of imperfections that are slowly being refined and overcome.  I am beautiful.

I have never been a person who felt especially pretty.  I can really only remember one moment in my life that I felt completely beautiful.  It was on my wedding day when my husband saw me for the first time in my wedding gown.  The look on his face was unmistakable.  I knew in that moment that he only had eyes for me.  Now I was wearing the most expensive dress I have ever owned, and my hair and make up were done just right, but I was still the same me I am every other day.  Why did I feel so beautiful?  It was my perspective.



With this thought in mind I would like to share a few thoughts of my own.  I was always the fat kid at school.  I remember being taunted by the other children for my size.  I even remember the first doctors appointment where my mother was told to limit my eating.  I was in first or second grade.  I didn't know a lot of things, but I knew the doctor told my mom I needed to lose weight.  Now I won't say the doctor was in the wrong in helping my mom devise a plan to help me be healthy.  Perhaps the approach could have been improved.  Maybe I should have not been present for the conversation.  Maybe I was too sensitive.  I don't believe that was the first time I had been made aware of my size.  I am sure I knew, but I do believe that was the first time I thought I had a problem.  That was the first time I felt not good enough. So I began my first modified eating plan.  All I can remember were half sandwiches at lunch instead of whole.  I felt deprived and confused.  Everyone else could have a whole sandwich.  Why did I have to be different?

I was never incredibly athletic.  I could shoot hoops and make baskets.  I could hit a ball with a bat, and I could kick the ball in kickball.  I jumped a mean rope though!  My younger sister was the tall skinny one.  I always felt like the expectation was for her to be the athletic one.  I wasn't that tall, or lean, so I didn't feel any great expectation.  I did enjoy a more sedentary lifestyle, but was always encouraged to play outside.  I enjoyed family bike rides, and rode my bike all over to friends homes and school.  I guess my perception as a child was that I was the fat kid.  The one always picked last for a team, and always considered the weakest link.  So I lived up to what I perceived everyone else thought of me.

When my first niece was born I wanted her to never question if she was good enough.  I called her princess, and told her she was beautiful.  When my second niece was born I saw the need even greater for her.  She had someone in her life that called her names and put her down constantly.  I tried to always let her know just how special she was.  I don't know if that made any impact to either of my beautiful nieces, but I always tried to let them know just how special they are.  When my nephews came along I realized they needed the same reassurances.  They are talented and energetic young men who have such a love of life.  I can see the impact of the negative influence in their lives.  These wonderful children don't believe you when you tell them the are wonderful.  I bet they don't realize that people can see it in their eyes, but it is there.  You are more than what you perceive yourself to be.  Do not limit yourselves!

So what is beauty?  Is it having a perfect body and perfect skin and hair?  Is it having perfectly toned muscles?  Or is it something much deeper?  I am not beautiful according to those standards.  I don't have to feel ugly though.  Beauty comes from overcoming obstacles when all hope is lost.  Beauty is a smile or a handshake given without malice or judgement.  Beauty comes from sharing our talents with those around us whether that means being a good friend or playing the violin for a small audience.  Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.  Growing up there was a very kind older man in my church who would come up to the girls in my circle of friends and take the time to shake our hands, look us in the eyes, and call us princess.  When I go home and see him, he still takes the time to come up to me and shake my hand and ask how his princess is.  That is beautiful.

I guess the greatest reason that I know that being beautiful is so much more than looks comes from my faith.  
I know where I come from.  I am a daughter of God.  With this comes great blessings and great responsibility.


I know that I do not walk alone.  I know that I can correct my course and start fresh.


And most importantly the reason I am the woman I am is because...

Beautiful, Glorious Snow!

A rare snow flurry has blanketed Northwest Oregon and it is beautiful.  I truly love the look of the perfect white flakes falling from the sky.  In Idaho I would catch them on my gloved hand and look at their beautiful and unique patterns.  The clean white blanket feels like a fresh start.  Like the whole world gets to start with a clean slate.  Besides the ridiculous cold that typically accompanies such weather, I enjoy watching the snow fall from inside my warm house.

At times I wish for the same kind of fresh start in my own life.  I think of the what if I had... and find myself longing for the past me to have made different choices.  The most common are the choices made when I gave up on changing my lifestyle in the past.  I think to myself how different my life would be had I not given in.  As I have worked through the journey I have finally come to the realization that I am grateful that I am fat.  I have learned so many lessons about myself that I may not have if I had been healthier.  Now that being sad, I don't plan to stay fat so I can learn more about myself.  Changing my habits and routines has opened my eyes to what life could be like as I keep moving forward.

I have started working on retraining my dog.  She is a sweetheart with a crazy habit of annoying everyone around her by jumping, licking, etc.  I want to have a calm dog that walks nicely on a leash and can be around people without disturbing the peace.  As I have been reading about do training I realize that I have to train myself as well as her.  I have to be consistent and calm as I guide her toward correct behavior.  I have never considered the need to train myself as I train her.  I always thought it was her fault that she was crazy (well I did blame myself for not training her, but I never thought my reactions to her behavior were only increasing her bad behavior).  I have high hopes for correcting her and leading us both to a much more peaceful coexistence. She is a part of my family, and I do adore her very much!

I am happy to report that I have been doing well since my last slip up.  I am focusing on my water and fruits and veggies.  I am feeling good and in control.  Just taking things one mouthful at a time.  

The Great Binge

Yesterday around 2:30 PM I caved.  I have had sciatic pain for the last week and a half.  I had to cancel Bunco with friends due to weather.  I am living out of boxes and suitcases.  I wanted to feel comfortable.  I returned to an old friend.  Not a friend that gives you strength to keep going.  I visited a friend who lets you justify all of the wrong choices.  You know the one I am talking about.  The one that tells you that everything will be okay if you just let your guard down for one minute.  The one that is a liar.  A thief of all things good and positive.  And I returned to the one thing that always feels good.  Food.

It started with just one WW snack bar.  It tasted good, and I justified a second, and then more.  I just couldn't get enough.  I needed more.  The more I ate, the worse I felt inside.  I knew I needed to stop, but that little liar in my head said that if I have just one more everything will fix itself.  When I finally stopped I had consumed 2 bags of WW Popped Cinnamon Swirl Crisps, 6 WW Mint Cookie Crisp mini bars, 4 WW Chocolate Pretzel Blast Bars, and 1 WW Marshmallow Brownie Crunch Bar.  That is a total of 24 WW PointsPlus.  I was defeated.  I also had a tummy ache.

I decided that I had ruined everything.  I had wasted the last 5 months killing myself to have it all ruined in one afternoon of self doubt and pity.  We had a wonderful stir fry dinner, and I hid my disappointment in myself.  After dinner Beau asked if I would take a drive with him, and I spilled my guts.  I thought he would be disappointed or mad at me.  He told me that I had returned to what felt comfortable.  Just like any other addict would.  He told me then that I told myself the lies that made me feel safe in hiding my error.  And just like any other addict hiding would not fix my problem.  So, I brushed it off.  What was done was done.  I could not remove the error without causing harm to my body, so the necessary response was a correction to my path.  I decided to make a plan so today would be better.

I had oatmeal and fruit for breakfast with nonfat milk.  For lunch I ordered Chicken, vegetables, and brown rice from my favorite Thai restaurant (by work).  On my way home from work I stopped by the grocery store and grabbed some things that would be appropriate snacks, and binge proof.  I purchased a bunch of bananas, 3 pears, and 3 oranges.  I have already eaten one banana.  I am taking back my power to chose what will and will not happen in my weight loss journey.  So I stumbled.  I picked myself back up and am correcting my course.  I am also acknowledging that I am human.  I gave in, and I learned from it.  The food did not make me feel more comfortable.  It did not remove my back pain.  It only increased my internal struggle.

So there.  I am letting it all hang out.

Rant!

You know it is always funny to me to see the media try to tell us how to live, and what is and is not acceptable.  I read a blog yesterday that ridiculed woman who were married and had children as they are giving up on their potential to leave a legacy.  It is crap.  What it means to be a feminist, and what it means to not be a feminist.  I like to consider my thoughts progressive.  I do not like the idea that there is only one way to be.  So I am going to go on a rant.  These opinions may not be popular, but they are mine.  I do not ask you to agree, simply to respect my opinions as I will respect yours.  You can stop reading here if you want.  I won't be offended.

Growing up I was surrounded by influences that taught me that the only way a woman could fulfill her life's purpose was to get married and become a mother.  While I admit that I have accomplished the first part of this, I desire to fulfill the second.  I want to be a mom.  But I am much more than that.  I saw so many shining examples of accomplished woman who fulfilled the medias expectation of "doing something with their life" while being a mom.  I believe that being a stay at home mom is not a waste just as working outside of the home is not a waste.  I think many people consider those who chose to stay at home and raise their children as throwing away the towel and not living up to their potential.  This is just not the case.  Can you honestly tell me that a mother raising her children to enter society and be upstanding contributing citizens is a waste?  Now this may mean that woman is not discovering the cure for cancer, but I would argue that there is only a small percentage of people in this world capable of such a feat.  What if that woman is raising a child that will find a cure to major disease or illness?  What if she is raising a child who will grow up to be the president of the United States, or another influential politician.  What if she isn't.  What if her kids will grow to be no more than an average citizen.  I think we discredit how important each member of our community is.  We all play a part in contributing to those around us.  Why do we belittle and demean the significance of each person?

What about the women that work and have families?  I don't believe there is a cookie cutter one size fits all way of living.  Some families have stay at home dads.  Some mothers are single parents doing everything they can to provide for their children.  Maybe that means that her children have to go to daycare.  So what? I have seen many wonderful mothers who work outside of the home.  They raise good children who become good people.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that I admire those women.  Not only do they have the responsibilities of child rearing (whether they share this responsibility with their spouse or not) and they also go to work to help provide.  I don't think whether this is an optional choice or necessity changes whether or not a woman is a good mother.

I haven't mentioned all of the circumstances that women find themselves in.  There are so many.  My main point it that I think I am a feminist.  In my own right.  I believe that a woman can be a mother, wife, employee, employer, and any combination in between and still be living up to her potential.  I don't think it is anyone else's business why someone has "chosen" to live one way or another.  It isn't "our" business.  A woman should be able to chose what works best for her and her family.

I was once standing in a room of several woman looking at our current situations.  I mentioned that I feel judged because I had been married for several years and do not have children.  Another said she felt judged because she had her children too close together, and another felt judged that she had too much space between her children.  One had too many children, and one not enough.  One is judged for working, and reversely another judged for not working.  I hope you get my drift.

When I think of feminism and women's rights I think that these are important because we should have every opportunity in life that will help us be successful.  I am not talking about hand outs.  We should work hard for what we need.  A man and a woman should have that equal opportunity.  That being said I also think we should realize the there are anatomical and physiological differences between men and women which make our abilities different.  Instead of complaining about these "limitations" I think we should embrace them.  I love that my body is different than a mans.  These differences are what allows my body the opportunity to create life.  These differences also prevent me from growing a beard and a mustache.  Thank heavens!  Not to mention chest hair!  I think that we should celebrate our differences and embrace our common abilities.  Women are not held back from working, voting, owning property, etc.  There are still areas where woman will hopefully gain equality.  It takes time.  We will get there.  But denying our anatomy and screaming feminism is not going to change anything.

End Rant.

I did it!

Yesterday was a great day for me at Weight Watchers.  I celebrated my 16 week anniversary of going to meetings as well as losing my 10%, and I haven't missed one week since I started.  In that 16 weeks I have lost 42.6 pounds, reached both my 5% and 10% goals, conquered fears and changed habits, and have gained a lot of personal insight.  I was pretty excited about my progress.  Ironically we discussed celebrating victories that do not involve the scale.  I sat in my chair and smiled to myself.  I have so much to celebrate, but don't worry I won't bore you with the details because I talk about a lot of the milestones I have experienced so far.  The big thing to me was realizing that I have conquered the unconquerable number.  I have lost more than 50 pounds.  In fact, in total I have lost 58.  That is the most weight I have ever lost at one time.  I'm not done either.  There is no giving up going on here.  I am energized and ready to keep going.

 
What I love about WW is the community.  The people that build me and inspire me.  There are so many people in so many different situations.  We all have completely different lives, but have one thing in common: we want to be healthy.  That is pretty awesome.  Each one of us experience different hurdles along our journey and struggle through different set backs.  But we all understand what the successes and the failures mean to each other.  I really am glad that I made the decision to go back to WW for my long term weight loss goals.

There is a chair at my in-laws that I typically avoid.  It is a beautiful dining chair with arm rests.  Before I wouldn't sit in it because I didn't fit.  My wide hips just barely allowed me to sit on the edge of my seat.  Last week it was the only chair available in the living room, so I sat on the end.  Then I realized that I could sit further back.  Then I realized I could rest my back on the back of the seat.  I fit.  I smiled inside, and then found myself sitting in it and the other one just like it several more times.  I don't know if it was that I couldn't believe it, or I was just so darn proud of myself!

I did succeed at removing the carpet from the car.  I had help, but I helped too.  I didn't run away or allow someone else to do it all for me.  I pitched in and got dirty.  We are still working to get the carpet dry, but we are headed in the right direction.  The smell seems to be alleviated from the interior of the car which makes me a very happy person.  I just have to make sure the smell is gone from the carpet and padding, and then I will restore the carpeting in the car.  Until then my ride is a little louder!

I really do feel truly blessed in my life.  I may be living in someone else's home, and I may not be down to my desired weight, but I am blessed.  I am learning so much about myself in this journey.  Each day is an opportunity to smile and be proud of my accomplishments.  I know that I couldn't do this without the support I have.  My support is amazing!

Rise Up

I am not really sure what to write about today.  I feel like a post is in order, but I don't have anything mind blowing or even partially entertaining to report.  I lost 2.8 pounds this last week, so I have recovered from my weight gain last week.

Over the weekend I detailed our "new to me" car.  There has been an unpleasant smell in it since we purchased it, and I have been waiting until we were moved out of our old place before tackling the project.  Beau helped me take all of the seats out, and I spent several hours Saturday scrubbing and cleaning the carpet to rid the smell from the car.  After those several hours, back and neck pain, and a carpal tunnel flair up the smell remains.  I wanted to cry.  I decided that I am going to need to take the carpet out and replace the padding, and that should alleviate the problem (after additional scrubbing on the carpet).  Back when I started my journey I never would have considered taking on this kind of project.  My body would complain and struggle too much with the task.  There is still a part of me that wonders if I am up to the task.  The task involves removing all the seats (again) as well as removing the center console and other trim pieces to free the carpet.  I have never attempted something like this before.  I got to thinking about it, and I realized that since I got married I have not really tried these kind of projects because Beau can and is much better than me at them.  I have released my independence and allowed myself to become dependent.  Now I don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing in all cases as we are married, and it is good to rely on each other.  But I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel proud of who I am.  If I am constantly allowing Beau to do things for me I am denying myself.  So this weekend I will tackle the scary task of working on my car...again.

I think my approach to the car situation really sums up a lot of my life - especially the last several years.  I have taken a back seat approach.  I was merely surviving through the daily tasks I was faced with.  I was easily defeated, and gave in without a fight when I did not "seem" equal to the task.  Why did I give up?  Why was I so weak?  I could write it off and say it was because of the weight, or other unfortunate aspects of my life.  I don't really think that is the answer though.  I gave up.  I didn't think I was.  I called it surviving.  It was not survival it was throwing in the towel.  I made excuses that satisfied my conscious and let go of the things that make me who I am.  I wasted a lot of time feeling sorry for myself.



I am afraid of failure.  This fear has allowed me to cower and hide when tasks seemed even the slightest bit beyond me.  I would rather never try then try and fail.  Well that is the old me.  I can try and fail, or I can try and succeed.  Is it really worth giving up the chance of success just because there is also a chance of failure?  I think of little babies as they learn to walk.  They are unsteady on their feet and often fall down.  Yet they get back up and try again.  In the scriptures we are told to be as little children.  I think that applies to more than just faith.  Little children are not afraid to fall down, or to make a mistake.  They pick themselves back up, brush of the dirt, and try a new path.  What is the worst thing that could happen if I fail?  Possibly I might embarrass myself.  But is everyone else so perfect that they don't fail in one way or another?  I also feel like I can't start something unless I have all of my ducks in row first.  That is another misconception.



So starting today, right now in this moment, I am going to stop being so scared to stumble and enjoy the successes with the failures.  I am going to put myself in situations that I would typically avoid.  I am going to become the woman that I want to be, not the one I think everyone else expects me to be based on my size, shape, education, gender, religion, family, etc.  I am going to be true to the woman inside of me.  I am going to rise up and become the person I am meant to be.

Toilet Paper, Acupuncture, and Weight Gain

What do these three things have in common?  I am going to write about them - that's what!

Back last July I measured myself to see exactly where I was in regards to measurement not just weight.  I was half heartedly startling a cleanse and hoping that by some miracle that just putting forth the smallest amount of effort I would see drastic results.  Shockingly I did not.  Well I lost that piece of paper, and when I was packing last week it turned up again.  I had hid it so no one could find it (apparently including myself).  I realized that back in July I weighed 2 more pounds than I did in September, and I retook my measurements to discover I have lost 16 inches.  I thought this was a very small number considering the fact that I have lost 50 pounds.  I was discouraged.  Then I thought about toilet paper.  When you pull out a brand new roll of toilet paper it seems to not get smaller for a long time.  The size of the squares are equal, yet the rate in which the toilet papers circumference decreases is not.  That small square does not make as big of a difference when the roll is full compared to when the roll is almost empty.  I compared this to my body.  I am a large person, so the pounds coming off will not have as dramatic an effect in the beginning as they will down the road.  I do not need to despair.  Although strange and a bit septic, this analogy helped me come to terms with another aspect of my journey.  Ah, peace is restored once again.

Yesterday I went in for my very first ever acupuncture appointment.  I was really excited until about lunch when the realization sunk in and I became nervous.  What was I thinking?  I drove over to the doctor's office, and put my big girl panties on and found some courage.  I have several things that acupuncture can help with (apparently), but my main concern is my neck and back pain.  I feel like the limitations it places on my life are no longer acceptable.  As the acupuncturist walked me through the procedure I was calmed and reassured.  I came out feeling a bit sore (apparently it works your muscles), but a lot less tense.  I could feel a huge difference in my muscles that way.  Also, I was really not excited about needles being placed all over my body.  The needles are so small that if I felt anything it would be a small pinch that would quickly go away.  So, I will be going back next week for another appointment.  I am not 100% sold yet, but I am not deterred so I will keep going for now.

Now for the accountability moment.  I gained weight.  Last week I ate according to plan, but was not as careful about eating my fruits and veggies and complex carbs.  I feel this impacted my weight gain, but not to the degree that I gained.  For the last couple of months (only on Mondays) I have started to starve and dehydrate myself in preparation of my weigh in.  This resulted in a very unhappy me, and as I thought more about this decision I realized that I cannot live every week this way.  It makes Monday dreadful, and I really need my weigh ins to be a positive experience.  So I gathered my strength and accepted the weight gain potential and drank all the water I wanted, and I had a very satisfying lunch.  When I stepped on the scale and saw the 2.4 pound increase I was only slightly disappointed.  I actually felt really proud of myself for allowing this positive change in my routine.  Since this is a life change I need it to be sustainable.  Next week I will be able to continue eating and drinking my water and will not have to worry about the effect on my weight loss because I already took the hit.  Monday night Beau and I went out to dinner and I indulged on chips and salsa.  I tracked everything when I was done, and felt really happy that I had allowed myself the indulgence and lived through it.  Yesterday was business as usual, and I feel more energized to keep going.

We moved over the weekend.  It was not fun!  Things were looking fairly bleak until the youth in my church showed up with their families and went to work.  Not only did they get my house packed, but they also helped me clean.  I have never accepted help to clean a home during a move, but I have never been so grateful for service in my life.  There is one last load of a couple odds and ends that will be retrieved today, and then the move-out will be complete.  We still have the move-in to our new place to worry about, but it is not ready yet, so in the meantime we will be staying with Beau's parents.  I am so grateful for their generosity in letting us stay here as we wait for our place.  I don't know what we would do without them!

So that is what is going on.  Nothing too exciting here, but life is good.  I feel truly blessed to have good friends and family who love and support us .

Moving Stinks

So this week has been all about moving.  I am proud to say the worst of it is packed, except the kitchen.  I will be attacking that this evening since people from our church will be here in the morning to move us.  I am excited for the end result of the move (living in a larger 3 bedroom house with gas appliances, lots of storage, shorter commutes and carpet), however, the packing up and getting things there is not fun.at, all.  In some ways it kind of feels like Christmas seeing things that I don't look at all that often.  That is probably a sign we could live without it, but I am not ready to part with most of it yet.

I did not make any freezer meals, and have not purchased groceries (except for Beau's precious Coca Cola and a few oranges) in a few weeks in an attempt to decrease the volume of food we will be moving.  It has worked well except for the fact that I have eaten rice every day for a week now.  I told Beau I am not cooking tonight and I am looking forward to something else to eat!  I have cooked every day which is something I am extremely proud of since I have never been that good during a move before.  Not only has it saved us  money, but it has also helped me make sure I am eating good food.

We will be living with Beau's parents until our house is ready for us.  We are hoping that it will be just for a few weeks (we don't want to outstay our welcome).  In the mean time I have continued to pin ideas for our new place.  I am really inspired by all the cool things people have done to decorate their homes.  There are some really awesome DIYers out there!

I started a biggest loser challenge with some coworkers.  We all put $20 in and the person who loses the highest percentage of their weight at the end wins.  I am not sure why I decided to do this challenge.  I know that I have to lose more weight to hit those percentage points, but I thought that losing weight with others might be a good motivation over the next couple of months.  I am not changing what I am doing, but I am staying the course.

Resolute

I always laugh a little when the new year comes around and I consider making a New Year's Resolution.  Part of me finds the idea ridiculous because you create a plan on the first and by the 5th or 6th of January all focus is typically wavering or completely gone.  I think my favorite New Year's Resolution to date was one that someone shared with me several years ago.  The resolution was to never make another resolution - ever again.  He has successfully kept his resolution, as far as I know.  I decided to really look at what it means to be resolute.  To be resolute means to be firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion. I think that the power of this word really sunk in when I looked at the list of synonyms and "undaunted" was one of the listed words.  I think over time the beauty of this opportunity has been lost as we make resolutions with the idea that it is okay if we fail or fall short.  Why go to the trouble of trying to change if you aren't really going to put forth the effort?  So as I considered my resolution for 2014 I considered my accomplishments for 2013.  Last January if you would have told me that in September I would make a change that would have resulted in close to 50 pound (48.4 to be exact) weight loss by the end of the year, I would have probably laughed in your face.  But I did it.  I lost weight - a lot of weight.  Yes there is still much to go, but I have a strong start and as I approach 2014 I am going to make a SMART resolution.



Specifically (S) I am going to continue going to Weight Watchers meetings and eating according to plan.  I am going to aim for a weight loss that averages 2 pounds per week (M).  I will achieve (A) this by staying on track and adding in additional healthy lifestyle components as necessary.  I will focus on 20 pound increments (R) and take each day meal by meal and when necessary moment by moment.  Losing weight takes time (T) especially since I am making a lifetime change.  It is okay if I still have a ways to go - the changes I am making now will benefit me for the rest of my life (which is going to be a lot longer than the amount of time it will take for me to lose the weight).

The last week has been another internal struggle to stay on track.  I wanted to eat. a. lot!  A friend at my WW meeting told me the next time I am tempted to put the wrong thing in my mouth I just need to picture all of my friends at WW and remember to keep on track.  I kind of chuckle a little at the idea of picturing them as I reach for a cookie or piece of candy.  I still lost weight this last week.  I am down another .8 pounds which was one of my greatest weight losses to date.  The reason is because I didn't quit.  I wanted to throw my hands up in the air so many times and just indulge - endlessly.  I continued to write down everything that entered my mouth and did not go over my daily intake goals.  I told my WW meeting leader that I keep psyching myself out over this amount of weight loss because of losing focus at this point before.  She shared this letter she had all about letting things go.  Let our preconceived notions of what is go and let us make goals and determine who we are now.  I am the worst person at letting things go.  I am a dweller.  I dwell on every little step out of place I take, and I dwell on the steps almost taken out of place (you know the ones that I think about, but don't actually act on).  I need to let things go.  I need to get over it.  I used to love a quote about time.



I don't need to look backwards or even forwards all the time.  I just need to focus on the now and appreciate the moment that is here.  I think it is so easy in our lives of work and family and friends to forget the now.  I am a planner and I am always looking at if I do this now, then this should happen and tomorrow I can be happy.  When I was younger (teens I think) I remember listening to Oprah (my mom had it on while she prepared dinner during the week) as she was speaking to different guests about living today.  One of the guests was a woman who was single and had a really special bottle of wine she had been saving for years.  She wanted to drink it at the best moment possible.  Oprah (and maybe Dr. Phil lol) told her to drink the wine.  That there was much to celebrate in her life even if it hadn't turned out the way she had planned she was still doing great things and she was still worth it.  Now I am not going to tell you to go drink some wine, but I think the lesson is still there.  Yesterday I ran across this on Pinterest, and I think it says my thoughts perfectly.



Every day is special and important.  Every day is a reason to celebrate.

A couple of weeks ago we purchased a "new to me" Pontiac Aztek.  This car was a repossession and was not taken care of very well on the inside.  I was looking online for some seat covers.  I did a search for "Pontiac Aztek seat" and up came lots of results for seat covers as well as seat belt extensions.  I smiled because I don't need one.  I fit in the Aztek.  I know that in September that wouldn't have been the case, but it is now.  I purchased a zip-up hoodie at a family reunion in 2012.  At the time the hoodie would hardly zip up, but I tried it on yesterday and it fits better now than when I bought it.  Last night I decided that I wanted to experiment with my new enamel cast iron cookware and made chicken cooked in salsa and rice for dinner.  Beau had made a pizza, and I sat there thinking I was having a much better meal than him.  I never thought I would be able to think that a healthy meal was better than pizza.  These little things are all reasons to celebrate.

Welcome 2014!  I am ready to enjoy your ups and downs.  I approach the lessons I will learn with excitement and hope.  Every day will not be a walk in the park, but every day will be a special occasion to recognize how truly blessed I am.